Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok, so yesterday, I took my son to his dr. because for the past 4-5 years(he's 9), he worries about everything, like if he has cancer, or some other illness or if I'm going to die or he's going to die, if zombies are real, if the worlds going to end, you name it. He dwells on it until he's petrified and crying and then will come to me and get my reassurance. Well I myself have a anxiety disorder, genetic but also made alot worse with my living with my husband, walking on eggshells.
Well so at the Dr. she said that she thought it would be a good thing for him to see a counselor like I wanted so he can learn to cope with his thoughts, before his imagination starts running wild. I thought great but then I had to tell my husband, Ooh yay, I was so excited about that because I know where my son's anxiety mostly comes from, from my husband, he doesn't know which dad he will have every day, the nice one or the rude and bitchy one.
So I tell my husband that his dr. wants him to start seeing a counselor, first thing out of his mouth is, "I could just deck you", wonderful, like I wasn't expecting that, because he knows that if my son see's a counselor his secret identity might be revealed as an asshole! So we went out on the porch to discuss it, mind you I didn't feel threatened by what he said otherwise I wouldn't of talked to him more about it. He said well I don't want him going because I went when i was younger and all they did was put me on meds and made me like a zombie. I told him well if its whats best for our son I want him to go see someone, not go on meds but just to be able to talk to someone. I told him this is your fault he is the way he is, he doesn't know up from down with you and he's so confused about whats real and not because he doesn't know if the nice dad is real or the mean one is. He said thats all in the past, I have changed, I don't act that way anymore. I looked at him and said "REALLY?!" "What did you just do 2 minutes ago, you just said you wanted to deck me because I want to get our son help? He says well I didn't mean it and i wouldn't lay a hand on you, things just come out of my mouth before i can think.
Ugh, what an idiot, so the rest of the night i just stayed away from him and kept my mouth shut, while he asked my son if he thinks he worries alot, which he replied yes, then he asked if he needed to talk to someone, of course my son said no, duh what kid does.
Well then later in the evening, hubby is playing Xmas Music, he said, I know lets make mom cry, so he played the song, If momma meets jesus tonight, which didn't effect me, nor my son at the time. Then 5 minutes later while my son is doing is homework he is tearing up, I said whats wrong? He says, that song. I said I know its a sad song, but I'm not going anywhere!
Right now I am just so utterly frustrated, that my husband is so controlling that he would deny his son help for mental heatlh.
Basically what I'm thinking is if he brings it up again about him not going, I will just say he's going or we are leaving!
Well so at the Dr. she said that she thought it would be a good thing for him to see a counselor like I wanted so he can learn to cope with his thoughts, before his imagination starts running wild. I thought great but then I had to tell my husband, Ooh yay, I was so excited about that because I know where my son's anxiety mostly comes from, from my husband, he doesn't know which dad he will have every day, the nice one or the rude and bitchy one.
So I tell my husband that his dr. wants him to start seeing a counselor, first thing out of his mouth is, "I could just deck you", wonderful, like I wasn't expecting that, because he knows that if my son see's a counselor his secret identity might be revealed as an asshole! So we went out on the porch to discuss it, mind you I didn't feel threatened by what he said otherwise I wouldn't of talked to him more about it. He said well I don't want him going because I went when i was younger and all they did was put me on meds and made me like a zombie. I told him well if its whats best for our son I want him to go see someone, not go on meds but just to be able to talk to someone. I told him this is your fault he is the way he is, he doesn't know up from down with you and he's so confused about whats real and not because he doesn't know if the nice dad is real or the mean one is. He said thats all in the past, I have changed, I don't act that way anymore. I looked at him and said "REALLY?!" "What did you just do 2 minutes ago, you just said you wanted to deck me because I want to get our son help? He says well I didn't mean it and i wouldn't lay a hand on you, things just come out of my mouth before i can think.
Ugh, what an idiot, so the rest of the night i just stayed away from him and kept my mouth shut, while he asked my son if he thinks he worries alot, which he replied yes, then he asked if he needed to talk to someone, of course my son said no, duh what kid does.
Well then later in the evening, hubby is playing Xmas Music, he said, I know lets make mom cry, so he played the song, If momma meets jesus tonight, which didn't effect me, nor my son at the time. Then 5 minutes later while my son is doing is homework he is tearing up, I said whats wrong? He says, that song. I said I know its a sad song, but I'm not going anywhere!
