That is such a sad story! You say your son is 'different' - has he been diagnosed with anything? Im not an expert, but do have quite a lot of experience working with young people who may have been classed as 'different'. With the proper information and supports put in place, the stress these kids are under is lessened drastically, as is the distress of the parents.
I do not know what your husband is like in other situations, but he sounds like he is scared that his son might be struggling with life, that he may be 'different' and is trying that good old fashion tactic of scaring him into action. I think if you sought some help for your son, maybe an educational psychologist, this may help your husband to understand what is going on and learn new coping strategies for it. I do hope you get some resolution soon

""""""""""Should a child be given that amount of pressure to do something, """""""""""""""""""""""""


NO.

That's ABUSIVE.

Your son needs warmth, compassion
and lots of gentle, understanding,
empathetic support.

Maybe you could check at his school
to see what resources might be
available there, for him.

It's hard enough for adults to
figure out how to find and make
friends. It's ridiculous to order
a child to figure something like
that out . . . . particularly a child
who's already struggling socially.

I hope you can reach out to
school or social service people
and see if they can find a way
to support your son.

Hugs and healing thoughts.

Possum if you ever had any doubts about whether or not you should leave this should tak care of them! This kind of torture will leave life long scars on your son. This is no different than beating your son up. this man is an animal to do this to his kid. My ex did it to my son and that's when I knew I had to get out of there or my son would have no chance. You have got to give him at least the opportunity for a normal abuse free life. he will grow up never knowing who he is or what he wants, only how to keep his dad from yelling at him and then one day he will realize that he spent his whole life trying to earn the love of someone incapable of it. You are his only hope. Please do right by your son and get him out of there.

Here, here!!!!!!!!!!

Hello possumlady, when I was young I was VERY shy, only whisper when i talked, one year, my mom got me involved in a pageant, had me practice my speech in front of the mirror every night, then she had me do my speech in front of my immediate family, and the night before the pageant she had a dinner and then had my extended family come over and I did a speech for them.
By the time the pageant came I had the self esteem and was ready for my speech and the rest was a breeze, I won the pageant for my age group.
This is just an example of what my family did to bring me out of my shell, and I made friends at the pageant too.
Did you ever think of involving him in some community activities such as baseball or maybe a volunteer activity.

Possum, I've followed your story as long as I've been on this board. Your abuser is like mine was, and what's more, it started spilling over into my kids' lives. Especially with my son. My abuser would just hound him about things, lecture and yell. Abuse. My son (who was 14 at the time) had a bedwetting problem all his life, and I knew that his dad's treatment of him was part of the problem. It finally came to a head where we had to leave and I took out an order of protection against my abuser (he got physical and threatened to kill me). One week after my abuser was out of the house, my son's bedwetting stopped. He is so much more at peace and confident. (He was just elected president of his junior class for next year.) Please, please, do this for your son. Give him a chance to find out who he is, whether he's shy and sensitive, or not. He will be able to test himself in a safe environment.

Oh I totally agree. Both my ex's hurt my boys emotionally. I wasnt going to stand for it. This last one, well let's just say, like you , I sat and thought about ending the relationship because kids get one chance at growing up and I did not want his influence around my child. Basically ask yourself this question. Do I want my son to be like him. Cause chances are if the one person he feels he can count on right now, you, doesn't stand up for him, then you are leading him to believe the behavior is ok.

You also said is it ok to do this even if it is something that is good for him ? No way! Abuse is never ok and will never get the desired results.

There is a different way to accomplish goals. I have two boys myself and one, my oldest was this way. He is 16 now and has lots of friends at school, but is just barely starting to do things outside of the house.

That is ok. My son is really smart intellectually and I rather him be that way then have tons of friends to run the streets with and run the chance of getting into trouble.

First I would cut this man out of his life as much as I could. He doesn't deserve that abuse. My dad was the same way and he treated us this way too, my brother worse. Trust me, the consequences of dealing with the yelling and threats just hurt deep. I am 37 now and just recently realized that I am not here to please my dad. His opinion really doesn't matter as strongly as he suggested all my life because guess what? It isnt him that has to live in my shoes.

At one point, age 32 I think, my dad told me this: you don't have to get my approval for anything. This is your life and you are the one wo has to be happy. Well, thanks. Now that I am well into adulthood, and you intervened in both of my marriages, tried to pay my first husband money to leave me because you didn't think he was good enough for me.......see where I am getting. Well his opinion always mattered to me because he treated his kids the way your H treats your son. He doesn't want to ever talk about the abuse, but one day I got him alone and he opened up and said he was and apologized but also told me to move on from it cause it's in the past. Right, he still talks so mean to is wife and in front of people. The last time they were here he told her to shut up cause he was talking.

It is not healthy. Please help your son.

