Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
trying to figure out what is wrong with me... thinking maybe BPD..
this might be long, i apologize, but if you know anything about borderline personality disorder or anything similar to it, please read and help me figure this out?
i realized a while back that there is something wrong with me. something more than just depression, though that and OCD are all i've been officially diagnosed with. i really, really felt the need to know what else was wrong with me. i don't know why, but still, i feel like i have to know.. like the only way i will ever be able to make things better is if i can at least put a name to what's going on.
i did some research, read the symptoms of probably every possible condition, and when i came across BPD, i knew that had to be it.
the problem is, i've been to two different therapists since i found this information.. the first INSISTED that there is nothing wrong with me. NOTHING. seriously, lady? really? because everyone spends 4 hours at a time on their bathroom floor making lists of ways they could use household objects to kill themselves, right?
the second, i am really liking so far, and she hasn't yet said that there's nothing wrong with me, just that i need to not try so hard to figure it out. that i should just accept myself and work on getting better.
BUT, like i said... i don't feel like i can get better if i don't know what is wrong with me.
i'm fairly certain it's BPD, but i don't think i'll be satisfied with that until someone who knows more about it can tell me that that's what it is. if they won't, maybe someone on here can.
basically, i'm a mess. i get upset ALL the time. over the most pointless crap. when i'm not upset, i'm super happy, but that can change instantly. the second anyone says anything that could possibly even in the slightest way mean that there is even the tiniest thing wrong with me, i freak out. i hate them for it. any tiny bit of criticism and i hate myself and the person who said it for days. sometimes even weeks. i can really, really like a person, but the second they say something hurtful or even something that i perceive as hurtful when it isn't, i hate them. like, with a passion. i can't handle the idea of anyone not liking me. if i don't hear from a person i usually hear from, i assume they hate me and i freak out. i've been with my boyfriend now for 4 1/2 years (something my therapist says would never happen if i had BPD).. what i haven't told her (who knows why) is that he cheats on me.. constantly.. but i won't leave because i refuse to be alone. i would rather stay and hurt like this than have to be alone. i feel like i seek out the things that upset me or that hurt me and i cling to them... like i like being sad. i don't.. so idk why i do it, but i do. if a song makes me cry i will listen to it on repeat. if i remember something that makes me sad, i will replay that memory in my head for hours. and when i get upset, it's not just a normal kind of upset. i freak out. i panic. i shake, can't breathe, pace around, pull my hair, dig my nails into my arm, bite my lips and cheeks, until eventually i give in and cut myself.. then the panicking stops, but i'm still upset. sometimes i cry myself to sleep after that or the panicking starts again.. it depends..
on a regular basis, i'll get in my car and the first thing that pops into my head is "maybe i'll get in an accident today. maybe i'll get hurt. maybe, if i don't wear my seatbelt, i'll die." or i'll be driving and just think.. "i could run that red light." or "i could drive my car right into that wall/pole/incoming traffic, etc."
i also switch back and forth constantly between loving who i am and absolutely hating myself. looking in the mirror, it's like there are two of me and i never know which i'm going to see. either the smart, pretty, happy one who is doing great things with her life and should be proud.. or the fat, ugly, stupid one who is a terrible person and does everything wrong. i feel like i have no idea who i am most of the time, and that's what really bothers me. like i have no concept of who i am as a person. i feel like i'm constantly changing, and i'm never quite sure which version of myself is really me.
there's more.. but those are the things that seem most relevant. i know it's a lot.. but if there's anyone out there who can relate, who would be able to tell me if they think i might be right about it being BPD, or if anyone has any other ideas, please let me know. i KNOW this isn't normal... i just really want to know what's going on.
this might be long, i apologize, but if you know anything about borderline personality disorder or anything similar to it, please read and help me figure this out?
i realized a while back that there is something wrong with me. something more than just depression, though that and OCD are all i've been officially diagnosed with. i really, really felt the need to know what else was wrong with me. i don't know why, but still, i feel like i have to know.. like the only way i will ever be able to make things better is if i can at least put a name to what's going on.
i did some research, read the symptoms of probably every possible condition, and when i came across BPD, i knew that had to be it.
the problem is, i've been to two different therapists since i found this information.. the first INSISTED that there is nothing wrong with me. NOTHING. seriously, lady? really? because everyone spends 4 hours at a time on their bathroom floor making lists of ways they could use household objects to kill themselves, right?
the second, i am really liking so far, and she hasn't yet said that there's nothing wrong with me, just that i need to not try so hard to figure it out. that i should just accept myself and work on getting better.
