Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I wanted to say thank you to everyone here who shares their pain and also for those who can finally share a few joys. I have struggled over the last five years with my relationship with my ex-MIL, the kids' contact with her and Yankeeb's letter to her MIL was so inspiring to me. It really made me think about exactly WHAT it is that people that are on the outside of sexual abuse don't really get. I've tried so many times to tell my ex-MIL why it's not okay to talk to the kids about their dad, why they really don't want to know or communicate with him, why it hurts them, why it makes them feel guilty, and on and on and on. As my discovery was so similar to Yankeeb's, it was like hitting the nail on the head. Now, I realize part of my ex-MIL's denial is because you can't really KNOW until you've experienced it in such detail. What she and most people on the outside do not realize:
That "picture" of what I walked in on is permanently imprinted in my mind. Most people cannot even imagine such a picture and it really would not be normal for them to be able to.
That so much of our feelings of guilt are because when we look back at what seemed so normal at the time, we "see" through the eyes of knowledge of the abuse. I know the exact night he first touched her (from her interview and from all the sleepless nights of going over and over and over everything). I had gone to teach a dance class. When I returned, he seemed a bit anxious and had been drinking. Of course, I'm trying to get back in the house, get things settled to start getting the kids ready for bed. He tells me that the kids have had their showers (they both were still young enough at that time to need some supervision). Okay, that's good. Then he tells me that neither of them were cleaning in the proper order so he had shown them to wash their hair, then do their arms, then legs and then their private parts. At the time, it seemed an absolutely normal thing for a parent to do. I was like okay, that's good, I hadn't realized they were doing it out of order. Now, looking back, I can see soooo clearly how nervous he really was and how almost hectic he was to cover up what he had done. This is also like a "picture" imprinted forever in my mind.
I would have never once considered that this could be happening. I knew we were having problems in our sex life and that he had been viewing a lot of pornography. I did think THAT was the issue. As far as my kids, I was a stay at home mom, with my kids 24/7. Except for teaching my dance classes, I was NEVER away from them. I was employed doing computer work from home. What I found out at the interview was that the MAJORITY of the abuse happened while I was there - not even behind a closed door, but in the hallway or in the dining room with an open archway - because he could HEAR if I was coming that way!!!
What people on the outside don't understand is that these predators took every single thing that was normal and made it into something to question and even fear. For the kids they abused and for us who look back at what seemed so normal at the time and realize it wasn't.
I am thankful for everyone's support here. It is so hard to share so much of ourselves and our pain, but I want each of you to know that even five years out, it is still so helpful to touch base with those that understand and have been through the horror. It has given me the strength to write a few letters that I have been needing to write for a long, long time.
That "picture" of what I walked in on is permanently imprinted in my mind. Most people cannot even imagine such a picture and it really would not be normal for them to be able to.
That so much of our feelings of guilt are because when we look back at what seemed so normal at the time, we "see" through the eyes of knowledge of the abuse. I know the exact night he first touched her (from her interview and from all the sleepless nights of going over and over and over everything). I had gone to teach a dance class. When I returned, he seemed a bit anxious and had been drinking. Of course, I'm trying to get back in the house, get things settled to start getting the kids ready for bed. He tells me that the kids have had their showers (they both were still young enough at that time to need some supervision). Okay, that's good. Then he tells me that neither of them were cleaning in the proper order so he had shown them to wash their hair, then do their arms, then legs and then their private parts. At the time, it seemed an absolutely normal thing for a parent to do. I was like okay, that's good, I hadn't realized they were doing it out of order. Now, looking back, I can see soooo clearly how nervous he really was and how almost hectic he was to cover up what he had done. This is also like a "picture" imprinted forever in my mind.
I would have never once considered that this could be happening. I knew we were having problems in our sex life and that he had been viewing a lot of pornography. I did think THAT was the issue. As far as my kids, I was a stay at home mom, with my kids 24/7. Except for teaching my dance classes, I was NEVER away from them. I was employed doing computer work from home. What I found out at the interview was that the MAJORITY of the abuse happened while I was there - not even behind a closed door, but in the hallway or in the dining room with an open archway - because he could HEAR if I was coming that way!!!
What people on the outside don't understand is that these predators took every single thing that was normal and made it into something to question and even fear. For the kids they abused and for us who look back at what seemed so normal at the time and realize it wasn't.
I am thankful for everyone's support here. It is so hard to share so much of ourselves and our pain, but I want each of you to know that even five years out, it is still so helpful to touch base with those that understand and have been through the horror. It has given me the strength to write a few letters that I have been needing to write for a long, long time.
I also had no idea what was going on week after week for months just a few yards down the hall from where I was preparing supper or hanging with "friends." I also keep seeing just one image that now in hindsight I should have reacted differently to--I went to my son's room to get my son and the perp for supper, and the door was locked. I heard scuffling around, and my son opened the door, the perp had a "deer in the headlights" look on his face, and I said, "man it smells like a locker room in here," and my son said they were wrestling around. I barely had a hairwidth fleeting thought of something possibly not being right, but I then totally bought it, because my son had never been a liar, and the perp was really a part of our family, supposedly not on good terms with his brother, and misunderstood by his parents, and they had innocently wrestled around before.
Our life has changed so much, but we are much wiser, in ways we never dreamed we'd need to be.
You missed it because it was all normal. You know, we lived in a couple of different homes. In one, my office and desk was in the bedroom. I didn't think anything of it because it was a small place and there was not really any other place to put it. When we moved, I had mentioned I would love to have my desk where there was a window etc. Somehow, my desk ended up in the bedroom again. He had explained that he needed this much space for his office stuff and since he was a huge IT guy for several cities etc....I agreed.
Now, when I look back, I can see that he was intentionally manipulating the situation so that I was far enough away and would be heard (coming downstairs) or whatever for his own sick ends!!!
These are the things that I don't think in-laws and others get - how intentionally manipulative it all is.
That is really sad that employers can not understand what you guys went through and you lost your employment as well. How much can one person be expected to handle at once??? Good luck on the job hunting. Times are tough enough without money problems on top of it.
Thank you all for being on here!!