Look at it this way: if it was you, you would feel the same anxiety when he was gone, as when he is there. If the problem was you, it would be there all the time.

Do not believe him. Abusers lie to get their sick way, to keep you down and confused.

I always, always, felt the same way. Mine traveled a lot, and I loved when he was gone.

trust your heart.my dad was in hospital for 4 days a while ago.it was bliss.if you feel bad around him you need to leave.you dont haveto be with anyone who doesnt make you happy.
there is nothing wrong with you for feeling like this.even if he isnt abusive,you have every right to leave,people break up all the time and move on.
take care
xxxx

I do the same as you, possumlady..

my husband doesn't hit me, or call me names.

he doesn't cheat on me, or abuse drugs.

he works hard. he makes sure that the bills get paid.

so maybe I should just stop whining.

I don't have it even a quarter as bad other people here do.

so maybe I'm crazy?

but then I look at all the individual things that have happened, and the blindfold slips just a little.

I listen to other people's reactions to things that I have posted and I think 'wow! they think that that's really bad! maybe I just worded it too dramatically, and I'm swaying their opinion.'

then I go back and look at what I posted and see that I wrote it out exactly the way it happened, even going out of my way to minimize it a bit.

I have a feeling that when we both are away from this craziness, that we will gain some perspective, and be shocked at just how bad our situations were.

and as rjturned said, and I've been trying to get this through my head:

even if he wasn't abusive, you have every right to leave. people break up all the time and move on.

why do I (we?) feel that we don't have the right?

because we are in situations where we are being controlled, and don't feel that we have the rights that others have.

Let this be a sign that things just aren't right. That bad feeling you get when he's coming home is mentioned many times in the "time to leave" thread.
What you are feeling is a normal part of an abusive relationship.

Trust your heart. You are not crazy. Life is too short to spend it with someone whose company you do not enjoy and cherish...

Hugs to you hon.

Thanx everyone!

Rachel, you really expressed exactly how I feel. Am I whining? Is it as bad as I thought? Is it me? It must be me. I must be some sort of psycho-bitch for feeling this way. I even feel guilty for posting here, like I am somehow just trying to validate my position when actually the problem is ME. And yet, I can't change how I feel... I see my own discomfort mirrored in the eyes of my children, my 13 year old daughter tells me 'mum, it wasn't you'
Maybe it is time to learn to trust my feelings...

Kids see it, and say it like it is. My daughter too has said, "it's not your fault"

It reassures me, and you know what...I believe it now.

Possum,

Sending you a gentle hug....your mate is not honoring you, his vows. Even your little girl sees it....and you have been going through this for so long that you feel so confused and bewildered. Your instincts, your deep down feelings are right. Being demeaned is not right, not loving. A good partner stands by his wife, lovingly supports her...the occasional fuss is part of married life, but not the daily norm. An abusive partner takes the light out of a beautiful woman and shadows gather in its place...shadows of darkness and doubt. Shadows of worry and anxiety.

It hurts to read that he is caustic, thinks he is doing you a favor to gift you with a washing machine, when it sounds like he can readily afford to provide this tool, demeans your beautiful English accent...personally something I find absolutely delightful! Other things you have shared and these things trickle down into your soul and into the soul of your daughter. It teaches both of you how you are to be treated, how to live on a daily basis. It is not healthy, not about love. I hope it is ok, but I am praying for you both and for so many women who write in on this board...I am no longer with my ex, still healing in some ways, healed in so many wonderful fundamental ways......