So I found this group while looking for information on how to write an impact statement from a Mother's view point.  This statement is for the sentencing hearing for the "Monster" that sexually abused my son 15 years ago.  I'm glad I found this group I hope it will help me cope with the feelings I have from what I’ve learned over the last year and a half.  I've never been a part of a group for anything and i'm not used to sharing my feelings or my life.  But I'm going to give a try adn see if it helps..

Here's my story:

I have 2 son's that are now 26 and 22, they are my world... In Oct of 2017 by oldest son (we'll call him ADB) asked my husband and I over to talk.  He said there was something really important he needed to talk to us about.  This request had put me on alert to something serious must be happening, as this would not normally occur with him.  Up to this point in time ADB’s and my relationship felt okay but maybe we weren’t as close as I wanted to be.  The strain on our relationship had started when he was around 10-12 years old. 

So back to the dinner we were invited to.  At work the day of the dinner I stressed about what the conversation could be about.  I had things going through my head from he was calling off his engagement with his girlfriend, to his girlfriend was pregnant and went as far as he was going to tell me he was gay. Any of those scenarios would have been preferred to what we were told.  As soon as we walked in you could tell he was anxious about what he had to say. So we sat down right away and the nightmare my son had endured when he was between the ages of 10-12 were revealed to me. 

ADB started out by demanding that we PROMISE to not do anything to jeopardize what he was getting ready to tell us.  Of course the tears started immediately for me.   My husband and I agreed we would do whatever he needed.  I then learned that ADB had been working with our local police department to apprehend the MONSTER that had been in our lives all those years ago and they had a solid case against him.  The police were going to be arresting the Monster the next weekend when he flew into town from another state to help with a youth group at our county fair.  He said the only reason he was telling us was because the detective told him it might hit the news and we should probably learn this before we saw it on TV.  You see the Monster was heavily involved in working with youth and a common youth group known as 4H.  So it possibly hitting the news was probable and is the only reason I found out. 

This revelation practically broke me.  I remember telling ADB how proud I was of him for having the courage to come forward to the police on this.  To having the courage to do this without our support.  But then in my mind I felt like what support could I have given him. I’m the reason he was around the Monster to begin with. I tried to be as encouraging as I could be and not make it about the heartbreak and guilt that instantly filled my mind and heart.  I also learned that what spurred him to come forward was the Facebook picture he had seen on through my account.  That was because I was friends with that Monster on Facebook, I was oblivious to what he had done.  ADB saw a picture I had liked on Facebook with the Monster and 2 small children traveling together.  That’s why ADB decided to come forward. He did NOT want this to happen to another child because the Monster was still free.

At the time of the “Talk” I also learned that pretty much my whole family and some family friends had known about this for years (but not during the abuse).  That broke my heart even more, I felt like he had such a lack of trust or faith in me that he wouldn’t even tell me.  I would move heaven and earth for my boys, so now I felt worthless and responsible for what happened to him, because I didn’t protect him.  I made him join the 4H group, I wanted him to learn how to take care of animals (Pygmy Goats).  I had been in that same group growing up and had such a great experience that I wanted my boys to have that same experience.  So when he would tell me he didn’t feel like going to a goat show or a 4H meeting I thought it was a young boy not wanting to take care of his responsibilities.  Not a young boy who didn’t want to see the face of the Monster who had tormented him.  Because the Monster would tell him that if he told anyone of the abuse he would come after ADB at night through the bedroom window or even harm his brother.

Here’s where another emotional struggle comes in for me.  My Brother and his partner knew, my Mom knew, our youngest son knew and some family friends my boys used to spend time with knew.  Even friends that ADB had only meet a few years prior knew.  But my husband and I were left in the dark.  The biggest betrayal I felt was from my Mom.  She and I were so close and I couldn’t believe she would keep this information from me.  ADB told us that he demanded that NO ONE tell us about the events that were unfolding and that crushes me.  Honestly I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to move past the fracture between my mom and I.  I would do anything for her she was my role model. She was the inspiration of what a mother should be.  There was nothing I wanted more for me and boys than to have the closeness my Mom and I had.  But the Monster from our past destroyed that chance.  

