Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Im at a loss. Just a little recap - a few weeks ago I asked for space, husband didnt want to move out. Was afraid that we would end up divorced. Agreed to stay downstairs after the kids go to bed so I can have my space. That's doable during the week, but the weekends we're all together. I've gone for 2 IC sessions so far and have this week's session friday.
He agreed to see an IC and made a few calls but cant find one with evening hours. He now is suggesting he go see our MC for an IC. But she does not specialize in abuse and MC didn't help with these issues and behaviors that Im trying desperately to get across to my husband without actually using the word "abuse". Because when I did in the beginning when I first started realizing that I think that's what we're dealing with, he got all defensive and looked shocked and hurt and said he never hit me, we just talk and argue like married couples do.
We had a huge 2 hr discussion monday night and I felt a bit more empowered and stood up for myself and explained things and more about my feelings - to which he seemed once again shocked that he hurt me and eroded my self esteem and spirit over the last few years, that was not his intention - even though we've had this discussion before. He promised he gets it now and will go for counseling and understands that I don't want to be physical right now because I explained it's hard for me because I don't like who Ive become - because I was always avoiding a confrontation with him - because of the way he's changed over the years. I told him I do love him but do not really like the person he's become and I dont like myself right now. We agreed to be civil in front of the kids while we work on our own issues.
This morning he gets all upset, crying and saying how he feels scared to say anything because he feels he is saying and doing everything wrong right now because I'm so mad. And that I will take everything he tries to say/do in a wrong way. He said again how much he wants this to work but keeps asking if I want it to work because I'm still not agreeing to have a date night or spend time with him. He twisted my words and said that I hate him and made him out to be this monster - I never said that tho. I said I didnt Like the person he's become and I also told him I dont like or even know the person I've become.
He feels so alone, has no one to talk to. And he's pushing to go back to our MC as his IC. I don't think thats going to be helpful because she doesn't specialize in abuse and he will say the same things he said to her in the past.
I'm so confused. I feel badly to see him upset. But we talked about this - it took years to get here, it's not going to get fixed overnight. And because Ive been to 2 IC sessions and he and I talked a few times, should I be agreeing to spend some quality time with him? Im not feeling it yet. Am I over analyzing things? Am I being too mean and harsh with him? Should I trust him because now he claims to get it?
I dont know what to think or feel anymore.
He agreed to see an IC and made a few calls but cant find one with evening hours. He now is suggesting he go see our MC for an IC. But she does not specialize in abuse and MC didn't help with these issues and behaviors that Im trying desperately to get across to my husband without actually using the word "abuse". Because when I did in the beginning when I first started realizing that I think that's what we're dealing with, he got all defensive and looked shocked and hurt and said he never hit me, we just talk and argue like married couples do.
We had a huge 2 hr discussion monday night and I felt a bit more empowered and stood up for myself and explained things and more about my feelings - to which he seemed once again shocked that he hurt me and eroded my self esteem and spirit over the last few years, that was not his intention - even though we've had this discussion before. He promised he gets it now and will go for counseling and understands that I don't want to be physical right now because I explained it's hard for me because I don't like who Ive become - because I was always avoiding a confrontation with him - because of the way he's changed over the years. I told him I do love him but do not really like the person he's become and I dont like myself right now. We agreed to be civil in front of the kids while we work on our own issues.
This morning he gets all upset, crying and saying how he feels scared to say anything because he feels he is saying and doing everything wrong right now because I'm so mad. And that I will take everything he tries to say/do in a wrong way. He said again how much he wants this to work but keeps asking if I want it to work because I'm still not agreeing to have a date night or spend time with him. He twisted my words and said that I hate him and made him out to be this monster - I never said that tho. I said I didnt Like the person he's become and I also told him I dont like or even know the person I've become.
He feels so alone, has no one to talk to. And he's pushing to go back to our MC as his IC. I don't think thats going to be helpful because she doesn't specialize in abuse and he will say the same things he said to her in the past.
