Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So here i am. In a relationship of 5 years with a man who generally is good but about once or twice a year he has what i call an episode where he will just yell abuse at me, threaten to tell my children, my family and friends things that they shouldnt hear that i had entrusted him to. No stone is left unturned. .. he rants about how horrible i am, how parts of my body disgust him, how he thinks i am a whore, how much better his deceased wife was and will always be. Every time he has an episode, he says the same things. Afterwards he is always sorry. Says he will sort himself out. He does try. And last time i truly thought it wasnt going to happen again. Its not like we're young. He is 54 and i am 47. What the hell is wrong with me that i keep him in my relationship?. I am an intelligent woman. And can see the wrong. But when its good - its amazing. This last time, i told him to get better help for longer. That i will talk to him once a week to discuss his progress. And that he needs to tell his 4 adult children (3 of which are still living at home) what he is doing so he can be made accountable. He has done this and has talked to someone on the phone re anger management courses. He is a widower of 9 years and still loves and misses her. I dont know now if i can stay 2nd best anymore and be treated the way he treats me.
going through.
In my professional experience,
anger management does not
solve the kinds of behaviors
that you've described.
This is probably because the
injuries that cause him to do
the things he does go far
deeper than the recently
developed "anger management"
courses can effectively treat.
(Those courses were developed
for the court system, to try and
keep dysfunctional families
together in a safer environment,
not to actually treat the psychological
dysfunctions that causes abusers
to be hurl verbal and emotional
attacks at the partners with whom
they stood at the alter, professing
vows of love, respect and caring
till death do you part.)
Did he actually see a counselor
the last time he "tried?"
I understand that you've invested
five years, that you hate to walk
away and that between degrading
outbursts, your life with him can be
good (except for coming in second
to his deceased wife).
Let me ask you, as you stare down
a benchmark birthday in a few years:
If he's no different five years
from now (or if he's worse,
because that's what generally
happens), and your 52 year-old
self could talk to your 47 year-old
self, can you imagine how that
conversation might go? Would
you consider giving that exercise
a try?
I entered a second marriage
in my late thirties and stayed
for nearly 18 years of emotional
abuse. Obviously, hindsight is
20/20. I didn't even know that
I was being abused till I'd been
separated for years, but if I knew
25 years ago what I know now, I'd
scream at my 40 year-old self:
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Other than a miniscule
percentage of abusers
who get world-class
treatment, most abusers
only ever change for the
worse.
My emotional abuser
eventually hit me.
You're not second best
to anyone, and you're
certainly not any of the
horrible names he's
called you and you
totally deserve to be
treated with nothing
less than caring, love
and ---- by the way ----
RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Regardless of what he
decides to do, have you
ever thought about getting
qualified counseling of
your own? While he
"sorts himself out," why
don't you do some
sorting out of your own?
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and all
happiness.
Realistically, the intelligent side of me tells me that he will not get better but I do care for him and truth be known, I feel sad for him as I can see the pain he has had to go through as a widower.
I am not an angel and have done wrong things in the past which makes me feel like I shouldn't judge people on their behaviours.
I have dealt with my wrongdoings and still continue to do so. But I do realise that no one should be treated the way he has treated me. He hasn't learnt that what he says and does truly affects me and the way I interact with him.
I did go to a counsellor once after one of the episodes as I was feeling disgusted in myself for staying in the relationship. She explained the frog in boiling water scenario where the water is cold to start, then as the water warms, the frog doesn't realise as it is a gradual thing and then eventually dies from the extreme heat. Maybe I should have listened. I stayed with him the first couple of times as I was scared he would tell my children things I don't want them to know. But now I feel I need to DO something.
The descriptions of him
opening and then slamming
shut the car door while you're
sitting there waiting to leave,
and also of him ripping a
pendant you were wearing
off your neck, are scenarios
that actually have a name.
That name is:
symbolic violence,
the operative word
being VIOLENCE.
What symbolic violence
is meant to do is to
intimidate.
The subtext of
symbolic violence
is, "Get in line with
what I want or the
next time I'll be
slamming YOU
or the next time
I won't just be ripping
a piece of apparel off
you but my hands will
be AROUND your neck."
As I mentioned in my
first response, eventually
my emotionally abusive
husband PUNCHED me.
Till then he'd "only" been
throwing and breaking
things, kicking doors,
and slamming knives
down near my hand.
