I have noticed from my own past experience unless he gets to the root of his own issues communication wont do anything he will continue the blame game and blame it all on you,

he will stop being mean to you after you help him to heal from all of the damage 'you've done to him'..

sounds like my ex:

I'll stop losing my temper with you if you start trusting me again.

"Getting nowhere..."

And you never will, with him, until you leave.

Being with an abuser is like living on a perpetual treadmill of him blaming you...

Abusers do not have the ability to accept responsibility for their actions. They look like normal people, they may act like normal people (in public) but if you could see what they really look like, they have a huge hole inside of them that makes them...broken. And you can't fix it...

Hugs to you for better days ahead. I have been where you are...

My husband also did the same thing to me initially before he realized and admitted that he has an anger issue. He would often get defensive, angry and blame me for things. He has lightened up and has been able to control his frustration before it comes out as anger.

What seemed to help was when he experienced another person reacting in the same way as he does to me. As he described the event to me and how hurt and frustrated he was, I told him that he also did the same thing to me. He didn't see it but when I pointed it out, he agreed.

I know it is so frustrating and so tiring to be constantly going nowhere in conversations. Knowing about your husband's childhood may help to explain his behavior but it is ultimately his responsibility to change.

Be well and stay strong!

My husband also did the same thing to me initially before he realized and admitted that he has an anger issue. He would often get defensive, angry and blame me for things. He has lightened up and has been able to control his frustration before it comes out as anger.

What seemed to help was when he experienced another person reacting in the same way as he does to me. As he described the event to me and how hurt and frustrated he was, I told him that he also did the same thing to me. He didn't see it but when I pointed it out, he agreed.

I know it is so frustrating and so tiring to be constantly going nowhere in conversations. Knowing about your husband's childhood may help to explain his behavior but it is ultimately his responsibility to change.

Be well and stay strong!

My ex cheated on me because : "I wasn't available for him".
He got angry, because:
I didn't trust him,
I shouldn't be asking him for ..., (you name it),
I didn't say it right,
Long list, I don't want to remember anymore.
They never change.

I'm sorry for your pain.


Has the exchange you shared
with us,cleared anything up
for you?

Your the architect of his destruction? If that's the case, then why the hell is he still around?

What a jackass... I suppose everything that goes wrong in the world is your fault too then.

reply #9 NOPE....according to my husband everything is my fault.

I am sorry I am not making light of a bad situation. It just struck a cord for me when I read about everything wrong in the world.

reply #9 NOPE....according to my husband everything is my fault.

I am sorry I am not making light of a bad situation. It just struck a cord for me when I read about everything wrong in the world.

Reading and writing is extremelly helpfull.
It cleared lots of question marks for me.
Thank you ladies.

Yes--the only place you will get, talking to him, is around and around and around to "it's all your fault!"

Wow--you are the "architect of his destruction" though--do they make degrees for that? I bet I could get one.

He's just a big old projector, and you won't be able to get through to him, sadly.

It really is hard to be with an emotional abuser like him so I don't want to make light of it.

But it does go to show that he is wrong. You absolutely try very hard to communicate with him and listen to him--and the things he says about you have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

I don't want to sound mean, or lacking in understanding, because I've been there. But ... how long do you want to stay on the merry-go-round? He's made it clear over and over again that he'll never take responsibility for anything, that everything is your fault and that he's not interested in any kind of change.

What do YOU want for your life? You can't change him. And he has absolutely no interest in hearing or caring for you.

Isn't it really wonderful that how the person who is getting beaten is responsible for getting the abuser to make him/her beat up.

Famous word of my x - "I never want to do ----(feel it up with shout at you/abuse you/give silent treatment to you/look down upon you...) but "you" make me do it".
It's like stabbing someone with knife and saying "Why the hell she kept the knife at my reach".

Only you are responsible for what you do or say...
Noone..Trust me noone can make you abuse/hurt others...
I can never think that anyone here can kick someone and later justify it by saying that they made them sooo anygry..

A normal person when angry doesn't abuse the other..
and definitely doesn't blame the other person for bringing this onto himself/herself...

Hope you see through the fog of his lies and deceipt and crazy making...

Lots of love and hugs...