Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Wow, I'm so glad I found this board and I hope I can find some in a similar situation. I have felt so incredibly alone in the last 6 months or so since my 16 year old daughter disclosed that her 18 year old brother had touched her inappropriately several times when she was age 9-13. I have told very few people in our lives, including their younger brother, because my daughter is not ready for others to know and I don't want to stick a label on either one of them--especially since I'm still not sure the extent of what really happened. We live in a city with good support, they both have excellent therapists and say they are doing well in therapy and have had some joint sessions which went well. But there is so little for the parents. I tried some therapy through my employee assistance program but it really hasn't been a good match and I'm searching for someone else. Thank God for a grandmotherly friend of mine who is a survivor of family sexual abuse in her own childhood who I can talk to about everything. But having a place where I can message with other people truly in a similar situation is something I have wished for from the beginning. Hoping to connect with some here.
I'm so glad you have a friend who understands your shock and pain. Please do keep looking for a therapist you like. This is an enormously complicated situation and you deserve to have someone available for regular one-to-one professional support.
Don't often get on here anymore. I am the mother of two daughters abused by an older brother, starting when they were very young. It is coming up to six years past disclosure. The years have been very difficult and I could not have come through without people from this board, counsellors, friends and to an extent, family.
I have not seen our son since disclosure and we have all but lost contact with him. Our daughters, now aged 18 and 20, are struggling with severe mental health issues. We, as parents, have learnt so much, so quickly, and have come out stronger for ir, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Happy to talk more and if you want to message me that's fine.
So many conflicting emotions when you are the parents of both the perp and survivor.
Thanks for reaching out. These days I am so wrung out with all the crisis we have to deal with that the thought of interacting with anyone else leaves me exhausted, so I don't come here very often, but appreciate the times I do.
Totally been there with falling asleep exhausted and then waking 1 hour later and that's it, being unable to stay in bed so getting online in the middle of the night, eating maybe one granola bar a day, etc. It's not always this bad. But it will be a long haul, and the better you can take care of yourself the better you'll be able to take care of your kids. I'd advise to get the ball rolling now on counseling for yourself (it can take awhile, esp now with Covid), talk to your medical doctor or even go to urgent care and see if there are non-addictive meds that would help you be able to get sleep, stay calm enough to function, keep you from slipping into a bottomless pit of depression. Set your phone to remind yourself to eat and drink something if you have to. This board is a great place to come to vent and ask ANYTHING you want to--no one will be shocked by any of it, sadly. One number that is always available to call, 24/7, totally confidential, is the national sexual assault hotline, 800-656-4673 I used to think it was only to call right after you'd been raped but they are happy to talk to anyone at any point who has been affected by sexual abuse or assault, to them or a family member.
Our situation is very complicated because my oldest was a side dish to the main course of sexual abuse: my best friend's family abusing 3 of my kids (3, 8 & 11/special needs at disclosures) for up to 4 years time, the worst of it being the year my oldest had cancer. Weapons, physical violence, preventing them from calling me & threatening they would get in trouble had been used to get them to comply.
I am lucky & found an amazing trauma therapist who specializes in EMDR and continued to see me for free even after my sessions thru victims of crime compensation ran out. I still see her even now but I am able to finally pay, in this last year, for her services. My oldest is in therapy but on an as-needed basis chosen by him; he has done EMDR also. We found out he had been sexually abused as a child and his age progression was stunted so that he presented as a twelve-year-old in his thinking at 14. My second son, the special needs child that was abused, is in therapy on an as-needed basis which has been about once or twice a year. The isolation from this year has brought him a lot of healing and acceptance for what he and his siblings went through. My daughter is in therapy every other week with the 5th therapist that we tried and finally fit her; she has also done EMDR. She's doing amazing for who she is and has minimal issues that the average person would see at this point. My little guy it's almost 9 and is in therapy every other month; he has also done EMDR. We actually have just started having dry nights in this past month for the first time in five years!
He's doing amazing in school, finally, and I'm so excited to see how he continues to progress and heal this year! He still has a lot of big emotions that were mostly past the nightmare stage...until he processes some of the big disclosures he hasn't shared but I know happened. My baby, who is almost 6, is finally living in an environment without extreme PTSD for the first time in his life this year! Luckily he has never been abused and since he is also special needs, I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays that way.
You're welcome to go to my profile and read through my stories from the first post to give you a better idea of the hell that we lived through and survived and come out on the other side. My heart was once broken in a million pieces and I worked my booty off to duct tape it back together and now I can't even tell that I had duct tape on; it's a full normal heart again.
I don't get on here much any more but you're welcome to email me if you want to talk or have any questions or need advice about something specific that you think I could help you with.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I read a book recently about "lifequakes" and it said that the average time it takes to recover from a lifequake is 4 years--which means half of people take longer, and I think this is more complicated and a constantly-changing situation that most, so understandable that we haven't adjusted to it yet. I've come a long ways in accepting that this really is part of who my kids are and what my family is, but I don't ever want to "accept" it in the sense of being OK with it.
I changed therapists pretty early on and I like the second one a lot better. But it still feels like there's an overwhelming amount of stuff to process in an hour every other week. Still, I can talk about anything there and know it won't get any further, which is huge in itself.
My kids and I are somewhat opposite--my daughter is living at home, working, doing well overall but emotionally very private and distant. It's like she's physically here, polite, but emotionally has left the family. Her brother is in college, doing OK academically, but is really hostile to my husband and I, pretty much cut off all but essential communication, blaming me for a lot--even though we did stand by him when he was under threat of criminal prosecution. He has been in therapy and I hope he still is, he has a long way to go. They both say they are getting along pretty well with each other--he took a lot of care and anguish over his apology to her, and she was already pretty far down the path of forgiveness before she disclosed. Their therapists assigned them to do some things together in public just the two of them so that's a good sign they feel their relationship is healthier now. We also have a younger son, 14 years old, and he finally does know the basic story of what happened. He was close to both siblings for a long time but they are both absent in different ways and I think he feels a bit abandoned by them.
Therapy between my husband and I is going pretty well, we are making some much-needed progress. But family therapy is basically done, left at an awkward spot. I feel like the therapist and the whole process opened us up for surgery, which was needed, but then had to quit halfway through the surgery and didn't even close the wound, just left us open and messed up and bleeding. With both older kids being adults, we can't keep going unless they voluntarily participate--and of course we wouldn't get very far if they didn't want to even if they were still minors. There was a window of time when it seemed they were open to it but with all the delays and then Covid and them growing up and away all the while, that window of opportunity has closed and I don't know if or when it will ever open.
I've come a long way in getting past the shock and a lot of anger at the system, not as deeply depressed as I was for awhile, I guess because things are at just a low plateau, nothing really changing. But I'm still carrying around such a weight, an ache, of sadness. It's not a sword in my heart anymore but more of a chronic pain. Reading the posts of the new people here does remind me of how far I've come in 2 years--but I'm nowhere near where I would like to be.
I'd be interested to hear more of your story, how things have unfolded for you, and where you are now. It sounds like you haven't had much help in healing?
I forgot to mention about 3 years ago I was having a really hard time with the abuse and my children having issues and they didn't;t know where it came from. So my therapist at the time recommended we tell the kids. Everything has gone downhill since then...
I do not know what to do. Being kicked out of the family has basically made my daughter go mad. But letting her back in to the family is not good for my son, who outwardly shows signs of distress, but my youngest daughter is being affected as well she just doesn't express herself.
My husband, her step dad is helping her get her life together, enrolled in college, get her a house and a car etc.
Has anyone else had a similar situation. I don't know what the right thing is.