Apparently I didn't get
the message. We want
so to believe in the dream.
With due respect,
couples counseling
is seldom beneficial
within the context of
abuse. I'm going to
bump a thread which
you might want to
take a look at. Out
of hundreds of responses,
a handful share a positive
result. The rest are on the
spectrum at the opposite
end. Could couples
counseling be beneficial
for your relationship?
There's no way for anyone
else to know the end
result unless you try.
Whether or not you
try is totally your own
decision.
As I suggested above
and will repeat here,
I hope you'll consider
engaging in counseling
for yourself.
Sending all good
thoughts your way.
for abusive behavior, there
are NO explanations that
justify it.
Using alcohol is an attempt
at numbing underlying pain.
It may do that temporarily
but ultimately acts as fuel
that reignites and exacerbates
the fire it was intended to
extinguish.
A desperate abuser
typically says, "all the
right things."
And from where I sit,
anger is only the tip
of the iceberg of issues
your abuser suffers from.
Addressing the tip of
the iceberg still leaves
the body of the problem
that will inevitably sink
the ship.
If you're intent on trying
to salvage this relationship,
here's what I would do if I
were you:
He has to get specific therapy
from a world-class therapist.
He has to invest himself
in it and he as to remain
engaged in it for an
INDEFINITE period of time.
While he's doing that,
I would go TOTALLY
NO CONTACT. This
is HIS work to do. If
he really will do anything
to deal with his issues,
then accepting being
out of contact with you
during this time should
be one of those things.
I would remain TOTALLY
NO CONTACT with him
for well over a year,
presuming he continues
to work with the therapist
during that entire time.
Around fifteen to eighteen
months, if those conditions
were met, I'd have a conference
with the therapist about his
progress. If the therapist
deems him "safe," meaning
TOTALLY NON-VIOLENT
and also NON-ABUSIVE
verbally, emotionally and
psychologically. . . . . . . .
then and only then would
I allow the beginning of
contact (on the condition
that he also continues
with his therapy).
During this initial period
(call it resuming dating),
I would not treat him
with kid gloves. I'd
speak my mind and
state my preferences.
I'd want to see how he
responds to not getting
everything he wants.
This is a CRITICAL component!!!!!!!
Only after a solid year
of this resumption of
initial contact would
I even consider getting
back any closer than
"dating." And frankly,
if you got that far with
him, I'd absolutely INSIST
that he continue with the
therapy work that got him
to that point (because that
would indicate that this is
a truly gifted and effective
therapist who might be
capable of guiding him
the rest of the way back
to functional and healthy
behavior within an
intimate relationship).
In regards to desperate
abusers who swear they'll
do anything to maintain
connection with their victim,
the typical pattern is that
if the victim acquiesces
and allows continued
connection, within some
period of time, once the
abuser feels the situation
has become "normalized,"
"all the right things" gradually
fades away (just as it did
when the very first honeymoon
period ended), and at first
slowly but then with increasing
frequency, the abusive behavior
returns. That's the typical pattern.
(Ask others here who've traveled
that road.)
The most important
question here is not
about this abuser,
nor his grief, nor
his abusive behavior
patterns, nor what
he says as he's
desperately grasping
to keep hold of his
victim.
The most important
question here is about
YOU.
Our human lifespan
is finite. Every time
the sun sets, our
available time for
living in this body
is one day shorter.
That's our human reality.
Given those limitations,
how do you want your
time to be? How do
you want your limited
time to FEEL? What
do you want to say
about a day, as the
sun sinks below the
horizon again? What
do you want from
your tomorrow?
Maybe fifteen months
of not being abused is
the exact thing that you
need to remember what
life without abuse feels
like. Maybe that time
apart would enable
you to reconnect
with YOURSELF.
That's what I'd do
if I were wearing
your shoes.
Once upon a time,
I was wearing your
shoes. In all honesty,
though I separated,
I did not go no contact.
It was during that time
that he ended up
punching me.
Well. . . . . I guess
that was a lesson
also. I'm just lucky
he didn't do anything
worse.
That's why I'm hoping
that you'll take better
care of yourself than
I did.
Hugs and wishes
for clarity, healing
and happiness.
For such an intelligent woman, i feel very uneducated. I hate this feeling.
sexually" if you required
No Contact. . . . . . .
That's not being willing
to 'Do Anything" to
maintain the relationship
and so. . . . . there you
have it. He would do
"anything" but THAT.