Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I just got out of my second cognitive therapy appointment. We ended up talking about the concept of what you believe vs what is. My therapist was not trying to convince me I wasn't abused, but that I was only trapped because I "believed" there was no way out, not because there wasn't one. I think this is true to an extent, but getting out is never that simple, or domestic abuse would rarely thrive. In hindsight, yeah, you are likely to see a better way out. I always get frustrated with phrases like "You always have a choice" and "You only FEEL trapped."
My other arguement is, abuse can often happen with many yellow flags vs a few obvious red ones. Can you really sacrifice you job, your education, your social life, your ability to support yourself financially, years of your life, your children in some cases over some yellow flags. Sure, in hindsight, after the you see the long term damage done to you, most of these seem like a small price to pay, but you don't see the choice until it's too late. At the time, it was just basic survival of weighing pros and cons.
If I have the "choice" between a rock and a hard place, I call that trapped.
What do you guys think of her theory?
My other arguement is, abuse can often happen with many yellow flags vs a few obvious red ones. Can you really sacrifice you job, your education, your social life, your ability to support yourself financially, years of your life, your children in some cases over some yellow flags. Sure, in hindsight, after the you see the long term damage done to you, most of these seem like a small price to pay, but you don't see the choice until it's too late. At the time, it was just basic survival of weighing pros and cons.
If I have the "choice" between a rock and a hard place, I call that trapped.
What do you guys think of her theory?
If that is really what it comes down to, then still imo staying is the more dangerous path. because dv escalates over time, goes from emotional abuse to physical. Emotional abuse almost always precedes physical abuse. most all cities and communities have shelters for the homeless and dv victims. they may not be glamorous but at least they are safe. they are the first step in getting off of the street and in gaining independence. Staying in an abusive relationship and expecting it to remain non violent is like sitting on a ticking time bomb imo. So I disagree that staying is a safer option. Either way , either choice is not something that anyone should be made to feel guilty over. However staying with an abuser will never be a safer choice.
This is not a hypothetical in my case. I have lived on the streets as a homeless person due to attacks from my father. I left as a "choice' because the attacks were growing more violent.
In retrospect, i would have actually been safer with my abuser. Here is why: on the streets you have many different potential attackers. You can't begin to anticipate. The abuser you already know generally can be manipulated better than the abuser you don't. By manipulated I mean you know some weaknesses of your abuser, and you can use these for self defense. Harder to self defend with stranger after stranger.
The shelters are running at capacity in many places, btw. They did not even exist in my time. Homeless ness was rare before the big improvements on culture and society offered by "morning in America"
which transferred expensively warehouse entail patients to the streets to fend for themselves, amongst other "improvements".
Advocating for taking to the streets as a choice is utterly misguided. I doubt street life has improved in safety and quality of life since my day, although there are many more women living that way.
I deeply dislike anything that smacks of blaming the victim. Abuse is a crime and the people who are subjected to are not ever necessarily volunteers.
That I was not doing
but I will never advocate to stay in an abusive relationship either. True that many shelters are operating at capacity and true that closing state run mental hospitals and releasing long term patients to live on the the streets was a despicable decision but in cases of dv, not all abusers are predictable or capable of being manipulated and trying to do so can trigger their rage. I advocate for going to shelters, friends, family or anyone who is not abusive and who is willing to help.