Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Im at a loss. Just a little recap - a few weeks ago I asked for space, husband didnt want to move out. Was afraid that we would end up divorced. Agreed to stay downstairs after the kids go to bed so I can have my space. That's doable during the week, but the weekends we're all together. I've gone for 2 IC sessions so far and have this week's session friday.
He agreed to see an IC and made a few calls but cant find one with evening hours. He now is suggesting he go see our MC for an IC. But she does not specialize in abuse and MC didn't help with these issues and behaviors that Im trying desperately to get across to my husband without actually using the word "abuse". Because when I did in the beginning when I first started realizing that I think that's what we're dealing with, he got all defensive and looked shocked and hurt and said he never hit me, we just talk and argue like married couples do.
We had a huge 2 hr discussion monday night and I felt a bit more empowered and stood up for myself and explained things and more about my feelings - to which he seemed once again shocked that he hurt me and eroded my self esteem and spirit over the last few years, that was not his intention - even though we've had this discussion before. He promised he gets it now and will go for counseling and understands that I don't want to be physical right now because I explained it's hard for me because I don't like who Ive become - because I was always avoiding a confrontation with him - because of the way he's changed over the years. I told him I do love him but do not really like the person he's become and I dont like myself right now. We agreed to be civil in front of the kids while we work on our own issues.
This morning he gets all upset, crying and saying how he feels scared to say anything because he feels he is saying and doing everything wrong right now because I'm so mad. And that I will take everything he tries to say/do in a wrong way. He said again how much he wants this to work but keeps asking if I want it to work because I'm still not agreeing to have a date night or spend time with him. He twisted my words and said that I hate him and made him out to be this monster - I never said that tho. I said I didnt Like the person he's become and I also told him I dont like or even know the person I've become.
He feels so alone, has no one to talk to. And he's pushing to go back to our MC as his IC. I don't think thats going to be helpful because she doesn't specialize in abuse and he will say the same things he said to her in the past.
I'm so confused. I feel badly to see him upset. But we talked about this - it took years to get here, it's not going to get fixed overnight. And because Ive been to 2 IC sessions and he and I talked a few times, should I be agreeing to spend some quality time with him? Im not feeling it yet. Am I over analyzing things? Am I being too mean and harsh with him? Should I trust him because now he claims to get it?
I dont know what to think or feel anymore.
He agreed to see an IC and made a few calls but cant find one with evening hours. He now is suggesting he go see our MC for an IC. But she does not specialize in abuse and MC didn't help with these issues and behaviors that Im trying desperately to get across to my husband without actually using the word "abuse". Because when I did in the beginning when I first started realizing that I think that's what we're dealing with, he got all defensive and looked shocked and hurt and said he never hit me, we just talk and argue like married couples do.
We had a huge 2 hr discussion monday night and I felt a bit more empowered and stood up for myself and explained things and more about my feelings - to which he seemed once again shocked that he hurt me and eroded my self esteem and spirit over the last few years, that was not his intention - even though we've had this discussion before. He promised he gets it now and will go for counseling and understands that I don't want to be physical right now because I explained it's hard for me because I don't like who Ive become - because I was always avoiding a confrontation with him - because of the way he's changed over the years. I told him I do love him but do not really like the person he's become and I dont like myself right now. We agreed to be civil in front of the kids while we work on our own issues.
This morning he gets all upset, crying and saying how he feels scared to say anything because he feels he is saying and doing everything wrong right now because I'm so mad. And that I will take everything he tries to say/do in a wrong way. He said again how much he wants this to work but keeps asking if I want it to work because I'm still not agreeing to have a date night or spend time with him. He twisted my words and said that I hate him and made him out to be this monster - I never said that tho. I said I didnt Like the person he's become and I also told him I dont like or even know the person I've become.
He feels so alone, has no one to talk to. And he's pushing to go back to our MC as his IC. I don't think thats going to be helpful because she doesn't specialize in abuse and he will say the same things he said to her in the past.
I'm so confused. I feel badly to see him upset. But we talked about this - it took years to get here, it's not going to get fixed overnight. And because Ive been to 2 IC sessions and he and I talked a few times, should I be agreeing to spend some quality time with him? Im not feeling it yet. Am I over analyzing things? Am I being too mean and harsh with him? Should I trust him because now he claims to get it?
I dont know what to think or feel anymore.
It kills me to think he said that about our children as a manipulation tactic. I want to beliebe that he was just upset about the idea of the family breaking up like I am. I mean, I thought about that too. But then I really try and put myself in his place and if I was the one that hurt him, I truly believe I would be doing everything in my power to work on myself and wouldn't just say things like that - about the kids - to play on his sympathies. I really like the quote about children and broken families. In the past I never really thought of it that way. But as time goes on, I can actually envision myself divorced and being more amicable with him and tolerant because we wouldn't be living with each other anymore and I would be more relaxed and at peace.
Yellow
Thank you for that. I have to reminds self not to compare. I just feel so badly when I read other stories and see all the pain and suffering. That sounds like another book I may find helpful. I agree that as sad as it is too see all of the people here and what they are struggling with, I feel I've made some friendships and have received so much support and guidance. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found this board.
Godis
That's a great analogy and it's true. I've often felt that during our talks and discussions he would drift off and say things that would make me think,... There he goes again, talking about something different like comparing us to other couples, or bringing up things from the past, saying something that I may have said or done many years ago... And I would get frustrated and begin to feel so sad as I sat listening to him and thinking, he still just doesn't get it.
I do read a lot here and in abuse books to check myself because often times I do feel like I'm being mean, heartless, not forgiving by standing my ground this time. This is the first time ever that I am not backing down, accepting an apology, putting this behind us, trusting things will be different this time, and moving forward.