Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok, so yesterday, I took my son to his dr. because for the past 4-5 years(he's 9), he worries about everything, like if he has cancer, or some other illness or if I'm going to die or he's going to die, if zombies are real, if the worlds going to end, you name it. He dwells on it until he's petrified and crying and then will come to me and get my reassurance. Well I myself have a anxiety disorder, genetic but also made alot worse with my living with my husband, walking on eggshells.
Well so at the Dr. she said that she thought it would be a good thing for him to see a counselor like I wanted so he can learn to cope with his thoughts, before his imagination starts running wild. I thought great but then I had to tell my husband, Ooh yay, I was so excited about that because I know where my son's anxiety mostly comes from, from my husband, he doesn't know which dad he will have every day, the nice one or the rude and bitchy one.
So I tell my husband that his dr. wants him to start seeing a counselor, first thing out of his mouth is, "I could just deck you", wonderful, like I wasn't expecting that, because he knows that if my son see's a counselor his secret identity might be revealed as an asshole! So we went out on the porch to discuss it, mind you I didn't feel threatened by what he said otherwise I wouldn't of talked to him more about it. He said well I don't want him going because I went when i was younger and all they did was put me on meds and made me like a zombie. I told him well if its whats best for our son I want him to go see someone, not go on meds but just to be able to talk to someone. I told him this is your fault he is the way he is, he doesn't know up from down with you and he's so confused about whats real and not because he doesn't know if the nice dad is real or the mean one is. He said thats all in the past, I have changed, I don't act that way anymore. I looked at him and said "REALLY?!" "What did you just do 2 minutes ago, you just said you wanted to deck me because I want to get our son help? He says well I didn't mean it and i wouldn't lay a hand on you, things just come out of my mouth before i can think.
Ugh, what an idiot, so the rest of the night i just stayed away from him and kept my mouth shut, while he asked my son if he thinks he worries alot, which he replied yes, then he asked if he needed to talk to someone, of course my son said no, duh what kid does.
Well then later in the evening, hubby is playing Xmas Music, he said, I know lets make mom cry, so he played the song, If momma meets jesus tonight, which didn't effect me, nor my son at the time. Then 5 minutes later while my son is doing is homework he is tearing up, I said whats wrong? He says, that song. I said I know its a sad song, but I'm not going anywhere!
Right now I am just so utterly frustrated, that my husband is so controlling that he would deny his son help for mental heatlh.
Basically what I'm thinking is if he brings it up again about him not going, I will just say he's going or we are leaving!
Well so at the Dr. she said that she thought it would be a good thing for him to see a counselor like I wanted so he can learn to cope with his thoughts, before his imagination starts running wild. I thought great but then I had to tell my husband, Ooh yay, I was so excited about that because I know where my son's anxiety mostly comes from, from my husband, he doesn't know which dad he will have every day, the nice one or the rude and bitchy one.
So I tell my husband that his dr. wants him to start seeing a counselor, first thing out of his mouth is, "I could just deck you", wonderful, like I wasn't expecting that, because he knows that if my son see's a counselor his secret identity might be revealed as an asshole! So we went out on the porch to discuss it, mind you I didn't feel threatened by what he said otherwise I wouldn't of talked to him more about it. He said well I don't want him going because I went when i was younger and all they did was put me on meds and made me like a zombie. I told him well if its whats best for our son I want him to go see someone, not go on meds but just to be able to talk to someone. I told him this is your fault he is the way he is, he doesn't know up from down with you and he's so confused about whats real and not because he doesn't know if the nice dad is real or the mean one is. He said thats all in the past, I have changed, I don't act that way anymore. I looked at him and said "REALLY?!" "What did you just do 2 minutes ago, you just said you wanted to deck me because I want to get our son help? He says well I didn't mean it and i wouldn't lay a hand on you, things just come out of my mouth before i can think.
Ugh, what an idiot, so the rest of the night i just stayed away from him and kept my mouth shut, while he asked my son if he thinks he worries alot, which he replied yes, then he asked if he needed to talk to someone, of course my son said no, duh what kid does.
Well then later in the evening, hubby is playing Xmas Music, he said, I know lets make mom cry, so he played the song, If momma meets jesus tonight, which didn't effect me, nor my son at the time. Then 5 minutes later while my son is doing is homework he is tearing up, I said whats wrong? He says, that song. I said I know its a sad song, but I'm not going anywhere!
Right now I am just so utterly frustrated, that my husband is so controlling that he would deny his son help for mental heatlh.
Basically what I'm thinking is if he brings it up again about him not going, I will just say he's going or we are leaving!
I was shocked when I read the "lets make Mom cry" , then he played that song.
