Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
It has been 4 weeks today and it is not any easier!! If anything, it is worse!! As I wrote last week, we found out that my child had a gun held on her during the abuse!! There are things that my husband and I just cannot let go of!!
First of all, when we found out, it was because my DAUGHTER told us!! NO ONE else!! The son of the perp (we will just call C) knew 2 weeks before my daughter told us. The reason that she told him and not us is because she was afraid that the perp was going to kill us if she told us... and he really may have. These people are very close neighbors of ours. When we found out, we went away until and planned to stay away until the perp got arrested. Well, as I have told in other posts, he took his own life the day after my daughter told us. We stayed away the whole weekend after he died to give the family space to mourn... also we were not going to the funeral so we did not want to be here when all of that was going on.
We have been very respectful of their space and tried to keep our distance as the wife of the perp and the daughter (whose child was abused by this man, too) did not want to see us and still don't. No one has even offered an apology for what has happened to my child!! We were very close to the perp and his wife. We were pretty close to his son as he has a child my son's age and they would play together when he had him on weekends. Well, my daughter had gotten closer to C (son of the perp) because she would go with her brother to hang out with them and play games. She would also hang out with the other child that was abused and C would let all of them play games and watch movies together. We trusted all of these people with our kids. BIG MISTAKE!! Although the perp is dead, it is hard to deal with the fact that these people knew and DID NOT come to me nor did they go to the police. I think the daughter did go the day that we found out, but the son, C never went!! He stood over here and lied to my husband and my face about not knowing!! I found out later that he lied!!
I am so angry that my little girl trusted him and reached out to him for help and he let her down. He did nothing!! Because we knew nothing about all of this, we allowed our kids to go over there with the other kids and every chance the perp got, he would threaten my little girl because he knew that she had told C. If C would have came right to us, we could have at least saved our little girl from those additional threats. It would have been okay with me if he would have went straight to the police and not told us at all. He has come clean and admitted that he knew only after I confronted him and told him that we know that he knew. He was trying to cover his butt because he thought that we could press charges because he did know and did not tell. I am not even sure that is possible, but he said that he looked it up and that he would get 8 months automatically. The perp told her that C would go to jail if she told us for knowing. Again, I don't even know if that is possible.
I didn't want C to go to jail. I don't want his mom to hurt more than she is already hurting. I don't want that family to suffer anymore than they are already, but I am sick and tired of worrying about what they want... what they need.... how they feel!! NOT one of them has even asked about my little girl!! WOW!! I did not have hard feelings against the family at first, but they have given us the cold shoulder and have been so rude to us for NO REASON that I am really becoming resentful! The wife of the perp won't even look over here. She sent her son, C to our house when we returned home to tell us that she did not want to see us or our child. WOW!! I tried to understand that... I really did. It has been 4 weeks and they still just go on about their lives like nothing happened. They act as if he is this great man that just happened to die. WTH?? I don't know how much longer I can live next door to these people. Again, let me stress that these were CLOSE friends... not just neighbors. Now, they act as if we did something wrong and we did not!!
They owe us and our daughter an apology for knowing what this POS was doing and not going to the police!! My daughter was caught in the middle of all of this drama when they found out and all of the arguing and threatening and again, we knew nothing!! WHy did they do this to my child? I cannot begin to understand this!! Please, I am begging you, DO NOT put that he was their family and they just didn't know what to do.... I have heard that a few times and if I hear it again, I may puke!! What about their little daughter/granddaughter/niece that he was doing this to as well? They act as if none of this happened. They are just so sad that he is no longer here!! I'm not!! I praise God every day that I wake up that I do not have to share oxygen with that bastard!!
