I know exactly what you mean about wanting to act out. I had one serious manic episode when I was younger and sometimes I wonder what might have happened if dad hadn't slam dunked me in the psych ward. The answer, of course, is that I almost certainly would have ended up there or in jail anyway, but what if......

As for finding better friends/ lack of life, what do you do with your free time? In every community there is ample opportunity to volunteer, church programs of all kinds, food banks, youth programs, etc etc. Find something that interests you and spend some time helping others, it can be very rewarding in and of itself and you meet a nicer class of people who are potential friends.

I fully understand where you are coming from with all of this. The more you act out the more attention you receive. I think what our problem is now is that we see all the dysfunctional people in the world that are not good for us. What are we left with, for me, not much? You are only 35 so you will not have the below problems I have at my age but keep reading if you wish. By the time you reach my stage of life, the people I want in my life see me as weird. They do not understand why I have not reached the milestones of life. This ends up being a very lonely life. Henryreilly I have done a great deal of volunteer work so unless you are unemployed and you need to fill your life with activities the agencies and volunteer coordinators will suck you dry. I never found nicer classes of people when I volunteered in fact what I found was rich older woman and man who had nothing else to do with their lives but gossip and talk about all the people who they were helping and the people's faults. The volunteers I worked with in several agencies were "trust fund" babies that their high priced therapists told them to do this stuff.

Hiya ponygirl, sounds so like me..i know where you're coming from too..good luck and {{hugs}}..Wish i had the answer..xx

I'm really sorry you are going through all this. I know how you feel though. I am also bipolar and have BPD. Most of the time I feel like noone knows how I feel and everyone seems to avoid me. I have one or two real friends that I can count on but other than that I feel totally alone. That is why I joined this website. I figured other people who were experiencing the same things as myself could help with advice. Just try and keep your head up and things will turn around. Really sucky advice I know but its the only advice I can give :( Going out and trying to get attention that way only leads to even more hurt so try not to do that because it will turn out ten times more difficult. Trust me. I've experienced it. Good luck!