Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I posted originally that I was unsure if my SO was emotionally abusing me. I got some great answers and I started to do some research of my own.
Out of all the sites and articles I've read my spouse doesn't even meet half the 'requirements'. I found a site that listed off questions to ask myself, and out of fifty some I could only answer that just shy of twenty applied to me.
Plus the testamonials I've read....the women had it so much worse then I do. He doesn't scream at me. He doesn't control what I spend (though when I buy something for myself I find myself waiting with baited breath until he finds out and either brushes it off or berates me). But he doesn't clear cut say that I can't spend it. He doesn't estrange me from my friend. I only have one really lol. And Im allowed to go to coffee or out with her when ever I want. He lets me go to bars with my sister or his.
Plus, out of six and a half years he hasn't been like this the whole time. When it was just the two of us he was lazy...but not mean. And then when I got pregnant, it changed. We both wanted the baby, or so I thought as that's what he told me, but once I told him I was knocked up his whole attitude shifted. And it's only gotten really bad in the last two years.
I have already started the steps to move out, but a large part of me doesn't want too. I thought maybe I would write out all the questions from that site that apply to me, then answer them in the fullest and allow him to read it. And talk about it. And if he refuses to see what I feel....then keep the process of leaving (he DOES NOT know) going. But maybe I can save this....it seems he is just borderline??
Could I be over reacting? Or am I just delusional? I have no one to talk to about this....sorry for all the posts that will most likely follow....
Out of all the sites and articles I've read my spouse doesn't even meet half the 'requirements'. I found a site that listed off questions to ask myself, and out of fifty some I could only answer that just shy of twenty applied to me.
Plus the testamonials I've read....the women had it so much worse then I do. He doesn't scream at me. He doesn't control what I spend (though when I buy something for myself I find myself waiting with baited breath until he finds out and either brushes it off or berates me). But he doesn't clear cut say that I can't spend it. He doesn't estrange me from my friend. I only have one really lol. And Im allowed to go to coffee or out with her when ever I want. He lets me go to bars with my sister or his.
Plus, out of six and a half years he hasn't been like this the whole time. When it was just the two of us he was lazy...but not mean. And then when I got pregnant, it changed. We both wanted the baby, or so I thought as that's what he told me, but once I told him I was knocked up his whole attitude shifted. And it's only gotten really bad in the last two years.
I have already started the steps to move out, but a large part of me doesn't want too. I thought maybe I would write out all the questions from that site that apply to me, then answer them in the fullest and allow him to read it. And talk about it. And if he refuses to see what I feel....then keep the process of leaving (he DOES NOT know) going. But maybe I can save this....it seems he is just borderline??
Could I be over reacting? Or am I just delusional? I have no one to talk to about this....sorry for all the posts that will most likely follow....
If the list of questions is online, could you please give me a link to it? Also, if you don't mind sharing, I'd love to hear more about which ones your husband fits and why you think he might be abusive.
this is the one I used but I found TONS that repeated the same questions again and again.
I could answer yes to the following questions:
Questions to ask yourself?
Is nothing you do ever right or good enough for your partner?
Can only your partner be right? Does he always correct your impressions of the way you say and do things?
Do you receive only sarcastic or backhanded compliment from your partner? Never positive support or encouragment?
Does your partner continually break promises, but say he never promised in the first place?
If you are ill does your partner refuse to help or promise to help and then 'forget'?
Is someone else to blame for your partners problems?
Does your partner walk away, tease you, or ignore you if you express an opinion?
After agreeing to a resolution does your partner do exactly the opposite of what you agreed upon?
Does your partner steer you towards dressing a certain way, a certain hairstyle or some other appearance that doesn't really suit your tastes?
Does your partner often tell you he would like your appearance better if only....you lost weight? you gained weight? you changed something else about yourself.
Does your partner totally disrespect and discount your feelings?
Does your partner put down your friends and family? Or nag until you stop contacting them?
Are you constantly criticized?
Is living with your partner tense as you never know what will set off his temper?
When you can't read your partners mind and follow his unspoken rules does your partner become furious?
Does your partner tell your child that you are a bad parent?
Is your partner reluctant to socialize with you? Does your partner refuse to take you anywhere?
But as you can see there are WAY more then just those few....so I don't know if it's early enough for me to try and stop it...or if it even is emotional abuse or just him being an asshole (pardon my language)
Even one consistently abusive behavior means you are being abused. That walking on eggshells feeling you get when you have bought something and you don't know if he'll brush it off or berate you is financial abuse.
The laziness and expecting you to do things for him shows that he doesn't respect you as a person.