BUT, like i said... i don't feel like i can get better if i don't know what is wrong with me.
i'm fairly certain it's BPD, but i don't think i'll be satisfied with that until someone who knows more about it can tell me that that's what it is. if they won't, maybe someone on here can.
basically, i'm a mess. i get upset ALL the time. over the most pointless crap. when i'm not upset, i'm super happy, but that can change instantly. the second anyone says anything that could possibly even in the slightest way mean that there is even the tiniest thing wrong with me, i freak out. i hate them for it. any tiny bit of criticism and i hate myself and the person who said it for days. sometimes even weeks. i can really, really like a person, but the second they say something hurtful or even something that i perceive as hurtful when it isn't, i hate them. like, with a passion. i can't handle the idea of anyone not liking me. if i don't hear from a person i usually hear from, i assume they hate me and i freak out. i've been with my boyfriend now for 4 1/2 years (something my therapist says would never happen if i had BPD).. what i haven't told her (who knows why) is that he cheats on me.. constantly.. but i won't leave because i refuse to be alone. i would rather stay and hurt like this than have to be alone. i feel like i seek out the things that upset me or that hurt me and i cling to them... like i like being sad. i don't.. so idk why i do it, but i do. if a song makes me cry i will listen to it on repeat. if i remember something that makes me sad, i will replay that memory in my head for hours. and when i get upset, it's not just a normal kind of upset. i freak out. i panic. i shake, can't breathe, pace around, pull my hair, dig my nails into my arm, bite my lips and cheeks, until eventually i give in and cut myself.. then the panicking stops, but i'm still upset. sometimes i cry myself to sleep after that or the panicking starts again.. it depends..
on a regular basis, i'll get in my car and the first thing that pops into my head is "maybe i'll get in an accident today. maybe i'll get hurt. maybe, if i don't wear my seatbelt, i'll die." or i'll be driving and just think.. "i could run that red light." or "i could drive my car right into that wall/pole/incoming traffic, etc."
i also switch back and forth constantly between loving who i am and absolutely hating myself. looking in the mirror, it's like there are two of me and i never know which i'm going to see. either the smart, pretty, happy one who is doing great things with her life and should be proud.. or the fat, ugly, stupid one who is a terrible person and does everything wrong. i feel like i have no idea who i am most of the time, and that's what really bothers me. like i have no concept of who i am as a person. i feel like i'm constantly changing, and i'm never quite sure which version of myself is really me.
there's more.. but those are the things that seem most relevant. i know it's a lot.. but if there's anyone out there who can relate, who would be able to tell me if they think i might be right about it being BPD, or if anyone has any other ideas, please let me know. i KNOW this isn't normal... i just really want to know what's going on.
I imagine that mental illness is a tricky and difficult thing to diagnose because the symptoms are not black and white. My therapist asked me to "think about" what good an actual diagnosis would be to me. This is a logical question because some people prefer to not be labelled. For me, I think it might help guide my rehabilitation, and that of those I have affected. However, maybe you have a different take on it?
and i hadn't even thought about that.. co-dependent tendencies... i'll look into it.
and i feel the same.. like having a label would help me figure out how to manage these things. and i know that all of this has to be hard for the people i'm close to to deal with, so i thought if i could straight up tell them "look, this is what's wrong with me. this is what you can expect from me. this is how you can help." maybe i won't seem like such a nutcase.. maybe i can get help from them instead of fighting with everyone all the time and never having any support..
thank you for your input.. i appreciate it. =]
then some link on some random page took me to something about dependent personality disorder... and that seemed like it might fit, too.
then i started to panic thinking that i'll never know what's wrong with me... so i closed all the pages and decided it was probably time to stop reading.