Right now I am just so utterly frustrated, that my husband is so controlling that he would deny his son help for mental heatlh.
Basically what I'm thinking is if he brings it up again about him not going, I will just say he's going or we are leaving!
And yep, my ex had such a lovely caring and sensitive side. But only when it suited him, and if it didn't, he would just use his evil and vindictive side instead!
U see nice or nasty doesn't really matter, not in the eyes of abuse because its all abuse, ALL.
Every single way of being your abusers is, they are using tactics for one goal, power and control.
So the mr nice guy, he's just a tactic, mr nasty, he's just the same thing.
Everyone thinks of abuse as in those moments of turmoil, but its not, it's tactics 1or 2 and no let up from abuse at all.
All that really matters is what's in the heart if a man, what kind if person is he? He's an abuser! Through the good the bad and the down right ugly, he's an abuser. Wheb he's sound asleep, he's an abuser. When he's taking a dumb, he's an abuser, if he's brushing his teeth, having a shave, getting dressed, filling up the car or clipping his toe nails, he's always an abuser!!
You say in your heading that he "doesn't get it" but, as you said yourself (and as others said), he very much DOES get it. He knows what he's doing, he knows what he's saying.
The threat to hit you was very real - he probably didn't intend to hit you in that moment, but he's conditioning you to the idea so that when, at some point down the track (and it IS a when, if you stay) he does hit you, he will have a whole history of having "warned" you so as to make it really your fault - if only you'd listened to him, you wouldn't have "made" him hit you.
The thing with the song I have to say is SUPER creepy. It's hardly surprising that your son has horror fantasies if his father thinks it's fun to "make mom cry" by playing a song about her impending death at Christmas. It's seriously sick and twisted, and to have done it so soon after a discussion about the child's anxieties ... wow. If it wasn't deliberate, it at the VERY least shows a total and complete disregard for the problem.
Please, please, please save your son from this. When you have doubts (and we all do or did), all you need is this simple fact: your son has significant and troubling anxieties, and not only does his "father" not want him to get help for those anxieties, he actively encourages the anxieties. Whether there is a genetic link as well or not is beside the point. He is actively encouraging the anxieties. So I'm in agreement with the others that, while getting some counselling for him may help a little, it won't solve the problem while ever he has to come home to someone who actively encourages his anxieties.
Please, I know you have said you are making plans, but I can't stress enough to please save your poor innocent child.
Finally, the shame is not yours to bear. Feeling guilty for not saving him yet isn't nearly as important as making plans now to save him. Probably every one of us who has kids and got out has some level of feeling guilty for not getting them out sooner - but the thing is to feel proud of yourself for seeing it now and making changes now, rather than beating yourself up for not having made changes earlier, when you weren't seeing clearly what it was.
If it had not been for them I would not have taken my daughter and left my asshole, I mean husband, 2 months ago. My daughter is only 17months old now so he hasn't started to abuse her like me but I know it is only a matter of time and the same thing would be happening to her. If I had not gotten out we would still be stuck in that hell and let me tell you, yes it's hard. It hurts every second of the day. Especially now that its the holidays, my favorite holiday where I get to decorate with all my candy land stuff, this year I wont get to do that because we are living with my parents but I know its for the best. There will be other holidays, you can't let something like that stop you otherwise you will keep looking at the next important event coming up... I know that's what I did. Well I will just wait until she doesn't have this cold, I will wait until her birthday has passed, I will wait until we get through Halloween. Luckily I left before that last one but I was actually going to go back to avoid "ruining" Halloween. Now that I think about it I think how silly that was. I did end up taking her over to visit for halloween and that was a mistake but a lesson learned.
When you said he played that song I got chills, that is just insane! Oh and him saying he wasn't really going to hit you he was just joking, gosh that line get's old doesn't it?
Anyway, I know deep down you know exactly what you need to do for you and your son and you will get away from this horrible man.
Lots of hugs to you and your sweet little boy!! Keep us posted! If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to message me. I still curl up in a ball and cry nightly or just feel like I'm starting to lose my mind going through my daily routine but I go back to my journal and these boards to bring me back to reality and remember what all this is for.