PS...my husband is sound asleep with the abuse in his little compartment in his head....he said I am obsessed and need to let it go....WoW! I should just do that!

It is so sad that our society has such a history of "hiding the secret". Although I didn't experience all the hell you have been experiencing, my MIL is still in denial over her son and I lost so many friends and associates through it all that just "didn't want any sexual abuse talk to leak through into their home". I even had a lady call me at 2 a.m. to come pick up my 11 year old daughter from a sleep over because the other kids kept questioning her over and over and over about where her dad was and she finally told them the truth, that he was in prison and she had been abused. And we except our kids to be honest? Really?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. As you can see, I can still get on an angry rant 5 years later about that particular issue.

And it is just my opinion, so I hope no offense, but I have observed a few occasions where the relationship with your counselor seems not such a good fit. If I were you, I would look for another counselor, if possible, that may be able to fit your needs and be of more help to you.

Also, stress is always damaging to health...and this goes WAY beyond that. I didn't realize for a year or two that I actually had PTSD (until my new therapist actually assessed for this) and my health did improve a lot after receiving treatment for that.

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers,
Rani

MommaKL, I'm so sorry for all that you're going thru, it's too much! I'd have to agree with Rani that you may need a different counselor; if you're not ready to forgive, then she should be addressing that, and that's if forgiveness is warranted. As Annholly said in another post, forgiveness is actually necessary only where there is repentance. But I think it is something that, in time with working thru things in your own way and at your own pace, can help--it can just be between you and God, the perp doesn't need to know; it's only for your benefit, not his. Forgiving shouldn't be excusing and certainly shouldn't act to enable anyone to escape accountability, whether it's the perp, or his supporters.

I'm hoping and praying that you can somehow work to not let this issue have so much control and power in your life--your health is important to you and your kids. Until you can know that contact with your husband's family won't elicit that anger, maybe you could just avoid them--don't pick up the phone or interact with them until you've progressed further on the healing path. It's not easy or short term for most, so don't let negative or destructive people derail your progress.

Is there a way you can channel the anger into a constructive activity or idea? Using it in exercise or running, jazzercise or some other activity can get it out and help your BP too. I'm hoping I can be able to go speak at schools or women's groups about this one day to help raise awareness--is that a possibility for you? Maybe you could do something together with your daughter so it could help her too if she's old enough and open to it. Try to figure out a way to use it to your benefit, not your detriment--the perp should not be allowed to have that power and control in your life, so take it back!

I don't know what to say about your husband--he is his mother's son. You may have to just drop the whole thing where he's concerned for a while, and do your own thing. Hopefully down the road, or along the way he'll have an epiphany and realize you wouldn't be expending so many efforts on something that supposedly didn't happen the way your daughter has described. But I'm glad you come here to vent and seek support-- know that you're in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending you healing (((hugs.)))

Thank you Rani. How do you get tested for PTSD? Is it common for parents of abused children to have it?
I love my counselor but you may be right. I might just need to talk to her and tell her to save the forgiveness speaches for later on when I am ready, if I am ready and just help me through this right now.
Bandmom I am going to avoid them from now on. Let my husband deal with them. They have made it clear that I am not welcome in their lives etc.... Always nice with a pedophile makes you feel like you did something so wrong you can't be around the family. Anyways....I do need to do something with this anger. I need to get my old personality back and laugh again. I do paint and decorate and stuff. Might need to get my easle out and keep it set up for those moments when it's overwhelming.
I tell my daughter all the time to take the power back from him, I need to follow my own advise!
I hate to be so angry.

It was really a pretty simple assessment. My therapist just asked me to fill out a few questions (I had no idea until she shared the results with me). Maybe you could ask to be assessed? It is common for parents of abused children to also share the trauma and have some level of PTSD. Some of mine may have come from actually walking in on the abuse - as far as the flashbacks and such, but I think even in other cases where this is not the case there are still the pictures in our head. There are so many feelings and on so many different levels, it is terribly traumatic.

MommaKL,

I know exactly what you are referring to when you say "I hate to be so angry". However, I'm not so sure having a therapist tell you to just forgive is the right thing either. I've heard that from a number of folks and everybody that says it has never walked in yours or mine shoes. I don't think anybody has a right to tell you and I how we should deal with the anger we have. I don't think it is healthy for somebody to tell us our anger is not warrented. I've dealth with the anger I have for my wife's perp. for over 20 years and for me it has never gotten better. I don't buy into the notion that I'm the one that has issues because some scumbag decided to steal my wife's childhood and wreak havoc on our marriage.

