Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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annholly 08/04/2016

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say its been over 2 years that I have been on this site. But wanted to encourage you all who are walking through this very very dark tunnel. This site saved my insanity. I was able to cry out to wonderful people when the abuse was found out about. No one else could possibly understand except the people that have gone through this horrific ordeal with their children. I even made two lifetime friends that I keep in contact with! It's been a few years now since that horrible time. The guilt almost consumed me, I blamed myself. (how could a mom not know?) I have to say it has changed me. I don't trust people like I used to. This was a grandfather whom abused my sweet babies for many years! This was a person I thought I could trust. Your whole word turns upside down. I had to go on anti-anxiety meds, I don't know how I did my job, there are gaps in time I don't even remember. But we are getting through this. My oldest daughter is now 24. finished college and her masters degree in social work( I think statistically alot of abused woman go into this field) She has met a wonderful young man and I believe soon to be engaged! She so struggled. But while finishing her degree, she found a councelor on her own and really did a lot of therapy. The evil grandfather molested her from 5-12. My youngest I believe from toddler to 13! She is the one whom finally broke the silence. (she finished her cosmetolgy schooling and working in a great salon! There have been a lot of ups and downs and there is not a day still that goes by that it doesn't pop up in mind in some way, but I know where we have been and where we are. I have a good relationship with my girls, (they do tell me I am too involved in their life)! Relate? Right now my youngest just broke up with a boy I thought was going to be my son in law. I think I am more devastated then she is. I loved this young man.(the son i never had) So I am trying to get through this. Does it seem like there is always something? Ok I just wanted to reach out to you all and if I can help in anyway I am here to listen. Keep supporting each other, rage, yell, scream, cry. We do understand. Love and hugs to you all who are here. AH

hopefulmama 08/04/2016

Welcome back! I am relatively new,6-8 months I think. Wonderful that your daughters are doing well. I am sure many have been here since you were last here,unfortunately. I don't know how I would have gotten through these last few months without the people here. It is greast that you have decided to help and share your wisdom with us!!!!

Naive1.2 08/04/2016

I absolutely, completely, 100% agree that the support I have received from everyone here has been a sanity-saver for me, too. Even therapists I know are curious about how I could find so much comfort in a website. Given that there are NO in-person supports for parents of survivors (none that I know of), I am wholeheartedly grateful to have found so many caring, accepting, nonjudgmental, and smart people with whom to share this miserable experience. We carry each other in a way that no one else can. The feelings and the real-life considerations involved in parenting a sexually abused child are so complex, and they crop up over and over again. I have rarely been able to sit patiently with my anxieties and tears between weekly psych appointments; knowing I can get it off my chest AND be heard, by people who already GET IT, and even receive a supportive response in minutes. That really helped me hold it together -- more or less! ;D

I'm thrilled for your good news, and sorry for the breakup news. Maybe it's good news, if your daughter needs more time to get to know herself. Maybe he needs that time, as well. Maybe a new love is right around the corner. When my daughter was early in her recovery process from opioids, she met a really nice guy. I thought he would give up on her as she careened from one low to another. Two years later, she is sober, in great shape, eating right, working two jobs and starting school again, and they are talking marriage. He could see the shining star inside, thank God. There is such hope for your youngest as well!

MANY hugs, and thanks for checking back in!!!

annholly 08/04/2016

Thanks for reaching out and letting me know how you ladies are doing. If I can help in any way I'm here! I think there will always be things that pop up with our kids and we will worry til we take our last breath, but we will know that we did everything in our power to help them through this. Yeah the break up has me an emotional crazy woman, but I know this will work itself out too one way or another. Hugs and support for you all!!!!

heartsadx3 08/04/2016

Ours was a grandfather also did your daughters lose contact with grandma also if one was there? Do they have family gaps due to unsupported or has relationships with nonoffenders been renewed? Just wondering. Something I wonder about for my kids we've lost most of my side of the family.

Naive1.2 08/04/2016

By the way, annholly, about the gaps in your memory? Boy, me, too. My sisters were talking about something dramatic that had happened at our family reunion three years ago, and I kept drawing a blank. My sister told me the whole story -- I actually was right there when it happened, but I really had to work hard to pull up the memory. Graciously, my sister said, "Well, a little PTSD will cost you some memories." (She's been through a completely different nightmare of her own, so she can appreciate the feeling.) It's good that we can't remember all of this.

annholly 08/05/2016

Heartsadx3. in our situation the grandmother did not know about abuse either, while she was in her barn that was when abuse took place. Plus when i confronted the grandfather, told him he had 1 day to come clean with everyone, (which he did with his wife and with very little details) and that the police were going to be called. 2 days later he killed himself. It's prob a good thing I didnt at the time know the extent of abuse or that my other daughter was molested. Or I prob would have killed him. And i wouldnt have blinked an eye. But I guess I was protected from that too. No letter to my girls, just to bury his dog with him! So we really didnt have to deal with the estrangement of grandma. And by God's grace my girls didnt have to go thru a trial. Did the grandmother believe your child? was she supporting her husband? they are important questions. We all got in therapy right after and grandma went with us, but I believe the real healing begins when they seek the help for themselves. My girls at time were 14 and 18 when disclosed. Now 20 and 24. What are your childrens ages? girls? boys?

