Your post was brief - and I am so sorry you are going through this but there are a couple of questions. Has your brother been reported/arrested? Does he still see your 11 year old? I am going to take a second and be blunt - "I didn't believe her" is a powerful statement, and while you feel you did nothing wrong - not believing someone who has been abused is a huge problem and can do immense damage to someone who has been so brave to tell something that is hurting them so much. Not having more information there isn't much more that I can offer. The abuse needs to be reported to authorities, your 11 year old daughter needs to go in and have a forensic interview where someone trained to ask questions will try to obtain some information about what happened. Your brother needs to be reported so that he can't do this to anyone else. As hard as it is to accept that someone you love so much would do something so awful - it happens, everyday. You not believing your daughter likely has done more damage than you understand - and it may take some time for you to repair the damage that was done. As long as you do everything you can to protect your remaining daughter (removing her from access to your brother - reporting him and protecting your daughter), you should be fine - BUT not reporting him is equal to not protecting her - and in my state not reporting is a punishable crime for all residents, and not reporting can cause her to be taken away from you because you knew about it but didn't report it. I know this is a lot of information, and maybe not what you want to hear - and not knowing any more than what you have posted above there aren't many people here who can offer much more advice. Going through this is hell, losing family is hell, knowing our children were abused is hell - but it does get better and life goes on.

Yes my brother has been reported. Both girls have done a safe house interview. My older daughter does not know that I initially did not believe her. She has been with her dad for 6 months now and I won't get to see her for a least 6 more. I have had no contact with my brother since his confession. I hate him for what he did and feel betrayed, hurt, and like I have lost all the family I have. I'm sorry my post was short. I wasn't sure what to say.

So I am confused, why was your ex granted custody? I think on some level your daughter might know you did not believe her. And why do you not have visitation? Your younger has yet to disclose? But she had an interview? I'm sorry but I am very confused.I think you need to talk to your oldest and tell her over and over it is not her fault,you believe her and perhaps be proactive with your younger one and tell her the same.

And I apologize if I sounded accusatory - just wanted to make sure that all bases were covered. I think time may heal things with your daughter - are you and your x-husband on good terms? He would also be key to helping you regain that relationship as in the end you both need to figure out what is best for your children. As long as you are keeping your 11 year old safe there shouldn't be any reason that she should be taken away. Is it a court mandate that you not see her, or a request from your daughter? Was there something that indicated that you didn't keep her safe? I am sorry that you are going through this and every situation is different. There is one member who does not have custody of her children but her x who is the abuser was granted custody - the reality is that it is a sick world that we live in and unfortunately justice isn't always served. You did everything you can do - I would encourage you to get the 11 year old some counseling - but that doesn't always help either. Hang in there - the important thing is that both of your daughters are safe now. I would encourage you to continue educating on body safety - I like the information that www.themamambeareffect.org has on educating your children. She needs to know that if something happens that she can feel safe to tell you - because the reality is we can't be with our children every second. I am very thankful that my daughter had the courage to disclose (while we were discussing body safety) and I was able to help and protect her. It happened with my nephew - and I no longer have a relationship with my sister, so I understand the devastation that happens.

My oldest daughter does not want anything to do with me. I think she accuses me of not keeping her safe. I have told her several times that I did not know it was happening. When the girls first said they did not feel safe with me my ex found every excuse in the book and threw it at me. He accused me of physical, and sexual abuse, and neglect. All of which was unfounded by CYFD. But my ex has over exaggerated all these things to my children. The only person I discussed my questions regarding the authenticity of my daughters allegation was the detective on the case. He was also the first person I called after my brother reported it to me. All of my children have been in counseling for 4 months now. They started before it came out what had happened. They are seeing a male therapist who has no background in child sexual abuse. My ex will not allow me to change to a female counselor. Our relationship at this point is confrontational at best. I have tried to discuss with my younger daughter she just is not ready yet. I tell her constantly that I love her. Actually I tell them both. I text the older one every night. I just don't understand how the legal system can do this when I was not at fault of anything.

I don't get it either but after being on this site I have to say I have heard some things that are unbelievable.You need a good lawyer. Do both girls go to counseling together? You have custody of the younger girl,right.Different dad?

Just switched lawyers. Hopefully this one will be better. Same dad for all 3 kids. I have a son too. I have custody of younger daughter and son. They all do individual counseling and sometimes the younger daughter and my son are seen together. The older daughter is seen individually always.

So how can they take one and not all.You must be fit in their eyes ore they would have taken all 3.good move changing lawyers

@bonnieboo - I don't think they were taken away by the authorities - but by the request of her x-husband and her daughter. I think at a certain age the courts take the desire of the child into consideration. I think there is a lot of mending that will have to be done that have nothing to do with the legal system and more to do with the personal relationships. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that things get better, and hopefully you and your x husband can mend things and band together for the sake of the children and what is best for them.

That is rediculous,listening to a 13 year old on who to live with. and to not have visitation rights? My God what is wrong with this world

The courts in my state start listening to a child when they are 14 but will not necessarily do as they request. At the age of 16 the courts listen and heavily weight what the child wants. My lawyer says they usually do not split up the children but in my case they did. My ex is running for father of the year. Finally spending time with them, letting them eat ice cream for breakfast, taking them to hotels to go swimming, etc. thanks to lawyers I don't have the money to do anything but the park. The ex has 2 homes. He has one in the state I live in but lives and works in Alaska. This is where my daughter will be. I can't even go see her.

