Joiningtoday, I'm really glad you're here. This forum saved my sanity, just knowing that everything I was feeling -- which you are now, I'm so sorry, feeling, too -- was NORMAL and VALID.

No one's instincts are strong enough to detect the unthinkable. Period. So your guilt is unwarranted, but NORMAL. It's one of the emotions that continue to cycle through my mind from time to time, even eight years after my (grown) daughter disclosed. It has lost a lot of strength over the years, but I've learned to accept that it will pop up and bedevil me for a moment or two, and then pass, as I recall that everything that happened was the abuser's fault.

Which leads me to the rage. That is an appropriate response to an invasion, to a total upheaval in your world. Rage is a gift that will help you move forward. You will learn how to channel it in helpful ways -- by supporting others here, for example, which I noticed you've already begun to do.

You have done the heaviest lifting already: you believed your daughter. Everything else is fallout. And you didn't say the wrong thing to your daughter -- that's the way we talk about consent in adult relationships, and the language was probably the handiest way to bolster your daughter during a moment of intense shock and pain. It is never too late to tell her that consent did not make her complicit -- she will be feeling guilty, too, for having "done" something (actually, quite the opposite) that upset you. The claim that "she led me on" is the oldest form of self-defense among rapists the world over. Your nephew is probably too young for adult definitions to apply to him either, but he needs intensive help now, as well, before he draws the conclusion that there are no consequences for big mistakes.

Your next step is to find a therapist for your daughter. That's the opposite of if you "keep bringing it up." Instead, you can tell your daughter that it's normal for her to have new feelings and thoughts about what happened, and that some people have learned how to help children sort through these feelings and thoughts. You can say that you're feeling a lot of what she is, and that you're looking for your own listener/sorter, because it's such a good idea to get help when we're trying to figure out confusing things.

Have you reported this to the police? That can help force the matter of whether or not your nephew gets help. It will also help his parents see the seriousness of the matter, in case they are dismissing this as "boys will be boys."

Thank you Naieve1.2, I just cried for half an hour during a walk in the woods. Grateful I wasn’t on the subway or someplace with tons of people, or even one.

You know what? it might be better if more of us cried in the open about this widely prevalent injustice. Then people might realize how common it is, that it could happen to anyone, and they might appreciate how deeply painful it is. Instead, as to myself, I shut people out, faked my calm and carried on, so most people didn't know. But actually, it's private information about our innocent children; we don't want them to be seen as pitiful or somehow tainted, so your way, of getting out into nature and letting it fly, was far healthier for you and your daughter. Nature is always the answer. We see that life goes on. Even among the fallen leaves, nutrients are seeping into the soil, setting the stage for new growth.

I'm so so sorry you had to come here but it's good you found us quickly.

If you want to text or talk to someone in real time who has expertise but can keep this all confidential, there are counselors 24/7 at rainn.org--rape, abuse, incest national network. This is such a traumatic and unreal time for you--yet you have a lot of decisions to make that will have a big effect on everyone--and there's no place you can go that will tell you, "This is what you do now" because there are so many factors that you can't possibly know about. The counselors at rainn.org have a lot of expertise and in my experience they were very supportive and calming and kind.

Another place with so much good information is mosac.net

You are doing great for your daughter so far. This isn't fair to either one of you but you are doing what you can and that will make a difference.

Thank you for replying. Each of you. Those that know are upset too, but they didn’t hear my kid say those words, make those motions, repeat the actions and tear up from the hurt. No, they heard it from me. I see her happy little smiling face today and inside I am shredded, I am going to make her dinner now. We will laugh, I will find a way to make her laugh, then I will go away and cry a bit more. Repeat until bedtime.

Oh, I remember those days. Stop crying, wipe my face, keep it together long enough to make supper and eat with the kids, then close the door and cry some more...it was a long time til I made it a whole day without crying.
It's not so bad now.

Me, too! My daughter disclosed when she was 23. I was in grad school, student teaching elementary kids the age my daughter was when she was raped. It was agonizing to see such cheerful little smiles and wonder -- were they safe? And, knowing that most of them probably were safe, to envy their parents. Isn't that awful??? I was all facade, until I'd get in my car where I could scream and sob on the way home.....

Wow Naieve1.2, wow brknhrt. It’s the worst. I tried today. Did ok so far but more hours to go until bedtime. Talked to a friend and I didn’t tell her, I wanted to but I didn’t think she’d keep it to herself. That was hard. I didn’t share w my elderly mom, I’d just make her worry. And it hard to fake it. How did you do it? I didn’t share w my sisters or brother, they have problems too. I looked for a therapist in my area today. It’s not easy doing that sh/t either. How’d you do it? My kid used up a box of tissues last night bc she says she feels invisible at school. She hates that we moved to a new state and she is in a new school. She was remote only for over a year bc of Covid, she says she’s lost her mojo. Now I’m gonna stop text this post and go interact with her so she doesn’t feel invisible at home. I only have one child, I can’t imagine more, and the strength it must take you all, congrats for giving me hope.

