Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So here i am. In a relationship of 5 years with a man who generally is good but about once or twice a year he has what i call an episode where he will just yell abuse at me, threaten to tell my children, my family and friends things that they shouldnt hear that i had entrusted him to. No stone is left unturned. .. he rants about how horrible i am, how parts of my body disgust him, how he thinks i am a whore, how much better his deceased wife was and will always be. Every time he has an episode, he says the same things. Afterwards he is always sorry. Says he will sort himself out. He does try. And last time i truly thought it wasnt going to happen again. Its not like we're young. He is 54 and i am 47. What the hell is wrong with me that i keep him in my relationship?. I am an intelligent woman. And can see the wrong. But when its good - its amazing. This last time, i told him to get better help for longer. That i will talk to him once a week to discuss his progress. And that he needs to tell his 4 adult children (3 of which are still living at home) what he is doing so he can be made accountable. He has done this and has talked to someone on the phone re anger management courses. He is a widower of 9 years and still loves and misses her. I dont know now if i can stay 2nd best anymore and be treated the way he treats me.
silly.
The human brain evolved
for the continuation and
benefit of the species,
secondarily for the
individual.
Once we bond,
we're seriously bonded
because the parts of
our brain that developed
earliest react chemically
to keep us together as
a couple, for the benefit
of any offspring already
produced or yet to be
produced.
These chemicals can't
determine if the offspring
will actually be benefited
or harmed and the chemicals
certainly can't determine
if WE will be benefited
or harmed.
The good news is that
the more evolved parts
of our human brain can
help guide and propel
us to make and keep
other decisions. We
don't have to be ruled
by the attachment chemicals.
[For those who care,
the early brain or
"ancient" brain is
known as the limbic
system. Within this
area, the component
connected with bonding
(and also addiction), is
the dorsal striatum.
The more evolved
area of the brain (because
it developed along with
mammals and then primates),
includes the frontal cortex
which is the home of judgement
(while the ancient brain is more
the emotional center).]
Another benefit of our
more advanced brain
is that we can learn
to tolerate disappointment
when we make and keep
a decision that runs counter
to our cravings. Just like
anything that needs to
be learned, like driving
a stick shift or learning
a dance or a language,
learning to tolerate
disappointment takes
practice. Once we're
away from the toxicity
and begin to focus on
Self-Care and invest
our energy in our self,
the craving for the
toxic other begins
to diminish and
slowly fades so
far into the background,
that ultimately, the
desire is gone in
light of how good
the benefits of
self-care feel
day-to-day.