Hi, Sweetie2601, It's late, and I haven't had a chance to read your posts above yet, but I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I'm thinking of you.

Hi
I am that mom who had her kids taken away and sent to their abuser - or at lest one of them.
I must admit, I find your responses highly atypical.
Most mothers on here grieve and grieve and grieve some more and self blame all over the place - for having not known and for thinking we should have.
I actually grieved and felt bad I was never abused because it is a difficult interaction for me to wrap my brain around and I felt really bad that I didn't have any experience to understand my children's emotions / perspective as much as I cared to.
For as long as you have this mindset that you did nothing wrong, your girls are not going to be pleased about their mother.
I understand the pain of losing your children and I wouldn't wish it on most.
Counseling would benefit you to attain further understanding of your misguided frame of reference.

You will come to find - children of abuse do blame the non protective parent. Parents are supposed to be omniscient in a child's mind. We plant into our children's minds "moms watching! So don't get in trouble". To children, we have super powers that allow is to parent n give them the feeling they can't get away w anything - or mom will find out. Well...someone did get away with something and you were supposed to find out... So basically you have to apologize for - not knowing when you should have.
Second biggest mistake a parent can make - not believing. The SINGLE MOST predictor of a child's ability to recover from this trauma is IF the mother believed. Not only did you not believe, it was the most foolish thing ever to convince yourself "well he just got my oldest, no way he would do that to any of my other children".

I suspect though, part of why you didn't believe was because it was inconvenient for you at the time. There was something that you wanted to have your way and this was putting a wrench in the system - maybe your love for your brother? But part of me thinks you didn't believe because you weren't ready to. Being a parent is NOT a contract for happiness. It is a committment. It's quite possible that another mistake was disbelieving because you made the mistake of putting your needs first. You can deny it if you feel the need to, but if you're truly looking for guidance and how to repair your relationship with your daughters, then you're going to need to do a lot of soul searching and self discovery. Sometimes bad things happen to us to make us a better person. I have learned so much. I have also learned to tell my friends exactly what I see because not doing so denies you the opportunity to consider it at all.

So basically, you broke two of the biggest mistakes possible as a parent in a child sex abuse case and possibly a third. That is not "I did nothing wrong". Does it mean your relationship should cease, I hope not.

We're all human. We make mistakes. None of us predicted this would be our future.

But I think you need counseling... To learn some humility... Responsibility...

And that no one was wronged more than your children and in part - by you.

Once you learn these things, you will be a better person for your children

I wish you all repair and recovery

Dear Sweetie, sorry for what you and your daughters are going through. I am sure time, patience and demonstrations of absolute/unconditional love from your side will help repair the bridges between you and your daughter. I personally believe 13 is old enough to decide whom she would prefer to Iive with, at least until she decides she can trust you again (that this time you will more alert than ever regarding what happens to her). Ny son was so angry at me for not knowing that outs dear granddaddy was raping him and his brother. He was only 4 and asked me directly If I could swear I did not know and where was I when he was being abused (I was at work or at hospital, by the way…). She also needs to know that you are happy she disclosed and that you do not unconsciously blame her for the abuses taking place. Maybe your daughter feels you are still mourning for the loss of your brother rather than for her loss. You repeat your brother was your only family, in fact, you STILL do have family! It is your three angels, your children! Sorry to say this, but it seems to me that your brother did not give a s…. about you! He predated on your babies and your own blood! Of course you are not guilty about what happened, but you are the protective person here, you have to remain strong and focus on the children, more than on your own pain. This will, in turn, help you survive the nightmare you are going through. My husband was at first constantly feeling as the victim because of what of his parents did to our babies, now he understands his pain is nothing compared to the horror, the humiliation and suffering our children experienced while being attacked physically, emotionally and spiritually by their grandparents, who we loved so much. Remain strong, we are here to support you and also to learn from you, and yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel…

I was 13 when I was called into court to choose which parent to live with. My dad had moved out, and I was fine living with my mom, and I liked my house, so, like most kids in my position (statistically), I chose to stay with Mom. That's why I suspect that your daughter would have chosen to stay with you if she had felt supported. You have a long road ahead of you anyway, just because you're the parent of children who have been sexually abused -- there's no getting around the years of recovery you are all facing as a result of this -- but I agree that you must do some extra soul-searching about how much you value your children's needs vs. your own. You must take care of yourself, emotionally, but your daughters' childhood has ended abruptly -- that's it, it's done -- and they need absolutely every ounce of support you can give them now because they are feeling particularly helpless at the moment. Supporting them will be exhausting. It will be all kinds of inconvenient. There are lots of tears and anger ahead, because this is really serious. So you need to be very clear about priorities, and about the kind of mother you intend to be (hopefully a warrior for your children). In the meantime, please immerse yourself in some reading: www.mosac.net. This site has almost every bit of information you could want -- about your children's suffering, about the manipulation they've faced at the hands of the predator, and about your own needs going forward. Whatever you read on that site, you can believe it; it is very well-researched. There's tons more available. I'll bump up a list of resources, but please start with the www.mosac.net site, because it will really guide your thinking. And look for a therapist. No matter what you believed at first, this is your children's reality, and you need help adjusting to this.