I'm not trying to be a downer for you but don't beat yourself up over having to forgive somebody for the heinous acts commited on your little Angel. I believe the best thing that you can do for your're daughter and yourself is stay as far away as possible from your F.I.L. & anybody else who does not have serious compassion for your daughter.

I hope things get better for you and your Angel !

No therapist has the right to tell you to forgive, it is your path and your feelings and noone has a right to put a time table on them. Molestation has far reaching tentacles and hurts so many people. A month ago today I put my son in the Psych unit for 5 days as he wanted to die from the flashbacks he has had and he always says that pedofile took my soul so I know where you are coming from. My son was abused from the ages of 4-9 by a daycare provider and his wife and my son is now 19 and is still at home and didnt graduate hs etc, depressions etc all related to the abuse. He is starting therapy so he can start to heal.. I feel my son has lost his childhood and parts of his maturity to keep this covered up so many years and I will tell you this I am angry as hell as what that puke did and his wife.You father inlaw is sick and your mil is too!!! Keep doing the right thing for you and your daughter and I hope in time your hubby comes around or I dont know if your marriage will last. His first concern should be your daughter and you . He is in denial.. keep venting, I find it is the only way to process this.. hugs to you..

Before I reached a place of forgiveness, I first was angry. Very very angry. Actually, enraged. It was overwhelming and that sounds about where you are right now. Get a therapist who you feel is safe. If you are walking out of therapy arguing with your therapist in your head, you need a new one. Period. This is such a heavy heavy load, that you need support, not more conflict. Ask God to guide you to the right therapist.

Rani that is horrible to walk in on that. I cannot even handle it in my imagination, I cannot imagine seeing it. You are very strong to work through that.
Thank you Tom. I am going to stay away from them and not pick up the phone if they ever call. No good can come from them denying to me, again and again. I hope your wife is doing better. You are a very supportive husband, she is lucky.
Sherribu my heart breaks for your son. They robbed him of his self esteem. I had to put my daughter in several psyc wards, a residential place and then eventually jail. The good thing is you know why and he can work on it. I never knew why until years later. I feel we could of helped her sooner had we known. I am so happy he is starting counseing. That has to be hard to live with in his mind. Prayers that he gets the help he needs and realizes he is an awesome person and it wasn't his fault.
Thank you imnotbroken. I had a session yesterday and left with such peace and a new outlook. I have given him too much power already and I have to work on myself and my marriage or he will win again. I can not let him win. I have to forgive, not him, but myself. I was/am a great mother and love my kids and had i known I would of protected her.

Mommakl, be easy on yourself sweetie. Your angry and that is OK for now. I know how you feel when your husband says you cant let it go,my husband says the same thing. I am really beginning to believe my marriage may not survive this. It will Never be gone, just like it will Never be gone for our kids, but we learn to manage it, we find new strengths that we didnt know we had. When my kids saw that I was trying to get my happiness back they reacted better. That is one of the reasons they dont want to tell, they cant stand the thought of hurting us. Try taking a meditation class or yoga. You need to take care of your health or you wont be good to anyone. Are you on a mild antidepressant? It might not be a bad idea for awhile. I am now in the process of weaning myself off after being on one for 10 mos. I agree with the above, stay away from your in-laws. Your MIL just cant handle the thought of her husband doing something like that. She is not capable, so she is probably not going to be any help. Hang in there and keep talking to us, we are all such a great support to each other, I dont know what I would have done if I did not find this site. Just knowing that someone shares the most extreme pain with me and understands it is a comfort to me. Hugs to you! H

I'm better today One day at a time. You are right, it will never be gone. I hope you can work things out in your marriage, it's the hardest thing a couple can go through.
I have considered yoga. I'll almost try anything to feel better. I am on anti dep, I can only imagine if I wasn't.
This site is awesome, such a help. I really appreciate the ongoing support, esp when I go a little crazy and vent.
Hugs to you too. Hang in there.

I bought a punching bag.....I can feel the anger fester up in me when I start feeling all "wacky" I go out there and beat the shit out of it.
It helps. I so get all the anger out, the anger that my husbands seems to have just forgiven our nephew, the anger that the whole family seems to have forgotten what this kids did to my son. The anger that my son is so strong that HE forgives his cousin...I can't, I won't ever get over.......so the punching bag is my release, my stress reducer and most of the time, my nephew.

Thats a great idea lividmommy. Sounds like a good stress releaser!!!!

I want one too. I'm going to name it PediPaul and beat the crap out of it every day. Kill two birds with one stone, exercise and anger. Thanks for the idea lividmommy.