I think it's all about semantics. What if you said that you felt...pinned?

In any relationship there are elements to it that bind us to it: love, sex, children, property, careers, family...each element may serve to make us feel grounded, or sometimes, even pinned. I would imagine that even in a healthy relationship one might feel a bit "pinned".

Perhaps we become "trapped" when that one element is so off kilter that it threatens to bring down everything else? Abuse is that one element that has the potential to bring down the whole house of cards in a relationship.

While technically we may not be trapped in a relationship (yes, we always have options) it is easy to feel as if you are trapped, especially in a long-term, abusive relationship.

Having ended a long-term relationship, I assure you that I felt horribly squeezed (or trapped, or pinned) by the abuse, and also by the trappings of our everyday life in the relationship. While ending this relationship sprung the trap it was still a very big mess...it's why it took so long to end, and yes, I felt horribly, horribly trapped.

To me, the metaphorical trap is just as bad as being chained in someone's basement, literally trapped.

I think people take words literally when it is convineent for them. "getting out" could mean living on the streets for some. How is that living?

Abuse starts off slowly and it wears away your self esteem so that you become dependant on your abuser. Targets of abuse are coerced into relinquishing connections to other people and the outside world so their only source of security is the abuser. This happens so gradually that you don't see it until its too late.

To be trapped in an abusive relationship is not a choice. It's ignorance to say it is.

SunnyBunn, that was actually my big issue.

I also think it should be noted, many of us have to take into consideration how the abuser will react if they find out we are looking for a way out. We don't have a choice on that. Although, it may be just a belief, it's a legitimate fear for probably most of us.

I'l add that it is a mental trap. In my case, I didn't know what abuse was, didn't know how to recognize it, and therefore thought the bad things that happeend were things that were fixable. I wanted to get the relationship back to the way things were in the beginning. I am also an empathetic person that wants to think the best of people, and therefore I stayed in the relationship thinking I was helping her through tough times. It's that old saying about seeing the forest through the trees. Unless you have been in it before, you don't know what is going on. In hindsight I should have called it quits much earlier, but without that knowledge I think i would have made the same decisions again.

it's like rescuing a viscious dog. You take the dog in because it is homeless and you think it needs love. Then it bites you once, but because you feel sorry for it you try and give it more love. Since you had already told yourself the dog's problem is a lack of love, you wind up getting bit on a number of occasions until you can finally see the problem is not a lack of love, but that the dog is viscious.

AZKEVIN- Wow. That dog analagy got me. I needed to hear that today. Thank you for posting.

I can totally relate to always wanting to think the best of people. That kept me in a crappy and abusive relationship FAR longer than I should have stayed. And although I got out and am healing and moving on, that belief still causes a bunch of guilt in me. I have never had to be so cold and uncaring to another human being before and it's tough on me.

But after rounds and rounds of him seeing me being kind in any way as a crack in the door, I realize that No Contact and being cold is the only way to protect myself.

When it comes to being "trapped", I can definitly relate and understand the feeling of being trapped. But I also know that we are always at choice in life. This is what gives me my sense of power. Even when I was in the relationship, I knew I was making a choice to be there. It's a tightrope walk between the feelings and the knowing that I am a part of the problem by staying.

Ultimately, looking at it as a choice is what really gave me the strength and power to get away. Cause "why would I choose this?" became a question I could not bear anymore.

Dr. Phil made a statement once that was hard for me to hear, but upon analysis, really made me realize some stuff... He said "there are no victims, only volunteers".

I tell myself that everyday now and for the past few months. It keeps the feelings in check and keeps me on track. Not that it was my fault how he behaved, but if it happens again, it is because I am volunteering for the abuse. And I simply cannot live with that.

I could never take Dr. Phil seriously. You can't treat someone psychologically in the course of a half hour (or is it an hour) long show. You're either a psychiatrist or a TV show host. You can't be both.

I fervently disagree with Dr Phil's statement about victims/volunteers. At some point, yes, many of us did perhaps volunteer for the abuse - AFTER we recognised it for what it was, knew that it wouldn't change (including that their fervent promises of change were entirely false), and still chose to stay. But even then, it's only a perhaps, because there are so many other factors involved.

I do think that we always have a choice, though. The problem is that, in the beginning the choice is based on false premises (they are charming, kind, all the things we want from a partner - they are wearing the mask). Then, as we get more involved and the abuse commences, the choice is still based on false premises - we believe that it is stress, it is something we did or do wrong, it is the drugs or alcohol. In short, we don't recognise it for what it is. So yes, we choose to stay because we are blinded (deliberately by our abusers, and partly by ourselves and our own desires) to the truth.