I'm so confused. I feel badly to see him upset. But we talked about this - it took years to get here, it's not going to get fixed overnight. And because Ive been to 2 IC sessions and he and I talked a few times, should I be agreeing to spend some quality time with him? Im not feeling it yet. Am I over analyzing things? Am I being too mean and harsh with him? Should I trust him because now he claims to get it?
I dont know what to think or feel anymore.
You wrote:
"""""""""""it's not going to get fixed overnight."""""""""""""
Sorry again, but
abuse doesn't get fixed.
I'm a counselor who
specializes in abuse.
Abusers don't get fixed.
(Except that possibly, one
in six or seven million.)
SURVIVORS get healed.
Recovery gets those of us
who left abuse
to a new and happier life.
Abusers stew in their
own abuse.
Targets of abuse who
remain in the crosshairs
of the abuser, end up
not knowing what to
think or feel.
Please consider what
it might be like to live
an abuse-free life.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
I wrote to Leslie Vernick over the weekend after reading her 12 videos on emotional abuse. I found her videos very helpful and was surprised that she responded to my email within hours on Sunday morning. She then used my question as a blog entry for this week.
Since I read her response and had an interaction with my spouse's Marriage Counselor who he is seeing for individual treatment at this time, I have been in a fog.
I am putting this blog out here for you only because you seem to be in a similar mindset as I right now. I am not trying to recommend Christianity or any of the ideas presented on the blog. I just want to offer help to you if I can.
I actually have not read all of the responses.... I am just too tired....
http://www.leslievernick.com/blog/
I absolutely understand where you are. If they wont even face what they have become (or just are) then they cannot change it.
I am so sorry that you are in this place. Please do your best to take care of you.
You BOTH agreed that you (as in you personally) needed distance from him, and now he's getting fractious and insisting that he never even meant to hurt you.
He is basically saying that because he never hit you, it was not abuse.
NO no no no no!!!
I see a guy having a tantrum to break the agreement and hinder your progress because you're getting strong and separate, and he's worried he will lose his victim unless he kicks and screams to scramble her mind and knock her off balance.
He's not upset because of emotion; he's upset because you are not giving in yet. You are happy having time apart. But he wants the embargo to end and for you to say, "It's OK, let's play happy families all the time again" because then he gets back his control and thinks he can treat you how he wants again.
You are so smart for avoiding the word 'abuse'. He will not respond well to that. Abusers never do, since they do not believe they are at fault. As long as YOU know that it IS abuse and it doesn't need to involve hitting to be that.
I don't think you owe him anything. If you need to spend time with him just to appease him and keep yourself safe for the moment, maybe do that, but be aware of why you are doing it. I did that too. It sucked, but it kept me safe while planning my way out.
Keep going with your counselling (IC). I am really not sure what to say about the MC... maybe others will have some good advice.
But suffice it to say, I don't think he gets it at all. I think he is creating hell to unsettle and guilt you because you are standing your ground.Try to stay strong, and keep posting! We are all with you.
Huge hugs xxx
(((HUGS)))
((((Even bigger hugs!!!))))
Ilene -
I trust your insight and knowledge. It does make me so sad and I question, is it THAT bad? But I just dont feel right, like something is off. I often think what life would be like for me and my girls without my husband. I know the atmosphere is more relaxed now when he works late - it's nice. I miss adult company though - not him necessarily.
Yellow -
Ive been following your story and I give you credit for leaving -thats a huge step that takes a lot of courage. I appreciate you sharing the blog post, I too have seen some her Leslie's videos and they have been informative. I will read through the replies soon - there ere so many :) I feel confused because my situation doesn't seem as bad as yours so I start second guessing myself.
Giggle -
Ive thought the same way you have, that since he's not giving me space, he doesn't get it. But then I put myself in his place, if he was telling me he feels I've put him down, lowered his self esteem and he no longer likes me or the person he's become, I'd be devastated and would want to talk to him t try and fix things.
Rockin -
I keep telling myself that verbal abuse is abuse even if it's not physical. But I read some stories here and I feel like my situation isnt maybe that bad? Are we just bad at communicating? I wish I would stop wavering and just believe that he is puling out all stops because he sees I'm getting a bit stronger and may actually be considering leaving.