A few times, I have been able to talk to C. We were friends on FB and I deleted him when I realized that he had lied to my husband's and my face. Well, he added me back. I accepted, which was a mistake!! I was not able to sleep early yesterday morning and I just vented to him. I did not say anything offensive. I did tell him that his dad had held a gun on my baby. I just told him how I thought things would get better, but they are still as hard. I was just venting. Later this morning, he asked my phone #. I told him that I could not talk... little ears listening. He said that was fine and I told him that it was just hard to see people talk about his dad as if he was so great knowing what was done to my daughter. See, I did not know that I was not allowed to do that because we have talked candidly about our feelings and he was okay with it and totally understood. I have really done the same as well.... I feel as if I have a right to be furious with these people, but I have been very patient and even told C that I would like to offer my condolences to his mother when the time was appropriate.
He went off on my today saying that today was his dad's birthday and that he would never get to spend it with him or eat cake with him ever again and that I needed to give him one day to grieve his dad's death. Um, okay. I don't talk to him much at all and I just did not look at the calendar and mark the date to not mention things to him. I don't give a crap that it was is birthday! I am glad the POS is not here to eat cake!! I hope he is rotting in hell right now and all of these people talk about how he is rejoicing in heaven today!! REALLY??????? People say this knowing!! They know!! Everyone knows and not because we tell... everyone has found out somehow.
I am sick of this crap and am so hurt, angry, upset and confused at the fact that this was done to my child!! HE did this to my baby!! NOT ME!! They chose not to tell... they allowed her to go 2 more weeks of torture!! I cannot let that go!! Especially as haughty and rude as they are acting to us!! I feel so sorry for the other little girl!! The mother is just worshiping her father now that he is dead!! IT IS CRAZY!!
OMGosh!! I hope I can sleep!! I am so upset and this has disrupted our whole lives!! WE ARE THE VICTIMS!! Who gives a shit about his birthday!! I sure as hell don't!! I guess that is why it is never going to work living so close to these people!! God help me!! I cannot take this much longer!!
And the daughter of the perp... she is a whole other disaster!! I cannot remember if I posted this before, but she actually blamed my child for this man's suicide!! OMGosh!! All of these scum bags are sick in the head!!
First of all, when we found out, it was because my DAUGHTER told us!! NO ONE else!! The son of the perp (we will just call C) knew 2 weeks before my daughter told us. The reason that she told him and not us is because she was afraid that the perp was going to kill us if she told us... and he really may have. These people are very close neighbors of ours. When we found out, we went away until and planned to stay away until the perp got arrested. Well, as I have told in other posts, he took his own life the day after my daughter told us. We stayed away the whole weekend after he died to give the family space to mourn... also we were not going to the funeral so we did not want to be here when all of that was going on.
We have been very respectful of their space and tried to keep our distance as the wife of the perp and the daughter (whose child was abused by this man, too) did not want to see us and still don't. No one has even offered an apology for what has happened to my child!! We were very close to the perp and his wife. We were pretty close to his son as he has a child my son's age and they would play together when he had him on weekends. Well, my daughter had gotten closer to C (son of the perp) because she would go with her brother to hang out with them and play games. She would also hang out with the other child that was abused and C would let all of them play games and watch movies together. We trusted all of these people with our kids. BIG MISTAKE!! Although the perp is dead, it is hard to deal with the fact that these people knew and DID NOT come to me nor did they go to the police. I think the daughter did go the day that we found out, but the son, C never went!! He stood over here and lied to my husband and my face about not knowing!! I found out later that he lied!!
I am so angry that my little girl trusted him and reached out to him for help and he let her down. He did nothing!! Because we knew nothing about all of this, we allowed our kids to go over there with the other kids and every chance the perp got, he would threaten my little girl because he knew that she had told C. If C would have came right to us, we could have at least saved our little girl from those additional threats. It would have been okay with me if he would have went straight to the police and not told us at all. He has come clean and admitted that he knew only after I confronted him and told him that we know that he knew. He was trying to cover his butt because he thought that we could press charges because he did know and did not tell. I am not even sure that is possible, but he said that he looked it up and that he would get 8 months automatically. The perp told her that C would go to jail if she told us for knowing. Again, I don't even know if that is possible.
