Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
One of my daughter's had a melt-down tonight. Her Dad called her very late, got interruped in his call and promised to call back (we are divorced). While she was waiting she just bawled. She told me she was thinking of her Grandpa (perp.#1), and my ex (her step dad & perp. #2). She said "I am afraid I will have a horrible year at school." I haven't seen her cry that hard in awhile. She was also upset she didn't think she'd have time to talk to her Dad because it was almost bedtime at that moment anyway. I texted her Dad and said she really wanted to talk to him a bit before bed (I also suggested an earlier time to talk).
I told her that we 3 girls have gotten through a school year before together and we can do it again. I said that I was going to think positively and things will be ok. Long story short although I calmed her down and she got to talk to her Dad I feel awful. I truly lied to her because I am also afraid of this school year. I'm tired of our family being through all this. I'm afraid of her or her sister being abused like this again. I'm afraid that I won't be able to be emotionally strong enough to help both of my daughters through all this. (Yes I am seeing a counselor and so are both my daughters). I honestly don't know how we will get through this school year.
You will get through this school year and help to keep your girls safe by continuing to keep the lines of communication open, continuing to build the pattern of healthy trust among yourselves and slowly allowing other safe individuals into your lives and circle of trust. That is the best you can do. You can empower your daughters to be strong individuals by helping them to make decisions on their own, by standing back and allowing them to practice their life skills of safety and by stepping in when you see their weaknesses taking over. Your job has always been to help them learn to fly on their own. That is ANY parent's job! We just so happen to have a little more complicated fledgling that needs a bit more time to practice and a little more of mom overseeing and helping to steer them away from the hawks. ;o) You will be fine. Staying positive amidst the chaos is exactly what your girls need from you. Honesty wouldn't hurt either though...maybe share your specific concerns with them, gently, lightly touching on what you hope to see in response to them now knowing your concerns. You don't want them to be paranoid, you want them to be empowered! Practice at home with bully-like situations or someone acting uncomfortably around them and some steps they could take to feel safe.
That's what I've been doing with my kids. Practicing scenarios, real-life scenarios based on the circumstances of their abuse, and forming habitual patterns of reaction. Practicing saying "NO" and jamming a palm into someone's nose or calmly screaming "fire, fire, help, help" if someone grabs them or talking through what to do if they see something that makes them feel uncomfortable. We have regular "work-shops" like this together helping them become comfortable with this subject so it's not so scary or taboo if they ever encounter it again. Good job for continuing with therapy but I know that is only one hour a week where you feel you have real emotional support when dealing with this on a daily basis. I get it. But you're doing o.k. You will get through this school year. So will your daughters! Praise them for being vulnerable and crying around you and remind them that part of being strong women is reaching out and asking for help when they can't do it on their own. We're all here cheering you on! :o)