Enough -
Thats a great idea and just what my sister and friend have been saying. Look back over the last few years at how many times Ive tried explaining myself and how many times he apologized and I gave him anther chance. This isnt new and isnt the first time.
Another very hard thing in the back of my mind is that we adopted both of our children and a few weeks ago my husband asked that I really consider that before breaking up the family. Our children have already lost a set of parents, now to have to deal with a broken home may be very detrimental to them. I would NEVER want to do anything to bring harm or sadness to my girls. They are my LIFE. I Have thought about that. However, i've also thought how I do not want them to grow up in a house where 2 parents just coexist and are not loving or affectionate and constantly sneak into a room to have yet another talk/discussion about things. It's stressful and depressing.
I'll continue reading here and hope I can figure things out.
Hugs to you all going through your own troubles.
So that thought stayed on my mind...maybe it's me, maybe it's just the two of together...bad fit....well, funny thing is it wasn't a bad fit until about 2 years in...when the stress of a new business, living on a farm all set in.
After being out for three months, I can finely see it all very clearly. It wasn't me, it wasn't about me. It wasn't about him and me or me and him. It is ALL about him. There is history that could have made him prone to be mean and abusive. I don't know if that's it. What I do know is he was very, very mean and nasty towards me all of the sudden. And it wouldn't stop. When I tried to speak to him about it, the meanness turned to "I don't see you anymore." It was awful. I felt crazed.
My long drawn out point is that its very common to second guess, question if it was that bad, wonder if it's a matter of communication or compatibility. Your heart knows though. It knows the answer.
Peace and keep strong.
So sorry for all you went through. It's got to be so incredibly frustrating when others don't see it. Thankfully my family and friends support me.
The indecision drives me crazy. I just can't seem to believe that my marriage may be over. It makes me so sad and I guess that's why I want to believe that things could work. I hate the idea of having to deal with custody issues and not having my children with me on alternate weekends or however it'll work out. I just sit and go over everything again and again and worry myself sick.
"Abuse is not a contest. It does not matter that another woman's experience is different form or worse than yours any more than it would matter if someone else's cancer were "worse" than yours. Abuse is abuse, and it is always damaging. No one deserves to be abused-ever. Everyone who is a target of abuse deserves support and the resources needed to recover."
Notmyself----My situation is actually better than several here. I may make it worse because of my own inadequacies. Please do not think that I am in worse situation than you... we are all in a bad situation. On one hand it is sad that we are all here and in this situation. And on the other hand I am so thrilled to meet so many wonderful people who are so kind and compassionate. It is an awful situation we are in, but through it many of us are building new strengths, abilities, and friendships......
(It is also a both a burden and a blessing that I can find the good in most anything)
Stay strong and don't compare--- your situation is as real as anyone's
Since the time I've joined this forum it seems the recurring theme is the difficulty in feeling we are being too hard on our abuser AFTER they offer a charming, pleading, threatening case. I absolutely believe we need to self check and check in with others to be sure we are acting in a healthy and loving way to our spouses but our abusing spouse should not be our self checker! I'm giving myself this reminder as I write this.
Part of the abuse cycle is the abuser undermining the victims self confidence so the victim ends up relying on the abuser to define them. This destructive cycle continues through any kind of healing and perpetually undermines it bc we have formed such a habit of allowing our abuser to be our mirror.
I do not hear in his response that you shared that he is taking responsibility. He does not acknowledge your feelings in this. When he says "he feels scared to say anything" I see the road construction crew waving their flags to stop bc the bridge is out!!! Yikes! He's playing on your emotions knowing you want to be a caring person. I see a lot of examples from the post that was shared earlier about the Gift of Fear book.
It sounds like he is strong-arming or trying to convince you that you are not doing enough before he is willing to take responsibility and have patience to earn your trust. I think HE is causing the confusion and not the situation.
I would encourage you to read this week's post on Leslie Vernick's blog that Yellow inspired. I think she touches on much of what is going on in your post. I'm sorry that he is trying to hurt you instead of help you.