I didn't want C to go to jail. I don't want his mom to hurt more than she is already hurting. I don't want that family to suffer anymore than they are already, but I am sick and tired of worrying about what they want... what they need.... how they feel!! NOT one of them has even asked about my little girl!! WOW!! I did not have hard feelings against the family at first, but they have given us the cold shoulder and have been so rude to us for NO REASON that I am really becoming resentful! The wife of the perp won't even look over here. She sent her son, C to our house when we returned home to tell us that she did not want to see us or our child. WOW!! I tried to understand that... I really did. It has been 4 weeks and they still just go on about their lives like nothing happened. They act as if he is this great man that just happened to die. WTH?? I don't know how much longer I can live next door to these people. Again, let me stress that these were CLOSE friends... not just neighbors. Now, they act as if we did something wrong and we did not!!
They owe us and our daughter an apology for knowing what this POS was doing and not going to the police!! My daughter was caught in the middle of all of this drama when they found out and all of the arguing and threatening and again, we knew nothing!! WHy did they do this to my child? I cannot begin to understand this!! Please, I am begging you, DO NOT put that he was their family and they just didn't know what to do.... I have heard that a few times and if I hear it again, I may puke!! What about their little daughter/granddaughter/niece that he was doing this to as well? They act as if none of this happened. They are just so sad that he is no longer here!! I'm not!! I praise God every day that I wake up that I do not have to share oxygen with that bastard!!
A few times, I have been able to talk to C. We were friends on FB and I deleted him when I realized that he had lied to my husband's and my face. Well, he added me back. I accepted, which was a mistake!! I was not able to sleep early yesterday morning and I just vented to him. I did not say anything offensive. I did tell him that his dad had held a gun on my baby. I just told him how I thought things would get better, but they are still as hard. I was just venting. Later this morning, he asked my phone #. I told him that I could not talk... little ears listening. He said that was fine and I told him that it was just hard to see people talk about his dad as if he was so great knowing what was done to my daughter. See, I did not know that I was not allowed to do that because we have talked candidly about our feelings and he was okay with it and totally understood. I have really done the same as well.... I feel as if I have a right to be furious with these people, but I have been very patient and even told C that I would like to offer my condolences to his mother when the time was appropriate.
He went off on my today saying that today was his dad's birthday and that he would never get to spend it with him or eat cake with him ever again and that I needed to give him one day to grieve his dad's death. Um, okay. I don't talk to him much at all and I just did not look at the calendar and mark the date to not mention things to him. I don't give a crap that it was is birthday! I am glad the POS is not here to eat cake!! I hope he is rotting in hell right now and all of these people talk about how he is rejoicing in heaven today!! REALLY??????? People say this knowing!! They know!! Everyone knows and not because we tell... everyone has found out somehow.
I am sick of this crap and am so hurt, angry, upset and confused at the fact that this was done to my child!! HE did this to my baby!! NOT ME!! They chose not to tell... they allowed her to go 2 more weeks of torture!! I cannot let that go!! Especially as haughty and rude as they are acting to us!! I feel so sorry for the other little girl!! The mother is just worshiping her father now that he is dead!! IT IS CRAZY!!
OMGosh!! I hope I can sleep!! I am so upset and this has disrupted our whole lives!! WE ARE THE VICTIMS!! Who gives a shit about his birthday!! I sure as hell don't!! I guess that is why it is never going to work living so close to these people!! God help me!! I cannot take this much longer!!
And the daughter of the perp... she is a whole other disaster!! I cannot remember if I posted this before, but she actually blamed my child for this man's suicide!! OMGosh!! All of these scum bags are sick in the head!!