ADB told me I was under no circumstance allowed to hold this against my brother or my mother.  That he hadn’t given them a choice.  I get in my brain why my mom didn’t say anything but my heart will never understand.  If she were to have told me about it, it would have betrayed the trust ADB had given her.  But by not telling me it betrayed the trust I had in her.  She’s a mother as well she would have wanted to know if this had happened to my brother or I.  The next few days are a bit of a blur, I literally cried non-stop for two days.  Guilt was so heavy in my heart that I didn’t think I could go on anymore.  What kind of mother could I be if this happened to my son?  How blind could I have been? How could I have trusted a Monster to be around my son?

I worked with the Monster and one of his family members at a local grocery store.  I had hired him and I’d known him for several months before we talked about his activity with 4H.  The Monster worked with me for a while even coming to special work events with me to help us set up and decorate.  All while joking around and having fun, acting like he hadn’t be molesting my son during this time.  What kind of evil does that? My husband and I would even pick up the Monster and give him rides to events out of town when he didn’t have transportation.  I trusted this person to have my son’s best interest at heart when I wasn’t around.  It really is a damaging betrayal when a person you trusted sexually abuses your CHILD.  Trust is not something I will ever offer again to anyone, especially when there’s a child involved.

Since the time of my learning of this abuse I’ve decided I don’t want to have grandchildren ever.  I don’t ever want another child exposed to that kind of evil.  I’m afraid for every child and what they could be exposed to. My family has be changed forever.  ADB is a survivor with a warrior spirit being able to bring down this Monster on his own. 

The effects in a sexual abuse case are not limited to the immediate victim.  Because of these events ADB and my relationship is drastically different.  I’m afraid to say anything to him because I’m afraid he will shut me out again.  The family that I once felt was a lifeline for me is now just a part of my existence.   I feel like an outsider at any family gathering I’ve been to since learning of the Monster.  Solitude is all I want now, I get anxiety attacks when around my family because of the secrets the MONSTER created for them to keep.  My mind is constantly reeling with “what are they not telling me now.”  There is constant dwelling on how I did raising ADB, were the arguments we had as he entered Junior High and High School because he was a typical teenager then.  Or was this from him lashing out at us for not protecting him the way we should have.   I just want my son back, I want my son to come over for dinner, watch football games with us.  Just to have a relationship with us.  But at that same time I struggle with the need to distance myself from him so I can’t do anything to hurt him again.  It’s been a year and six months since I found out the horrors that happened to my son and the crying hasn’t stopped.  They self-loathing hasn’t stopped, the feeling of just driving away to never be found won’t go away.  The feeling that he doesn’t need me so why do I need to be here hasn’t stopped.  The jealousy of the relationship my Mom, Brother and some cousins have with my son hasn’t stopped.  The Monster took all that away from me… From my family!!!

I have since learned that the Monster was a victim of abuse as well and that he may not have known any better, is what we were told.  But I disagree, a person with any type of agenda doesn’t threaten another person if what they are doing is the right thing.  The Monster was preying on a CHILD and he knew that was wrong, as well as continued for year’s later working with young children in a leadership position.  He took from my son the home that should have been a safe place for him by abusing him in front of it. Who knows the number of victims he has affected or could affect in the future?  On top of this he was willing to try to reconnect with my son.  Clearly there was no remorse for his actions years prior. 

I’m thankful that ADB has finally received justice for the crimes that were committed against him.  But our family will be dealing with the evil acts that happened to ADB for the rest of our lives.  We will be trying to heal the wedge that was driven into our family.  And the Monsters only punishment will be 7-10 years and hopefully and eternity in HELL.