Even just answering yes to the list above, I'd say he was very abusive.
And why is it that you only have one friend? I bet he contributed to that since you answered yes to this: "Does your partner put down your friends and family? Or nag until you stop contacting them?" and you also listed that he refuses to socialise with you.
I'm sorry but your partner is controlling and he's verbally and financially abusing you and socially isolating you. And that's just going by your first two posts.
Try www.youarenotcrazy.com
""""""""""""""""""""He lets me go to bars with my sister or his."""""""""""""""
You're an adult.
One adult does not get to
"allow" or to "let" another
adult do one thing or another.
That's NOT their right.
The condition of his believing
that he's in a position to
"allow," to "let," or to
DECIDE
ANYTHING
for you in your life
is a circumstance
of CONTROL.
CONTROL
is ABUSE.
Would you move to a country
that had a government that
told you what movies you
could go to see, or whether
you could see a movie at all. . .
or what store you could shop at
or who you could or couldn't
interact with
or
ANYTHING. . . . .
would you live there?????????????
If you (or anyone reading this). . . . .
is with a partner who
believes that it's
his or her entitlement
to
decide
ANYTHING
for you
in your life. . . . . .
you're being
controlled.
Is that the life
you wish to
be living?
THAT'S
the question
to ask.
I'm so sorry to tell you, but that is DEFINITE abuse! if you had answered yes to only half, I'd still be shocked.
as for it starting when you got pregnant, that is VERY common. this is what happened to me- (I cut and pasted it off of a reply I made to another post):
my ex faked me for 3 years!!! I thought he was this magical, wonderful person..we got married, he was still magical and wonderful, but he wanted a child SO badly (so did I), but I wanted to wait..and we waited...and he pressured me a fair bit, but in his charming, sweet way..
then I got pregnant. and I wasn't even two weeks into the pregnancy, and his mask came off.
scariest thing ever!! I didn't know it was abuse. I thought he had a mental breakdown of some sort.
my ex never hit me. never broke things. never ever called me names.
he had a bad temper and would rage over things (a mistake the bank made, a gas bill that was too high) and he would get mad at me for it-like if I didn't yell at the bank person, if I was being polite to them, if I tried to problem solve instead of just screaming and swearing at them like he did..
he was very generous with me-he would make jokes to my family about how cheap I was, that I always bought cheap clothes and he always wanted me to buy better stuff, but the problem was, he'd put us into debt, so I didn't want to spend the money.
he 'allowed' me to go out with friends and relatives.. yes, I had to kind of ask him, make sure the time was ok for him that he didn't have anything that he might want to do..
he ignored me..blamed all of his problems on his boss. his friends. the bank. the government..blah blah blah..
but he never called me names or hit me, so I thought he was just mean and grumpy, not abusive.
when I tried to leave him in the end, THAT'S when the name calling started, and yes, I eventually DID get hit!
For me the verbal and physical abuse started really early on. I stayed because I thought I could fix him. Ha. Hahaha
You're being abused and you're being controlled.
We both know that you deserve better than that. Chances are that as time goes on he'll get worse.
I hope you can safely find your way out. It's hard, I know, but you'll be so much happier without him and the constant stress he brings.
If the only things you could answer on the list were that he regularly raped you and beat you to a pulp, would you say you weren't being abused, because he didn't call you names as he did it, so he didn't fit all the categories?
I actually don't consider it controlling when I say he lets me do this or that. Because we have a kid we both need to ask permission essentially to do something on our own to make sure the other is available to stay with out daughter. The rest of it is horrible, yes, but I didn't know how else to phrase that I go out. He does the same thing, if he want's to go play street hockey, or go to a movie, he needs to run it by me to make sure I don't have plans that would prevent me from caring for Marlow.
He is mean, for sure. And he can be really hurtful. But he can also be good and fine. And I know I sound like the stereotypical abused woman, I'm cringing as I type this.....but what if he's not abusive and just a jerk?
I'm putting together some stuff...and I found a test that you take if YOU are the abuser...one for men and one for women...so I'm going to make him take the test (and he will if nothing else then to humour me) and not tell him the title until after he's done and we have reviewed he test.
Keep with the steps. Plan on leaving him. Why would you want to save a bad relationship that he is content with since YOU ARE THE ONE HURTING?? No. GET. OUT.
Take it from someone that knew her marriage was BAD for the last 15 years and pretended. We have been married for 28. I finally filed. I have NO job. NO friends. NO family other than my adult daughter and SHE wants to get away from him too. She is my ONLY help. Good luck. Love should not hurt in any way. Ever. Keep saying that! :)