Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
So I found this group while looking for information on how to write an impact statement from a Mother's view point. This statement is for the sentencing hearing for the "Monster" that sexually abused my son 15 years ago. I'm glad I found this group I hope it will help me cope with the feelings I have from what I’ve learned over the last year and a half. I've never been a part of a group for anything and i'm not used to sharing my feelings or my life. But I'm going to give a try adn see if it helps..
Here's my story:
I have 2 son's that are now 26 and 22, they are my world... In Oct of 2017 by oldest son (we'll call him ADB) asked my husband and I over to talk. He said there was something really important he needed to talk to us about. This request had put me on alert to something serious must be happening, as this would not normally occur with him. Up to this point in time ADB’s and my relationship felt okay but maybe we weren’t as close as I wanted to be. The strain on our relationship had started when he was around 10-12 years old.
So back to the dinner we were invited to. At work the day of the dinner I stressed about what the conversation could be about. I had things going through my head from he was calling off his engagement with his girlfriend, to his girlfriend was pregnant and went as far as he was going to tell me he was gay. Any of those scenarios would have been preferred to what we were told. As soon as we walked in you could tell he was anxious about what he had to say. So we sat down right away and the nightmare my son had endured when he was between the ages of 10-12 were revealed to me.
ADB started out by demanding that we PROMISE to not do anything to jeopardize what he was getting ready to tell us. Of course the tears started immediately for me. My husband and I agreed we would do whatever he needed. I then learned that ADB had been working with our local police department to apprehend the MONSTER that had been in our lives all those years ago and they had a solid case against him. The police were going to be arresting the Monster the next weekend when he flew into town from another state to help with a youth group at our county fair. He said the only reason he was telling us was because the detective told him it might hit the news and we should probably learn this before we saw it on TV. You see the Monster was heavily involved in working with youth and a common youth group known as 4H. So it possibly hitting the news was probable and is the only reason I found out.
This revelation practically broke me. I remember telling ADB how proud I was of him for having the courage to come forward to the police on this. To having the courage to do this without our support. But then in my mind I felt like what support could I have given him. I’m the reason he was around the Monster to begin with. I tried to be as encouraging as I could be and not make it about the heartbreak and guilt that instantly filled my mind and heart. I also learned that what spurred him to come forward was the Facebook picture he had seen on through my account. That was because I was friends with that Monster on Facebook, I was oblivious to what he had done. ADB saw a picture I had liked on Facebook with the Monster and 2 small children traveling together. That’s why ADB decided to come forward. He did NOT want this to happen to another child because the Monster was still free.
At the time of the “Talk” I also learned that pretty much my whole family and some family friends had known about this for years (but not during the abuse). That broke my heart even more, I felt like he had such a lack of trust or faith in me that he wouldn’t even tell me. I would move heaven and earth for my boys, so now I felt worthless and responsible for what happened to him, because I didn’t protect him. I made him join the 4H group, I wanted him to learn how to take care of animals (Pygmy Goats). I had been in that same group growing up and had such a great experience that I wanted my boys to have that same experience. So when he would tell me he didn’t feel like going to a goat show or a 4H meeting I thought it was a young boy not wanting to take care of his responsibilities. Not a young boy who didn’t want to see the face of the Monster who had tormented him. Because the Monster would tell him that if he told anyone of the abuse he would come after ADB at night through the bedroom window or even harm his brother.
Here’s where another emotional struggle comes in for me. My Brother and his partner knew, my Mom knew, our youngest son knew and some family friends my boys used to spend time with knew. Even friends that ADB had only meet a few years prior knew. But my husband and I were left in the dark. The biggest betrayal I felt was from my Mom. She and I were so close and I couldn’t believe she would keep this information from me. ADB told us that he demanded that NO ONE tell us about the events that were unfolding and that crushes me. Honestly I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to move past the fracture between my mom and I. I would do anything for her she was my role model. She was the inspiration of what a mother should be. There was nothing I wanted more for me and boys than to have the closeness my Mom and I had. But the Monster from our past destroyed that chance.
ADB told me I was under no circumstance allowed to hold this against my brother or my mother. That he hadn’t given them a choice. I get in my brain why my mom didn’t say anything but my heart will never understand. If she were to have told me about it, it would have betrayed the trust ADB had given her. But by not telling me it betrayed the trust I had in her. She’s a mother as well she would have wanted to know if this had happened to my brother or I. The next few days are a bit of a blur, I literally cried non-stop for two days. Guilt was so heavy in my heart that I didn’t think I could go on anymore. What kind of mother could I be if this happened to my son? How blind could I have been? How could I have trusted a Monster to be around my son?
