Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I haven't been with my ex in 6 years. He was and still is an alcoholic. He's a narcissitic sociopath. He was verbally, emotionally, psyically, and sexually abusive. Very manipulative and controlling. I've recently started trying to cope with all of this and it's been a struggle. I've been angry with myself for letting him treat me so aweful. I've been worried that it took me so long to realize what had been happening. I've been confused because I haven't gotten to the point of being angry with him yet and I know that I should be.
I'm currently engaged to someone else and my ex found out. He's been popping in and out of my life for years but this time seems different. He found out where I work and sent me flowers. He found my new house and figured out what vehicle I drive. He would call me in the middle of the night saying that he was suicidal and I found myself running to every beck and call. He'd need me and I'd be right there. I was worried about him and what he might do. Even after everything, I still care about him and there is some part of me that will always love him. I'd never want something bad to happen.
But he's starting to take advantage of this. He lies about situations to get my attention so I will talk to him. He makes up stories knowing that I'm always here for him. I'm really struggling with co-dependancy issues. I'm struggling with self-esteem. It's like an addiction. I know he's bad for me but I can't overcome the craving for him. I'm always worried about him. I find myself wanting to talk to him all the time. It's ruining my life and my relationship with my fiancee.
I don't really know where to go from here. I have blocked him on all social media sites and I know that's a start. I've tried no contact multiple times but it feels hopeless and impossible when he leaves me messages crying and saying that he is going to take his own life because it isn't worth living without me. I work at a crisis center so it is literally my job to help people that are depressed and suicidal. I know all the steps that I should be taking and I know that I need to tell him to go to the hospital and get some help but it's so much harder to do that when it's someone that you know and care for. Because he doesn't ever ask for help, and if he's reaching out to me, I can't turn him away and risk him hurting himself.
Then he gets what he wants and all the sudden I don't exist anymore. I need help. I'm struggling. I can't let him go because he doesn't give me the chance to. How can I stop being there for him? How can I stop wanting to be with him? I need to get my life together because it is killing me going through this rollercoaster. It's a never ending cycle and I don't want to live like that anymore.
First and foremost: You HAVE to go TOTAL NO CONTACT IMMEDIATELY. (not screaming, just emphasizing)
Next, call your local police department and ask what constitutes stalking. If there are anti-stalking laws, find out what you need to do to press charges if he continues in the future. Make sure you know what information you would need to provide them with in order for them to charge him.
Definitely keep records, including all proof of emails, texts, calls, etc. as evidence in case the police are willing to pursue stalking charges.
Also ask the police if it would help to send him a signature requested letter telling him to leave you alone in no uncertain terms. (That way you've made yourself very clear.) Make sure there's nothing on the envelope that identifies its from you so he won't refuse it. That way you'll have proof he received it. You might also want to let the police know that he's threatened suicide.
You need to BLOCK him from your phone, email, social media and everything else. He may figure out ways to get thru anyway, so you'll have to keep blocking. Whatever you do, do NOT respond in any way.
Also critical is to block anyone who has anything to do with him. Chances are that someone is leaking information to him. Stop posting all personal stuff on social media. If you don't want him to know, do NOT put it on the internet.
If he sends you flowers or other gifts, refuse to accept when delivered. Inform your employer that you want anything from him that arrives at your work refused. If he gets through on your work phone, do NOT speak to him. Just hang up. You do NOT owe him any courtesy. Any interaction you have with him only gives him permission to continue his behavior.
Go to your local women's shelter and ask for a referral to a qualified trauma recovery therapist. And then go. Its rare that any of us who have been or are being abused can recover on our own. That's not a reflection on us. It's because of all of the damage done to us by the abuser.
Once you step back out of his toxicity and are out of it completely for a while, you will begin to see more clearly that:
He is NOT your responsibility.
If he kills himself, that's NOT on you. It appears that he is using the threat of suicide as a manipulation. THAT is him getting desperate to keep his 'source' (you) and the ultimate act of selfishness on his part.
There is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING you can do to help a narcissistic alcoholic sociopath. BTDT and I promise you that there is NOTHING you can do.
Nothing works EXCEPT to go and STAY TOTAL NO CONTACT.
He has to WANT to heal himself.
In the rare case that happens, HE has to do ALL of the work himself. And it will more than likely take the rest of his life.
There is NOTHING YOU can do to help him EXCEPT to go TOTAL NO CONTACT.
You do NOT owe him anything.
ANY contact at all only GIVES HIM PERMISSION TO CONTINUE.
Know & believe the 3 C's (no matter what he says). ***You did not cause it. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it.***
You deserve to live a peaceful abuse-free lfe.
~healing hugs~
PS, It's normal to care still care about him. BUT, in order to take care of you, don't act on it. That's what keeps you hooked into him. Check out this link about trauma bonding. https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/trauma-bond_10
I still care about him and there is some part of me that will always love him. I'd never want something bad to happen.
But he's starting to take advantage of this.
Starting?
No.
He's in the HABIT
of abusing you
and he's unhappy
about the possibility
that that might ever
not be the case!!!!!
And by the way,
you may not want
anything bad to
happen to him
but he has no
such loving concern
about You.
Because:
Then he gets what he wants and all the sudden I don't exist anymore.
When he learned you're
engaged, his agenda became
SABOTAGING that relationship
because otherwise, he will
LOSE HIS SUPPLY.
If you don't cut this
abuse off now, it's
very possible you
that your fiancee
will ultimately get
fed up with your
inability to keep
this blatant and
flagrant toxicity
out of your life
and will (correctly)
see this unwelcome
virus as a contaminant
that will infect the new
life of a newly married
couple.
Hon -----
Please listen to and
follow the advice of
MyTrueColors. She's
spot on with everything
she recommended.
You don't have to do
this alone but if you
do nothing, you will
likely lose all the
positives in your
life and be left
with nothing but
this toxic vampire,
sucking the last
drop of life force
from your fading
spirit.
You said it yourself.
Staying connected
with your "ex"
IS killing you.
Please. . . . .
go NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!
You cannot stop him
from doing whatever
he's going to do. (It's
unlikely that he will
really harm himself.
My hunch is that that's
a manipulative threat.
But even if I'm wrong,
your remaining his
supply won't help
him become healthy.)
For the sake of
the rest of your
life. . . . . . . .
AMPUTATE this
flesh-eating parasite.
He will end up
destroying your
well-being and
happiness.
I found this piece to be so influential in helping overcome the challenges I experienced after breaking up with me ex. I truly hope you take the time to read it (as well as explore the entire website, there are some great writers!)
For anyone who reads, I would love to get feedback on your thoughts/reactions :)
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-27078/what-its-really-like-to-break-up-with-a-narcissist.html
Stay strong, best wishes!
Mal