And then we feel trapped. There are many very real ways in which many of us ARE genuinely trapped. I owned my home with a mortgage I couldn't really afford, and he was making no contribution. He refused to leave. I felt there was no way I could leave because I had nowhere to go and didn't see why I should pay for him to live in my home. But of course, I could have just left, stopped paying the mortgage and let the bank foreclose on my home. In that sense, I had a choice. But I chose to stay - and work towards a better option (which did present itself, thankfully).

I guess the truth is that we do always have a choice - the problem is that to make an effective choice, we have to have correct information (which we don't) and we have to actually be able to see the choices that are available (many, for example, don't know what welfare options there are, so don't actually know that they have a choice to leave without living on the street). And sometimes the choice to stay appears to be the only one that gives us any chance at survival. People outside can argue the toss all day about whether that appearance is accurate, but ultimately it doesn't matter - if we don't see another viable choice, then we don't have another viable choice.

I hope that makes sense, and doesn't make it seem like anyone who stays is just too stupid to see the choices they have, because that is absolutely NOT the case. Every situation is different, everybody's options are different.

What do I think of her theory? Two thumbs down. She's blaming the victim. I would strongly recommend finding a new therapist who understands abuse and has empathy for your situation. This one is invalidating your experience, which ain't gonna help you move ahead. (I went to two therapists who invalidated me before I found a good one. It was worth the wait.)

I'm trying to keep an open mind for now. I'm interested to see where she's going with this. She said the first couple meetings would be more for taking history, and next we will actually work on techniques.

Sounds like most of you feel the way I do.

Thanks for your input.

Keep us posted. I'm curious about cognitive therapy.

Actually, now that you mention it, I talked to a fourth psychologist recently, who is quite famous in the country where I work. He told me, a victim of abuse (!), that I should dig deep into my past and figure out what happened that made me want to play the victim. It kind of pissed me off, but he was right in a way. Since I was a child, I would act all powerless and just complain. He told me that if I start making my own decisions and act on them, as well as learn to forgive myself for the choices that I've made (staying so long and having kids with and abusive husband), that I'll be able to change my patterns and take control of my own life.

i think it boils down to priorities. Does walking away and ending an abusive relationship really mean sacrificing a 'better' way of life, such as when there is financial security in that same abusive relationship? It could, but what is more of a priority, financial security and the appearance of stability and wealth or salvaging and rebuilding ones self esteem and self worth?
I agree with your therapist, it is a choice. Either staying or leaving an abusive relationship is a choice made with sacrifices and is difficult. But if staying means sacrificing your precious time and your self worth, imo that is the biggest trap there is.

I don't think the choices are laid in front of you so obviously at the time. It's more like door number 1 and 2 and even that's kind of insulting in it's simplicity. Most people who stay are in catch 22's and getting out, believe it or not, may be the more dangerous path sometimes. How do you choose between domestic abuse and homelessness. Both are terrible for your health. How can you call it a choice when both paths lead to your destruction? We all just try to survive.

I feel the therapy is just there to mind-fuck you into a "healthier" state of mind. If someone mugged me, you could call it a choice on my part. In hindsight, I would "choose" to take a different way home, but the fact remains; I didn't choose to get mugged.

(random analogy, I know)

Anyway, back to the concept of beliefs.

My therapist says we only "believe" there is no way out. Let's just say there is one. I am not one of those people who thinks lack of knowledge is necessarily a choice. We can't know everything, nor can we see the future. Why should we be made to feel guilty for not knowing the future?

Firstly, the "random" analogy is actually quite a good one. Yes, you had the choice to take a different way home, you didn't take that choice, and you got mugged. That doesn't mean you made a wrong choice, just an unfortunate one. If you'd had some way of KNOWING you would get mugged and still chose that way home, of course that's a different matter. But you are quite right in saying that the choices are a bit illusory if you don't have the knowledge of what will happen if you make choice A or B (or C, D etc because rarely are there only two paths available). Add in that some of the available choices are simply not visible.

There is no way you should be made to feel guilty for any of the choices you have made, regardless of what other options someone else can see in hindsight and from the outside. Perhaps that sense that you are being made to feel guilty is something you could raise with your therapist?

I've made a number of unfortunate choices in my life so far, but as you say, all I've done is try to survive and try to make the best choices I can. And honestly, I would make many of the same choices if faced with the same scenarios and (and this is crucial) the same knowledge. I would NOT make many of those choices knowing what I know now. But I didn't know then, what I know now. So I'm not going to beat myself up for not knowing something I had no way of knowing.

And that was seriously convoluted, but I hope it made sense.