Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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woulddoitagain 02/23/2011

It's been a couple of months since I posted. For those not familiar with my situation, my mother has blamed me for her family being torn apart (my sister's husband abused my son). She has spent the last 3 1/2 years trying to keep me from extended family, deliberately keeping serious illnesses about extended family from me and playing mind games with me and my family. She has invited us over numerous times for dinner with place settings for us in the dining room and one place setting for her in the kitchen. The first time was 3 years ago on my birthday and it really hurt. The next several times it was for no special occassion, the last time was for my abused son's birthday (it's one thing to do it to me, but to do this to my son - I was livid). Each time she does this I bring her place setting in and tell her she's eating with us. Good grief she's 67 years old - grow up already!!! Well my birthday is just a couple of weeks away and she's called twice to have us over for dinner, needless to say I have no desire to go and feel totally unwelcome in her house which by the way is where the abuse happened. I have done everything I can to keep my children's relationship with her as normal as possible and made every decision based on what's best for my children. The anxiety from the abuse and the turmoil my mother has caused has made my health suffer. I'm tired of all the drama...am I selfish to tell her no to dinner and why. Getting her out of my life would be so much better for my health, but I know for my kids sake I can't walk away from here completely.

raniagale 02/23/2011

It is not selfish at all to state your boundaries and to only go if she is able to stick to them and also okay not to go if not. I am not sure of the age(s), but I think it is important also for us to model appropriate boundaries for our children and for them to understand this. Their boundaries have already been unfairly crossed, so it is even more important for them to know that it is okay, good and right to have boundaries and to inforce them.

I am sorry that you are going through this, it is terrible when entire families are torn apart.
Rani

annholly 02/23/2011

woulddoitagain, you know what you need to do in your heart. She is a toxic person to you. Why kind of positive message is she sending your children when she acts the way she acts. Sit down and write her a letter, mail it to her and let it go. You cant be getting sick over this you have your kids to take care of and you need to be strong. Your mother as some serious issues and only a therapist can help. Prayers to you. H

mommaKL 02/23/2011

I agree with rani and ann. One suggestion to add, since the abuse happened there I wouldn't want my son to be there anyways. If you do decide to be with her for your birthday, have her come to your house or out somewhere for a dinner. That has to be a horrible place for your son to walk in and all those feelings come back and then to see you treated horribly,not worth it.

shattered14 02/26/2011

hi woulddoitagain!The same thing happened to my family.my sister's husband abused my older son.My mom babysits my sister's younger son everyday and they all stay with her on the weekends---with the husband.I have to admit I'm still hurt by all this,knowing that they go on with their lives like nothing wrong happened,but I have somewhat let go.I have forgiven my sister and my mom for turning their backs on me and my kids.I sometimes think of cutting any ties with my mom,but I want my kids to know and love their grandma so I just push my feelings aside and think more of the kids.Just be strong,don't push your son to go to that house if he doesn't want to,and you don't have to either.Let them say what they want,as long as you know you are not doing anything wrong,keep your head high.

woulddoitagain 02/28/2011

Thanks all! Your right shattered14, it sound as if our families are running parallel paths right now, just with different characters. My mom watches my sisters children as well. They all go on vacations together and my sister and brother in law have bought her very nice gifts since disclosure. Gifts including a new SUV. Ironic considering they were too cheap to buy their own aspirin until after all this came out in the open. The strange thing is I was never really mad or angry with my sister for her denial or nasty comments. Hurt, but not mad or angry. I guess I expected it...I completely understood why she acted that way. It is her husband after all and she loves him. Sick as it is I understand.

deleted_user 03/01/2011

If it was me I would stay away from them all. THey are never gonna see the light. Do what is best for you and your family. I would never let my child be around them ever again, that would be a trigger!! My sons therapist said we should move as us living so close to the abuser is a trigger every time we drive that way in the car.Only be around family memebers that are healthy..

deleted_user 03/02/2011

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I'm having a similar issue with my grandmother who blames me for tearing her family apart when I reported my cousin abusing my children. She asks us not to keep her great-grandkids from her, but when we are there, she is disrespectful to me. She even has pictures of the perp hanging up. I've been trying to keep it all from my kiddos, putting on that fake smile, but they are much more in tune to what is going on than I give them credit for. I know they love her, but it isn't healthy for them either.

deleted_user 03/07/2011

you need to decide what is best for the victim and yourself. . . what message is this sending to her.

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