I had to help my son with his social outcast behavior. Now is the perfect time to start. We are here to guide our kids....

Send me a private message, I can tell you a few things I did for my boys. We r here to teach them, not to punish them for not knowing how to do something when we haven't taught them how.

Sorry so long but this one struck me in the heart.

Oh I had two more comments. You don't want to confront your husband alone...? Are you also afraid of him..? What has he done to you to make you afraid to talk to him?

Also,my first husband, the one my dad tried to pay off.....was the best husband ever. We were just young. I was 19 when I met him. But after my dad spoke his opinion......I left him. I destroyed his loving heart. And guess what now? I am wanting a man in my life just like him. He was my best friend.

Possum, I apologise. Im new to the board and dont know the history of your story. I assumed, wrongly, that this was your story - no knowledge of the rest of it. I would still say that you should seek additional supports for your son, where available, and I still think that, until you are ready to leave, that if your husband has a better understanding of what your son is going through, maybe, just maybe, it might change his attitude towards him.
I agree with the others though regarding the bigger picture. Please take care of yourself and your son and be safe

"At the moment I feel like leaving and taking my son but I know this is not the best option. I feel that I need to be brave enough to confront my H but I don't feel safe doing this on my own. Any advice? "

Possum, that was your gut talking to you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TRUST IT. Don't be brave, for God's sake, Brave gets abused women and children DEAD. Just go. Confront him in court, that's where it's safe. You have to see this, you have to. If he was hitting your child with your fists, would you wait? What hes doing will cause deeper, more hurtful scars than anything else.

He is attacking your child's very core, his very center. He is taking a weakness of your son's and using it to attack him. Under the guise of helping him. What do you think will happen when you child figures this out, when he's older, and realizes you didn't protect hm?

Possum, I still, 5 years later, and 3 years my son has been with me, cry at night that I was not able to protect my son better. That I did not leave earlier when he was younger, and save him years and years of exactly what you describe here. If you stay there, and make him stay there, I will guarantee that you will regret it like nothing else in your life.

What they all said.

Don't protect your son by confronting an abuser. Protect your son by removing him from an abuser, by giving him an abuse free life. You just may find that alone helps him make friends.

I never made friends as a kid either, in part because I was constantly made to believe by my parents that I was worthless - and so I DID believe it. Another part was that I was afraid to bring people to my house, because I was afraid my mother would start one of her rages and I would be so embarrassed (I lost a few friends that way - they saw one of my mother's rages and no longer wanted to be friends with me ... and also told others so that I was even more of a social pariah at school).

Get him away from the abuse, give him a safe place to be, and help him build his confidence. He won't make more friends by being made to feel even more of a failure.

So I did confront my H, after he started shouting at me. I told him that I wouldn't be yelled and sworn at, that it doesn't do any good and it didn't do our son any good. Well, he disagreed, said that I have a completely wrong idea about anger, how it isn't damaging because our son knows that he loves him and wants the best for him. That I am stifling him and our relationship by telling him that he cant express his emotions ( by yelling) and that i dont understand or accept him. Our son, in the meantime has agreed to the making friends programme (because he felt he had to) and is stressing about
not being able to do it and getting in trouble because he can't.
So I asked my H to speak to a counsellor with me because he just flat out tells me I'm wrong and I feel I need a mediator to be able to resolve this with him . He ( very reluctantly) agreed, so we will see where it goes from here. Thanks for all your support

Possum, how many times have you run around this block with him. Do you really think that a mediator or ANYONE is ever going to convince him he's wrong? Are you willing to risk your son's well-being to try this out? LEAVE, then go to a counselor with him. GET YOUR SON OUT of there. then you can do what ever you want to do with your relationship, but your fist and most important responsibility is to your child. I cannot stress this enough. He has NO ONE but you to protect him.

I'm glad you stood up to him, but as you noticed, he turned it all on you...you are wrong. He is a narcissist abuser. Those type of people cannot actually sit and have an adult conversation and see the other persons feelings about something nor do they care.

Stand up to him a little more and tell him your son is not doing as he said and that you will take him camping. Accept your son for who he is and tell him you do. This is probably weighing on his self esteem even more than one can realize. If the parents are making a big deal out of it than something must be wrong with him.....thoughts of a child.

I'm going to PM you now as promised.

Your son sounds a lot like my 12 yo! And his father bullies him, too. I actually did take my son and leave. He still sees his father, but when he comes home, he has my ear. And we talk over all of the crazy, hurtful things his father says.

Son was very sensitive to our marital problems and wet the bed until I moved out. He was almost 10 at the time. His father used to yell at him for wetting the bed. Um... that didn't ever help.

That's just one example, but I couldn't stand by and watch a beautiful, sensitive boy get squashed into the ground for being beautiful and sensitive. It was just too horrible.