Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
trying to figure out what is wrong with me... thinking maybe BPD..
this might be long, i apologize, but if you know anything about borderline personality disorder or anything similar to it, please read and help me figure this out?
i realized a while back that there is something wrong with me. something more than just depression, though that and OCD are all i've been officially diagnosed with. i really, really felt the need to know what else was wrong with me. i don't know why, but still, i feel like i have to know.. like the only way i will ever be able to make things better is if i can at least put a name to what's going on.
i did some research, read the symptoms of probably every possible condition, and when i came across BPD, i knew that had to be it.
the problem is, i've been to two different therapists since i found this information.. the first INSISTED that there is nothing wrong with me. NOTHING. seriously, lady? really? because everyone spends 4 hours at a time on their bathroom floor making lists of ways they could use household objects to kill themselves, right?
the second, i am really liking so far, and she hasn't yet said that there's nothing wrong with me, just that i need to not try so hard to figure it out. that i should just accept myself and work on getting better.
BUT, like i said... i don't feel like i can get better if i don't know what is wrong with me.
i'm fairly certain it's BPD, but i don't think i'll be satisfied with that until someone who knows more about it can tell me that that's what it is. if they won't, maybe someone on here can.
basically, i'm a mess. i get upset ALL the time. over the most pointless crap. when i'm not upset, i'm super happy, but that can change instantly. the second anyone says anything that could possibly even in the slightest way mean that there is even the tiniest thing wrong with me, i freak out. i hate them for it. any tiny bit of criticism and i hate myself and the person who said it for days. sometimes even weeks. i can really, really like a person, but the second they say something hurtful or even something that i perceive as hurtful when it isn't, i hate them. like, with a passion. i can't handle the idea of anyone not liking me. if i don't hear from a person i usually hear from, i assume they hate me and i freak out. i've been with my boyfriend now for 4 1/2 years (something my therapist says would never happen if i had BPD).. what i haven't told her (who knows why) is that he cheats on me.. constantly.. but i won't leave because i refuse to be alone. i would rather stay and hurt like this than have to be alone. i feel like i seek out the things that upset me or that hurt me and i cling to them... like i like being sad. i don't.. so idk why i do it, but i do. if a song makes me cry i will listen to it on repeat. if i remember something that makes me sad, i will replay that memory in my head for hours. and when i get upset, it's not just a normal kind of upset. i freak out. i panic. i shake, can't breathe, pace around, pull my hair, dig my nails into my arm, bite my lips and cheeks, until eventually i give in and cut myself.. then the panicking stops, but i'm still upset. sometimes i cry myself to sleep after that or the panicking starts again.. it depends..
on a regular basis, i'll get in my car and the first thing that pops into my head is "maybe i'll get in an accident today. maybe i'll get hurt. maybe, if i don't wear my seatbelt, i'll die." or i'll be driving and just think.. "i could run that red light." or "i could drive my car right into that wall/pole/incoming traffic, etc."
i also switch back and forth constantly between loving who i am and absolutely hating myself. looking in the mirror, it's like there are two of me and i never know which i'm going to see. either the smart, pretty, happy one who is doing great things with her life and should be proud.. or the fat, ugly, stupid one who is a terrible person and does everything wrong. i feel like i have no idea who i am most of the time, and that's what really bothers me. like i have no concept of who i am as a person. i feel like i'm constantly changing, and i'm never quite sure which version of myself is really me.
there's more.. but those are the things that seem most relevant. i know it's a lot.. but if there's anyone out there who can relate, who would be able to tell me if they think i might be right about it being BPD, or if anyone has any other ideas, please let me know. i KNOW this isn't normal... i just really want to know what's going on.
this might be long, i apologize, but if you know anything about borderline personality disorder or anything similar to it, please read and help me figure this out?
i realized a while back that there is something wrong with me. something more than just depression, though that and OCD are all i've been officially diagnosed with. i really, really felt the need to know what else was wrong with me. i don't know why, but still, i feel like i have to know.. like the only way i will ever be able to make things better is if i can at least put a name to what's going on.
i did some research, read the symptoms of probably every possible condition, and when i came across BPD, i knew that had to be it.
the problem is, i've been to two different therapists since i found this information.. the first INSISTED that there is nothing wrong with me. NOTHING. seriously, lady? really? because everyone spends 4 hours at a time on their bathroom floor making lists of ways they could use household objects to kill themselves, right?
the second, i am really liking so far, and she hasn't yet said that there's nothing wrong with me, just that i need to not try so hard to figure it out. that i should just accept myself and work on getting better.
BUT, like i said... i don't feel like i can get better if i don't know what is wrong with me.
i'm fairly certain it's BPD, but i don't think i'll be satisfied with that until someone who knows more about it can tell me that that's what it is. if they won't, maybe someone on here can.
basically, i'm a mess. i get upset ALL the time. over the most pointless crap. when i'm not upset, i'm super happy, but that can change instantly. the second anyone says anything that could possibly even in the slightest way mean that there is even the tiniest thing wrong with me, i freak out. i hate them for it. any tiny bit of criticism and i hate myself and the person who said it for days. sometimes even weeks. i can really, really like a person, but the second they say something hurtful or even something that i perceive as hurtful when it isn't, i hate them. like, with a passion. i can't handle the idea of anyone not liking me. if i don't hear from a person i usually hear from, i assume they hate me and i freak out. i've been with my boyfriend now for 4 1/2 years (something my therapist says would never happen if i had BPD).. what i haven't told her (who knows why) is that he cheats on me.. constantly.. but i won't leave because i refuse to be alone. i would rather stay and hurt like this than have to be alone. i feel like i seek out the things that upset me or that hurt me and i cling to them... like i like being sad. i don't.. so idk why i do it, but i do. if a song makes me cry i will listen to it on repeat. if i remember something that makes me sad, i will replay that memory in my head for hours. and when i get upset, it's not just a normal kind of upset. i freak out. i panic. i shake, can't breathe, pace around, pull my hair, dig my nails into my arm, bite my lips and cheeks, until eventually i give in and cut myself.. then the panicking stops, but i'm still upset. sometimes i cry myself to sleep after that or the panicking starts again.. it depends..
on a regular basis, i'll get in my car and the first thing that pops into my head is "maybe i'll get in an accident today. maybe i'll get hurt. maybe, if i don't wear my seatbelt, i'll die." or i'll be driving and just think.. "i could run that red light." or "i could drive my car right into that wall/pole/incoming traffic, etc."
i also switch back and forth constantly between loving who i am and absolutely hating myself. looking in the mirror, it's like there are two of me and i never know which i'm going to see. either the smart, pretty, happy one who is doing great things with her life and should be proud.. or the fat, ugly, stupid one who is a terrible person and does everything wrong. i feel like i have no idea who i am most of the time, and that's what really bothers me. like i have no concept of who i am as a person. i feel like i'm constantly changing, and i'm never quite sure which version of myself is really me.
there's more.. but those are the things that seem most relevant. i know it's a lot.. but if there's anyone out there who can relate, who would be able to tell me if they think i might be right about it being BPD, or if anyone has any other ideas, please let me know. i KNOW this isn't normal... i just really want to know what's going on.
deleted_user
Hello. I am new to DailyStrength today and wanted just to say that I have been clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder with manic and depressive traits. I have been on medication for a few years now, but I sometimes feel as if they don't work. I have been hospitalized at least 5 times within the last 4 years. Once for a threat of bodily harm to another vulnerable adult. I enjoy cutting, even though I have no means of satisfying that need presently.
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