I worked with the Monster and one of his family members at a local grocery store. I had hired him and I’d known him for several months before we talked about his activity with 4H. The Monster worked with me for a while even coming to special work events with me to help us set up and decorate. All while joking around and having fun, acting like he hadn’t be molesting my son during this time. What kind of evil does that? My husband and I would even pick up the Monster and give him rides to events out of town when he didn’t have transportation. I trusted this person to have my son’s best interest at heart when I wasn’t around. It really is a damaging betrayal when a person you trusted sexually abuses your CHILD. Trust is not something I will ever offer again to anyone, especially when there’s a child involved.
Since the time of my learning of this abuse I’ve decided I don’t want to have grandchildren ever. I don’t ever want another child exposed to that kind of evil. I’m afraid for every child and what they could be exposed to. My family has be changed forever. ADB is a survivor with a warrior spirit being able to bring down this Monster on his own.
The effects in a sexual abuse case are not limited to the immediate victim. Because of these events ADB and my relationship is drastically different. I’m afraid to say anything to him because I’m afraid he will shut me out again. The family that I once felt was a lifeline for me is now just a part of my existence. I feel like an outsider at any family gathering I’ve been to since learning of the Monster. Solitude is all I want now, I get anxiety attacks when around my family because of the secrets the MONSTER created for them to keep. My mind is constantly reeling with “what are they not telling me now.” There is constant dwelling on how I did raising ADB, were the arguments we had as he entered Junior High and High School because he was a typical teenager then. Or was this from him lashing out at us for not protecting him the way we should have. I just want my son back, I want my son to come over for dinner, watch football games with us. Just to have a relationship with us. But at that same time I struggle with the need to distance myself from him so I can’t do anything to hurt him again. It’s been a year and six months since I found out the horrors that happened to my son and the crying hasn’t stopped. They self-loathing hasn’t stopped, the feeling of just driving away to never be found won’t go away. The feeling that he doesn’t need me so why do I need to be here hasn’t stopped. The jealousy of the relationship my Mom, Brother and some cousins have with my son hasn’t stopped. The Monster took all that away from me… From my family!!!
I have since learned that the Monster was a victim of abuse as well and that he may not have known any better, is what we were told. But I disagree, a person with any type of agenda doesn’t threaten another person if what they are doing is the right thing. The Monster was preying on a CHILD and he knew that was wrong, as well as continued for year’s later working with young children in a leadership position. He took from my son the home that should have been a safe place for him by abusing him in front of it. Who knows the number of victims he has affected or could affect in the future? On top of this he was willing to try to reconnect with my son. Clearly there was no remorse for his actions years prior.
I’m thankful that ADB has finally received justice for the crimes that were committed against him. But our family will be dealing with the evil acts that happened to ADB for the rest of our lives. We will be trying to heal the wedge that was driven into our family. And the Monsters only punishment will be 7-10 years and hopefully and eternity in HELL.
When my son disclosed 3 years after the abuse ended when he was about to head off to college a few months before he turned 19, he first disclosed to my husband and told him that he was not to tell me. My husband respected his wishes, and when there came a time a few months later that someone from the offender's family may call and ask questions of me, he then told my husband to tell me what happened to him. I didn't get upset with my son for keeping this from me because I knew 2 things were very important to him. 1) I am an advocate and a doer, and he didn't want me stepping in doing my things to handle the situation before he had a chance to figure out how he wanted or needed to handle things, and 2) he had been in a situation for a long time where he had no control and I had to let him have control over this because it was his situation to direct, not mine.
In your narrative you mentioned that you had a friendly relationship with the offender. I'm guessing that for your son there was a possibility that you may not believe him if he told you, or that by telling you he'd put you in an awkward situation with the offender, or that he just didn't know how things would progress if he told you and that was not something he could deal with. Telling you may just have been too overwhelming for him in his mind because he was trying to handle a very difficult and emotional situation and it was just too risky for him. Try and look at it as a protective tactic he needed to do for himself and not something against you. There's a very different dynamic that exists between an older child and his parents than there is between the adult child and other family members. I can understand why he felt it more safe to disclose to them and not his parents, and that's something that you can explore with a counselor, and maybe even eventually with your son, but not until you have come to heal somewhat and are in a better place with all of this. He needs to heal as well, and as much as we want to be there and help our adult kids, they are adults and have to do this for themselves. They have to have the control over it, and the success in it on their own so they can claim it and know they were able to defeat their offender.
Please try and rest assured that we all here would have done differently if we knew then what we know now, but that is just not possible. We didn't have any reason to think that anything remotely similar to what was happening was actually going on. What your son may need to hear from you, just for his own healing, is that you are so sorry that it happened and if you had any idea it was happening, you would have ended it and called the police immediately. You said the right thing by saying you were proud of him for notifying police and doing all this on his own. I agree, it was very brave and a great step in taking control over his offender.