Naive1.2, love your screen name by the way, I could have named myself that. The big question was always why didnt I know? they didnt tell, and they didnt even tell each other(my girls). When your in a world so full of emotional pain, you wonder how you survive. your right PTSD! Never really knew what that was until abuse entered our life. Took me a long long time to stop blaming myself. And it still rears its ugly head occasionally. It changes you. Was your abuser a family member?
It still helps to talk to people who have been there. Hugs AH

hopefulmama 08/05/2016

I agree the people here are top notch. we are each others therapists.I know if I am trying to decides something that you guys will tell me if I am wrong. There is no "yes,yes,yes" advice here.I know if I am wrong about something the "crew" here will tell me.I love that!

Naive1.2 08/05/2016

An adult neighbor, who also abused his own kids (of course). I thought she enjoyed playing with the children, but looking back I'm pretty sure she was groomed by the father so that she didn't know what was going to happen.

In any case, that's why I am still blessed to have loving relationships with everyone in my family.

I tried to keep my old screen name, but couldn't get back on with the redesign, so I just added the ".2" to the old name. It's kind of appropriate, because I feel like I am a more evolved system, too, three+ years after disclosure, and all the healing that's happened, thank you, God.

I know your story, but can't remember your old screen name. Was it annholly before the new webpage design?

annholly 08/05/2016

yes, Naive old screen name was annholly. I met a dear woman on here that i still keep in contact with and our stories were so similar it was scary. Yeah I have not been on here for about 2 years. I was on here everynight, allnight when first happened, this site and these people are only ones that could help, it was like my lifeline!!! Yes thank God the healing has happened. Did you ever think? I know at time I didnt think I would ever smile again!

lusks1 08/05/2016

We are also "on the other side" of a grandfather's abuse. He is in prison. We still deal with the scars and triggers but we are all in a better place now. I 100% believe my mother in law knew about it. I firmly believe our bodies and our minds do things to protect us. She is in a nursing home with dementia that popped up at the beginning of all of this. Lucky for her, she doesn't remember anything and has been untouched by it all. I know I sound evil.

This group of soulmates has helped me through hell, and you all still do.

annholly 08/05/2016

lusks1, You don't sound evil at all. You should have heard all the names I called him. I went to his house after he died and I kicked the living shit out of his chair and called him every name in the book. If anyone saw me they would have locked me up!!! He knew he would be in prison, so he took the cowardly way out!!! I was angry with my mil for awhile, because she eats breaths and poops horses, so she is kind of is in her own world but she was there every step for the girls and they love her, so I had to let it be. She is a pull up your britches kind of woman and you just put it behind you, no grieving, me I'm the fall apart at the seams kind of person and grieve to the point of exhaustion. Last year her house burnt down(where the abuse occurred) she accidently started it. even through the horror of that(beloved pets died) I felt that evil doesnt live there anymore! Sound crazy? Im so glad we all found this site as a way of healing. I have sent people here for other issues, but I have to tell you this group just holds tight to each other.

heartsadx3 08/05/2016

No my mother doesn't believe or support my children. My daughter was 2 when it happened and no prosecution because she was unable to give a statement of what happened to police and still to this day doesn't talk about it. She is 5 now and her two older brothers are 8 and 7. Most of the family has decided that it didn't matter and still have the family intact with step dad. I have had no contact for several years although my mom wished me happy birthday thru email. I haven't responded. Overall I am sad about it but accept it. I worry more for my kids as they get older if they question my decision or want contact with grandma. Someone that was an important part of their lives until discovery. Mostly though I am so thankful we caught it when we did.

lusks1 08/05/2016

"so thankful we caught it when we did" sums it all up doesn't it? Whether the abuse was 1 time or went on for years, had we not learned of it when we did, things would be so much worse. I know we all feel some sort of guilt. How could we not know this was happening to our children? That is a hard row to ho but we all know we did our very best. And I always tell myself, that when I did find out, it stopped IMMEDIATELY. We did not fail our children. The abuser did.

Families have been lost, in death, prison, by choice, etc, but our children are safe. And healing. For that I am so very thankful.

lusks1 08/05/2016

I love you all and I thank you.

Naive1.2 08/05/2016

Love back atcha!

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