Furthermore, chances are you may have a combination of disorders, and symptoms can overlap. So it doesn't mean you are wrong in your potential diagnosis, but it may not be the only one. Don't take that the wrong way, it is very common for sufferers of mental illness to exhibit symptoms of more than one, for example PTSD+anxiety+depression+alcohol dependency. For me, I have been told I have depression, and anxiety, and I now wonder if they are a part of BPD...
I was diagnosed at 25, but didn't know until almost 30. I called my old therapist and she confirmed it. It did help to know what the issue was. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. It's worth it to pursue this avenue more. Look into DBT therapy. It's short for dialectical behavior therapy. It's like CBT but with a mindfulness aspect.
Let me know if you'd like to know more.
Rachel
I wonder if you could be triggered with your therapist if her view would be different and she'd change her tune.
Does it matter if you get an official dx? Why not just say you want to receive treatment for the symptoms, not matter what the situation?
I am diagnosed with BPD. I have tried to kill myself before and also been hospitalized in psychiatric ward.
My psychiatrist has put me prescription meds (anti depressant and anti-psychotic meds) which help me. I am also joining DBT program next month (a 7 month course) which will help me. I meditate and do yoga, which have literally changed my life. Being spiritual helps me too.
Get a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist and they will also recommend how to work with it. It's a medical condition and there is always a way to deal with any medical condition.
I remember one time being told borderline is a 'blanket' title given to people who have had negative childhood experiences and I almost went through the roof.. lol..
my personal experience with having my 'titles' kind of sucks because it seems that as soon as doctors know you have bipolar and or borderline they don't look past it like somehow anything possibly wrong is all tied to those diagnosis, which drives me batty..
I agree with what is said about the black and white thinking with no shades of grey though.. I am the type of person that gets put off very easily as well.. but for me if it's a regular person that means nothing to me the wrong look, words or whatever and to me they are no longer in existence and therefor I have nothing to do with them and that's it no ifs, ands, or buts about it.. they're done with me that's it that's all.. with people I have grown to love I tend to be a little more patient or I find a way to convince myself to be forgiving to 'character flaws or whatever I happen to get mad at' which is sometimes nothing at all, but it makes me mad none the less..
I have issues with people in my family that I feel have done me wrong too many times in my opinion, and have cut them off completely and couldn't care less how it makes them feel and according to my psychiatrist my 'ability' to be this way is due to the borderline.
relationship wise up until the man I am currently together with, men meant nothing to me and I thought I was incapable of love and that I was some type of 'heart of ice' person but I would be in these b.s. relationships and stay with a guy that I felt nothing for just because I did not want to be alone... so to me reading the things you've said there are some points I definitely agree with.. as far as the parts of having the suicidal ideations and you saying that you've been diagnosed with depression already to me i'm thinking maybe that might be part n parcel with the depression aspect.. but at the same time all the 'bad' thoughts could also be some type of a call for help.. if that makes sense.. I know this is realllllly long but I wanted to try to share perspective and see if it's of any use..
oh and just my 2 bits regarding the therapist.. I agree with having no trust for them.. in the last 22 years I have come to only trust one practitioner and that's my psychiatrist and believe me when I say that poor woman has jumped through some serious hoops to earn that trust.. the problem I see with most therapists is they just don't get it.. and are so easy to put off peoples feelings and either push too many pills or are too 'textbook' and in my opinion that's just not conducive to helping anyone.
best of luck to you and I really hope my 'story' helps in some way or other.
Diagnoses are tricky and not always highly reliable. WIth Personality Disorders, including BPD, there is often overlap with other PD's and other psychiatric conditions. Also there are mild, moderate and severe forms of PD and well as traits of PD just shy of a formal diagnosis.
PD's are not something you have or don't have. Its not a yes/no thing. Its all subtle. Some people are more comfortable with having a diagnosis because it helps them focus and they can see themselves on a "checklist" but in reality there are many variations.