All the feelings you're having, while painful and heart-wrenching, are to be expected, and many of us here can say we felt and thought the same things. I am 9 1/2 yrs post disclosure and still trust very few people, and have just a few close friends. This is a safe place to come and talk about what you are going thru, while your son is dealing with his own needs. I hope this is helpful, and I hope you can get on a healing path soon. Here's a link about writing a VIS: https://victimsupportservices.org/help-for-victims/victim-impact-statements/ .
WHY did she not come forward??? Why did she not come to us for help, even all those years after we had moved hundreds of miles away from that Nazi??? Because she was still so terrified of him that she had become addicted to opioids. And because, as an adult aware of the effects of depression, she was afraid the knowledge itself actually would kill us. And she was right -- the pain was so intense that for the next five years, every night when I went to bed I hoped I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I just wanted to die. But I couldn't kill myself, because that would only devastate my daughter further.
It's QUITE possible that your son so desperately needed to share his truth with loved ones, but so desperately feared your reaction (as well as the abuser's threats) that he was doing his best to protect you. In his heart, he knew and knows that what happened was not your fault. At his age, he is likely still unable to fully process that it was not even HIS fault, let alone be able to fully assign full blame only to the perpetrator. He could also be genuinely angry with you, that's also possible. But your reaction is key. I'll write more about that on Saturday or Sunday when I'm next able to make time to visit this space.
HUGS to you. You may feel left out, but you are MOST DEFINITELY NOT alone.
Here’s a question for you. Is it better to know, or not to know? Is that even the point? Either way has the potential to become a waking nightmare (we learned of our daughter’s addiction a year before she disclosed the abuse; you have struggled with a strained relationship with your son for years). Or does knowing simply allow you to address a situation directly and with clarity?
To get clarity, YOU need to address this with a therapist of your own. Someone who can help you understand how the abuse shaped your relationship, your undeserved guilt, your sense of alienation from your entire family, and your reaction to disclosure.
Giving your son space may have confirmed your son’s worst fear: that he was in fact unlovable (who knows what that monster made him believe?). His gradual disclosure to other family members may have been his experimental way of finding acceptance in spite of his desire not to disclose to you.
The great news is that you don’t need to wait until you’ve completed therapy to start rebuilding your relationship with your son. You can meet with him to tell him that you have always regretted the strain between you, and that you’re working hard in therapy to understand the way the abuse shaped YOUR reaction and YOUR way relating with him. It’s all you can control, AND it’s the best way to say “I love you, and I’m going to take care of myself so I can be more available to you.”
I want to make clear that your strained relationship was not your fault — your little boy was essentially stolen out from under you and replaced by a child whose brain was deeply wounded, and whose behaviors were suddenly unpredictable and unresolvable because you were missing the key to knowing how to help. You would have been just as horrified and devastated had you known when he was ten, but you could have steered him toward recovery right away. I agree with the others that your son withheld the truth from you to prevent the horror and devastation you now feel. He likely got the rest of the family to agree to protect you.
There’s a LOT of love still there for you both to rediscover!!!
How is your son doing now? Did he get any therapy? He sounds like he must be a very strong man. I know it's hard now, but try to give yourself credit for what you did right by raising a son who had the integrity and courage to go through with bringing this guy to the attention of authorities with such a clear head, after all he had been through. It sounds like your depression is talking to you and telling you the worst about yourself and not letting you see any of what you did right. We have all been there. If you find a good therapist that could help you move toward recovering.
My son is doing amazing now. Although sometimes I worry that he may still struggle but doesn't want to show it. I know he doesn't want to let the Monster have any hold on him now. However I think some of that comes from my own insecurities. Although I was hurt by him going to my brother by with this. I am so thankful that I do have an amazing brother. He has been a huge support to my son through all of this. My son didn't want any red flags to come up to me when he talked to the family. So for about the last 2+ years my brother has been paying for his therapy outside of insurance and helping him find the best suited therapist for him. He really is a Guardian Angel. My son says he feels vindicated that his tormentor will pay for the abuse he inflicted. He said he's glad he doesn't have to worry about proving anything anymore. As in most cases or so I've read the Monster took a plea deal so the fact my son doesn't have to testify is a great relief for him as well.
As I read the stories you've all shared it breaks my heart that there are so many sick and evil people out there. I'm thankful to everyone for sharing and helping me to see that even though it's a long road to healing and there will be struggles and heartbreak along the way. There is hoping for a better relationship with my son and healing in my heart.
I'm a CSA survivor myself so I get it, sort of, but it was wrong of him to put them in that position