I found this to be true with my bio dad and his family. I wrote a long and detailed letter to them a year after our daughter disclosed to us. I needed their support and prayers. Guess what I got? Nothing. It took my father 6 months to finally call me and I never heard from my 3 half sisters. It took me another 6 months to process my shock and then I wrote another letter to them telling them that I was done and no longer wanted contact. For me this was the right thing to do. I found out who they really were. Now all I feel is relief -I don't have to be disappointed ever again. Although this hurt me it was nothing compared to how our son made us feel after my daughter disclosed. All he could thing about was himself and how this was affecting his life. There are a lot of sociopaths out there. People show you who they truly are when the you know what hits the fan. None of these people care. Sorry to be blunt but this is how they play.
Expect nothing from them ever and you will be able to move forward. I am sorry that your daughter was hurt so terribly and then to have more heaped on by these losers. Don't look back. Look forward to healing as others have said. Life does get better again, I promise.
Laura
In other words - clearly unlike yourself Charity7 who has a beautiful heart n cares to do the right thing
Narcissists when confronted with this dilemma hold onto that fake identity (pastor dad) of their "beloved" criminal because they are tooooo narcissistic to believe such horror could happen in their prestigious family.
They unlike you Charity7 likely used church as a way to portray their prestigiousness and not as a means of learning love. They likely walked around snubbing others with their holier than thow attitude.
You too Charity7 could have denied your daughters disclosure and pretended you're too perfect of a family that this could happen in your home - but you didn't!
Your neighbors doing a huge disservice to that granddaughter out of their narcissism - for she is likely receiving negative feedback from her disclosure thus is saying "it only happened once". Sounds like she's afraid to tell them the reality of the family in this particular circumstance (kids don't disclose sometimes for other reasons - but fear not an issue here if the guys dead). Maybe I'm wrong about assuming that - but sounds to me their denial/ narcissism is hindering her to me.
And narcissism is a sociopathy
And yes there are far more narcissists than we care to know! But right now, you are in a moment to see them for who they are - for they will all flock to the offender. Kinda cool that you have an opportunity that unmasks jerks - Altho sometimes hurtful - you are better off today to be in the know :-)
??? Tell her it's ok to love them ??? N let her learn for herself so u don't look like the bad guy???
My daughter told me that she felt like I wanted her to hate him and them, but she couldn't. I told her that I did not want her to hate anyone and that is was okay for her to love them and be sad that he is dead. It is just hard for me to feel that way... I JUST FLAT OUT DON'T FEEL THAT WAY, but I put it mildly for her sake. I will reassure her again that it is okay and that I do not want her to hate them. It is hard for her to understand that this is the most horrible thing that he could have done to my husband and me. I know that this happened to HER!! We are trying to do everything to help her and will always put her needs ahead of our own. However, there is no pain that has compared to the pain that we feel knowing that someone hurt our baby!! Mess with me all you want... I usually get my feelings hurt and get over, but mess with my children and you RIP OUT MY HEART!!
I want you to know that it is also very common for your child to be angry with you. This will also change with time and counseling. At some point in time you will want to apologize to her for being unable to keep her safe. This can be so healing. Keep in mind that none of this was your fault but because you are her parent she will need to hear this from you when the time is right.
You are doing all the right things for her. Things are incredibly difficult and emotional in the beginning so cut yourself some slack. :)
Laura
Ecclesiastes 7:8
Better is the end of a thing than its beginning and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
I think I will be putting that one in my jar :) Of course along with...there is a time for every activity under the sun. Needless to say the patients thing has always been one of my weaker characters and I joke that God doesn't miss an opportunity for me to work on it.
Charity7 I agree with the bitterness thing all I know is this has tested my faith and belief in humanity like no other. I struggle constantly with wishing the perp dead or some horrible tragedy to befall him soon. I accept that these are normal feelings and that I will move through this part too. The counseling helps alot. I also think the ptsd from my abuse is very much a part of that. I also listen to Joyce Meyer alot she always helps bring me around with the thinking. I love that we can vent all that stuff safely here it really helps me to process and move forward even if it seems I have to take a couple steps back here and there.