This is the role model for your son? This is how he is being taught to treat women? besides having anxiety over everything.
You will leave him if he tries to stop the therapy for your son.
I'm sorry racer, but I feel it is even much worse for your husband to cause the need for a therapist.
He is a horrible abuser and he is making your son miserable.
I hope you can find a solution, for the sake of your child.
Sending hugs and support.
the christmas song thing is horrible!!!!
he's totally driven your son to the state he's in right now!
I'm sorry, I know it's hard to leave but by GOD start to find your inner lioness that would scratch anyone's eyes out to protect her cub because I'm telling u your husband is seriously mentally abusing your lovely innocent and scared little boy, he's making him ill and you think the reasons are because its possibly genetic?
It's because he is suffering dirty disgusting vile and very REAL child abuse.
I fucking hate your husband, sorry, as u can tell it makes my blood boil to hear of child abuse! Absolute scum bags abusers who abuse kids!
Ok I don't mean to sound as if I am blaming you because I'm not, and I'm sorry if it comes across this way!
All I want to say to you is that your his mum, you can save him from this man and I know u want to save him, I know u want to help your son, so leave your husband and save that little boy, if not for yourself do it for him, please!!!
I look at it like this, kids have their wholes se ahead if them, make it a good one for them, allow them to flourish!
But and to quote he said "I think I get on better with babies more then anyone"
Decode this and what he's saying here is that because babies can't talk back, have minds if their own he prefers it this way! But she does not stay a baby forever, I knew that eventually he would have abused her! He only ever loved her to glorify himself, it was all about HIM
And plus he's walked away from her without looking back once! So this loving father he was, what was that? What kind if loving father could abandon his own child so easily?
Answer
An anusive one. Because abusers are self centred and selfish! If there's nothing in it for them they don't need it! Abusers never change ever and I am happy to say that my little girl will live abuse free! And I won't allow anyone to ruin that experience for her not even her own dad!
Your husband will continue to abuse your son so long as u stay with him! He will never change or get better!
And neither will your son in that enviroment !
My
Some kids end up so miserable that by the time they are teens (only 4 years away) and their hormones kick in, they end up suiciding. You need to give him a safe environment before he reaches that stage so that he can deal with his feelings in a safe environment. He wont be able to open up to a therapist until he's away from his father.
These guys train their victims to get used to the abuse so that we don't recognize it. It also sounds like you are trying to ignore the abuse and to confront him to try to make him understand that what he is doing is hurtful. There is nothing you can do or say that will make him "understand" or change.
In a chapter of the book I am reading tonight, there is coincidentally a section on what happens when the partner of the abuser tries to ignore the abuse or not let it affect her:
"...If the partner calmly endures the behavior, he will feel thwarted. He expects a reaction. He needs his fix of both the release of tension and the sense of Power Over his partner....This is one of the reasons that verbal abuse increases over time. As the partner adapts--tries to ignore the behavior, possibly hoping it will stop or hoping she won't inadvertently provoke him, or she's figure out what she's "doing wrong" or why she's "feeling wrong," the abuser increases the intensity and/or frequency of the abuse.....As the partner uses her strength to ignore the outbursts or make sense of the relationship or to hope that it will get better, the abuser uses his strength to increase the abuse. If the partner tells her mate how upsetting his outbursts are to her, she will usually face an intense angry denial telling her that she's overreacting."
--by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, pp.163-164
This right now, the fact that your recognizing, this is GOOD news! It's your husband who should be ashamed of himself but all of us will take a wild guess that he will never be capable of truly feeling that.
All I will say is this, he sounds dangerous, so be wise and safe. Know that ultimately the safest place to be is away from him. And i don't care if he begs, cries and promises to change and get therapy, do not take your son back to this man, EVER!!!
The damage has already been done, your son wouldn't understand promises of change, remorse and besides it wouldn't be genuine from your husband, it would just be a tactic to hook u back under his control.
U know what I find disturbing about him? He clearly knows he is abusing your son and actually wants to and enjoys it. This is clear in the fact he really doesn't want your son to get counselling because like u said he doesn't want it to come out.
He's a fucking sick bastard!!
I really need to get out of here, I know that for sure, it is really confusing at times because he does have a good and caring side but being an asshole trumps everything.
I would really like to leave now but with thanksgiving, my son's birthday and xmas right around the corner, i feel that i would be ruining this time of year for my son? I was thinking January? I don't know what to do anymore, Im just so at a loss with how my life has turned out.
I don't know you or your son. The only question that I have, and can't answer, is if you think all that anxiousness your son is having all the time, is better for him in the up coming Holidays than if you left?
I am sending hugs and support.