I'm not sure how much help I can be to you because I am undiagnosed myself and sometimes I don't know what it is I'm searching for or if I can ever find it. It's like I know my husband loves me even though sometimes I wonder how that is even possible with some of the stupid things I do. Unfortunately, he's not the really loving type and so I think if he were maybe I could feel like I could get some of the love my parents should have shown me but in reality it probably wouldn't make any difference because you can't get your childhood back to regain what you lost. Thankfully he is pretty understanding and never been abusive in anyway to me, he is actually very supportive.

I think the only thing you can really do is be there for him and be supportive, he will have to make the decision when he is ready to get help which is not any easy task even if he can find a good therapist I understand it takes a lot of work and effort on his part.

You shouldn't be sorry about posting here! That's awesome that you're trying to get insight about his behavior.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself and for him is get some kind of professional help. Is he seeing a therapist, a doctor, social worker - anyone? Is he willing to?

Like any other illness, it's unlikely that he'll get any better without treatment.

Make sure you're taking care of yourself, too. You're not f***ing up. You're human and you're going to say things that will trigger him. It's not your fault that his brain is flawed. No one in the world could never trigger a person with BPD.

I'm sorry he's been gone two days. You must be so worried. That's definitely something I would do. I try to isolate from my boyfriend like that a lot when I feel like he's going to leave me or hurt me. I need to withdraw when that's happening to protect myself. Sometimes my boyfriend can help me out of these states, and sometimes the only thing you can do is wait for them to pass.

Like Joyce says, being there for him and being supportive is the only thing you can do.
I've never been to therapy, so I can't give you any proven techniques that will help. If you'd like, I can tell you the things my boyfriend does to help when I'm in an episode. He's extremely supportive and dedicates so much time to helping me when I'm in episodes. It helps, but only until the next episode.. then we're at square one again. And it's so stressful for him. He's as involved with my disorder as I am. And that's pretty much my only motivation to get treatment.
If there's any way I can help, let me know!

thank you for your support. i feel like it is selfish of me to wish he would come home, like maybe i just need to give him his space and let him get through this... i'm trying to do the right thing but i have no idea what that is. i keep texting him and telling him i miss him and love him and hope he's safe. when someone with bpd in these kind of states hears this, is it reassuring? i am just trying to remind him through his pain that i am here, but sometimes it seems like it's upsetting him more. but if i don't try to contact him at all, i think that would be even more devastating to him...

lilahh, i would love to hear what your boyfriend does to help you. if it makes you feel more comfortable, you can send me a message, rather than posting it here.

We, BPDers do the push/pull thing. He will probably tell you how much he hates you, doesn't want to be with you anymore, he will try his HARDEST to push you away but what we really want is for you to STAY, forever. And never ever leave. But at our cores, because of abandonment, we believe you WILL leave us, so we push you away, so when he comes back, no matter what hurtful things he says, let him say it, then just give him a hug. Don't say anything. Just hug him tight....cause that's all any of us wants anyways.

Thanks, Crossingtheborder. i try to do this as best i can, and am glad to hear that it makes a difference. i promised him i would never leave until HE decided it was over. hopefully this is helpful to him.

Hi. I am going to be very blunt...is there a possibility he is using drugs? Disappearing for days because he doesn't like something you said is not a normal response. My neighbor is bi polar and also uses drugs. He is diagnosed BP. His wife left him in December. My ex husband, well I don't know exactly what his issues were but I know he was also a meth addict. But clean and sober he still had something wrong with him. He would use our arguments or disagreements as excuses to leave and go get high. He knew I would be there waiting like a dummy.

YOU CANNOT HELP THOSE THAT ARE NOT WILLING TO HELP THEMSELVES. Plain and simple truth.

I wish the very best for you and I hope you make a decision for yourself and your life instead of trying to help someone who doesn't want help. IF he did he would go and get help.

i don't believe he is using drugs. i have been around my fair share of addicts (meth, coke, smack), and he doesn't exhibit their kind of behavior. the last time he took off he went to stay with his friend, and that was in january, so about 3 months ago. that's a long time to wait to get high...

he's back now, back to himself again, and he said he had been staying at hotels and swore he didn't even come anywhere close to cheating... just to clear that up. (i hope.) he sometimes gets triggered and can come back around within a few hours through talking it out with me. other times it hits him really hard, and his reactions are pretty much as though i have just told him i slept with someone else, even if the trigger had nothing to do with that. it's when it hits hard that he isolates for days. this last time was the worst. it took him about 8 days to fully come out of his threatened state.

my big problem is that he doesn't want to admit that he could have a disorder, i believe mainly because of the stigma. he can be very manipulative, turning it into something wrong with ME, he rationalizes, and he refuses to discuss it.

it's true that i can't help people that won't help themselves. but i still have hope right now. because he DID admit that his behavior was out of his control...