How are you doing today (whenever you read this}? I can relate so much to putting on a facade (I know someone who calls it her "screen saver face") and how it feels so unreal to be around people and try to act normal and not talk about it, then fall apart later. Good for you for looking for a therapist. It might take awhile but at least it will be someone you can talk to who you know will keep it confidential. I hope eventually you'll find someone you trust to open up to, but like you said, it's hard to know who to choose. It took me many months to be ready to tell my best friends, even though I knew they would be trustworthy.

brknhrt, maybe it's really a screen face-saver?

joiningtoday, I didn't tell me mom about my daughter's disclosure (nor about her addiction) for three full years afterwards, We lived far away, she was in her 80s, and I thought it would kill her to know. It was another source of mourning for me -- not being able to talk with my mom about my pain felt as if I had actually lost my mom. When I was finally able to visit her by myself and talk with her about everything, she said something to the effect of, "Never do that again! I'm tough! I can take it! You're my daughter.!" That was seven years ago, and she's nearing 100! I hope you will find an opportunity to share this sad news with your mom. Sometimes, instead of falling apart at a loved one's bad news, we rally to support them. You know your mom best. I just wanted to be sure you knew that your daughter's truth is not guaranteed to harm her grandmother.

BTW, did you see the surgeon general's statement today about the effects of COVID stress on kids' mental health? It's really tough for most of the kids I know, and surely underlies your daughter's own sense of alone-ness. It might help her to know that her classmates are probably going through a tough time, too. Maybe that's one reason she feels invisible -- because everyone is struggling in some way and not reaching out as much. It sucks deeply. Moving sucks as well. She is lucky to have you -- sensitive, devoted you -- for a mom.

Oh! Also, you could ask your daughter if it would be all right if you spoke to the guidance counselor or school psychologist/social worker ONLY to let them know that she feels invisible. They can offer her support and a safe place to "check in" at school. At the same time, they can help her teacher(s) identify solid, supportive classmates with whom she could be grouped for projects, reading groups, etc. Social engineering can be a good thing.

Hi, checking in, I hope you all are in the bathroom now like me taking a breather, which is funny—in the bathroom for a breath of air.
Naive1.2 and brknhrt, xoxoxoxo.
I did reach out to a school counselor. She did what she could for now, and didn’t mention that I called either. So that’s a plus. My kid apparently is easily embarrassed. Didn’t know that. Can’t get a in-person appt til January for a pediatrician. Maybe they’ll get me in to see a therapist bc the ones I’ve called aren’t taking new patients. So will keep on looking. In laws are visiting for the weekend. They know. The boy is getting therapy I’m told.
I might tell my mom, and you’re right, or ur mom is, that she could take it. But can I take what she has to say in return, idk. Meanwhile back to my “resting bitch face”, I don’t have screen saver face lol
I really hope you all are having a good moment xoxox

First, on the telling your mom front...I waited a few months to tell my mom. I waited til I could tell her in person, and also waited til her blood pressure was under control, it was scary high for a bit and I also was worried extra stress would literally kill her. When I first told her I minimized it--and it seemed like we had things under control at that point--but I got it out. One of the crisis counselors pointed out to me that I wanted to know what was going on with my daughter even if it hurt--so why would my own mother be any different?

Another place you could reach out for counseling for your daughter is a child advocacy center. You would have to report the sexual contact from her cousin to them to get the services, just so you know. They would then be required to report to authorities. You could ask them whether your daughter is legally required to tell her story to authorities, if she doesn't want to (if she does want to, no problem). Even if they don't pursue a criminal case she would still be eligible for services. You can always call a Child Advocacy Center anonymously first and ask questions if you're not sure. They would have access to counseling that's more targeted toward kids that have been through things like this--although that wouldn't have to be the only thing they address. Pretty much every kid out there has some effect from Covid now (I know my teen son does). Here's a link to find your local CAC: https://www.nationalcac.org/find-a-cac/

Thank you brknhrt, it’s been a struggle to find therapy. The waitlist and no call backs is nuts. I will def use your suggestions.
I hope your holidays weeks will be enjoyable all things considered.
I will tell my mom when I see her, it would be better than over the phone. Yes, you said the truth, I am grateful truly. She won’t get healthier, and I forget she is stronger than her crooked, elderly body. I needed that reminder too.
You have made a significant difference by sharing and reply with sincere words. Didn’t mean to get soppy. Lol

It's a second-place option, but most therapists also do telehealth these days, and many are allowed to practice across state lines, so you could look for and meet with any trauma therapist in the US. Use the search tool at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us. Type in the name of your state (to start with), and a list will pop up. Filters are above the list -- type of therapy, age of client, etc. I hope this gives you something new to go on.