Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
It has been 4 weeks today and it is not any easier!! If anything, it is worse!! As I wrote last week, we found out that my child had a gun held on her during the abuse!! There are things that my husband and I just cannot let go of!!
First of all, when we found out, it was because my DAUGHTER told us!! NO ONE else!! The son of the perp (we will just call C) knew 2 weeks before my daughter told us. The reason that she told him and not us is because she was afraid that the perp was going to kill us if she told us... and he really may have. These people are very close neighbors of ours. When we found out, we went away until and planned to stay away until the perp got arrested. Well, as I have told in other posts, he took his own life the day after my daughter told us. We stayed away the whole weekend after he died to give the family space to mourn... also we were not going to the funeral so we did not want to be here when all of that was going on.
We have been very respectful of their space and tried to keep our distance as the wife of the perp and the daughter (whose child was abused by this man, too) did not want to see us and still don't. No one has even offered an apology for what has happened to my child!! We were very close to the perp and his wife. We were pretty close to his son as he has a child my son's age and they would play together when he had him on weekends. Well, my daughter had gotten closer to C (son of the perp) because she would go with her brother to hang out with them and play games. She would also hang out with the other child that was abused and C would let all of them play games and watch movies together. We trusted all of these people with our kids. BIG MISTAKE!! Although the perp is dead, it is hard to deal with the fact that these people knew and DID NOT come to me nor did they go to the police. I think the daughter did go the day that we found out, but the son, C never went!! He stood over here and lied to my husband and my face about not knowing!! I found out later that he lied!!
I am so angry that my little girl trusted him and reached out to him for help and he let her down. He did nothing!! Because we knew nothing about all of this, we allowed our kids to go over there with the other kids and every chance the perp got, he would threaten my little girl because he knew that she had told C. If C would have came right to us, we could have at least saved our little girl from those additional threats. It would have been okay with me if he would have went straight to the police and not told us at all. He has come clean and admitted that he knew only after I confronted him and told him that we know that he knew. He was trying to cover his butt because he thought that we could press charges because he did know and did not tell. I am not even sure that is possible, but he said that he looked it up and that he would get 8 months automatically. The perp told her that C would go to jail if she told us for knowing. Again, I don't even know if that is possible.
I didn't want C to go to jail. I don't want his mom to hurt more than she is already hurting. I don't want that family to suffer anymore than they are already, but I am sick and tired of worrying about what they want... what they need.... how they feel!! NOT one of them has even asked about my little girl!! WOW!! I did not have hard feelings against the family at first, but they have given us the cold shoulder and have been so rude to us for NO REASON that I am really becoming resentful! The wife of the perp won't even look over here. She sent her son, C to our house when we returned home to tell us that she did not want to see us or our child. WOW!! I tried to understand that... I really did. It has been 4 weeks and they still just go on about their lives like nothing happened. They act as if he is this great man that just happened to die. WTH?? I don't know how much longer I can live next door to these people. Again, let me stress that these were CLOSE friends... not just neighbors. Now, they act as if we did something wrong and we did not!!
They owe us and our daughter an apology for knowing what this POS was doing and not going to the police!! My daughter was caught in the middle of all of this drama when they found out and all of the arguing and threatening and again, we knew nothing!! WHy did they do this to my child? I cannot begin to understand this!! Please, I am begging you, DO NOT put that he was their family and they just didn't know what to do.... I have heard that a few times and if I hear it again, I may puke!! What about their little daughter/granddaughter/niece that he was doing this to as well? They act as if none of this happened. They are just so sad that he is no longer here!! I'm not!! I praise God every day that I wake up that I do not have to share oxygen with that bastard!!
A few times, I have been able to talk to C. We were friends on FB and I deleted him when I realized that he had lied to my husband's and my face. Well, he added me back. I accepted, which was a mistake!! I was not able to sleep early yesterday morning and I just vented to him. I did not say anything offensive. I did tell him that his dad had held a gun on my baby. I just told him how I thought things would get better, but they are still as hard. I was just venting. Later this morning, he asked my phone #. I told him that I could not talk... little ears listening. He said that was fine and I told him that it was just hard to see people talk about his dad as if he was so great knowing what was done to my daughter. See, I did not know that I was not allowed to do that because we have talked candidly about our feelings and he was okay with it and totally understood. I have really done the same as well.... I feel as if I have a right to be furious with these people, but I have been very patient and even told C that I would like to offer my condolences to his mother when the time was appropriate.
He went off on my today saying that today was his dad's birthday and that he would never get to spend it with him or eat cake with him ever again and that I needed to give him one day to grieve his dad's death. Um, okay. I don't talk to him much at all and I just did not look at the calendar and mark the date to not mention things to him. I don't give a crap that it was is birthday! I am glad the POS is not here to eat cake!! I hope he is rotting in hell right now and all of these people talk about how he is rejoicing in heaven today!! REALLY??????? People say this knowing!! They know!! Everyone knows and not because we tell... everyone has found out somehow.
I am sick of this crap and am so hurt, angry, upset and confused at the fact that this was done to my child!! HE did this to my baby!! NOT ME!! They chose not to tell... they allowed her to go 2 more weeks of torture!! I cannot let that go!! Especially as haughty and rude as they are acting to us!! I feel so sorry for the other little girl!! The mother is just worshiping her father now that he is dead!! IT IS CRAZY!!
OMGosh!! I hope I can sleep!! I am so upset and this has disrupted our whole lives!! WE ARE THE VICTIMS!! Who gives a shit about his birthday!! I sure as hell don't!! I guess that is why it is never going to work living so close to these people!! God help me!! I cannot take this much longer!!
And the daughter of the perp... she is a whole other disaster!! I cannot remember if I posted this before, but she actually blamed my child for this man's suicide!! OMGosh!! All of these scum bags are sick in the head!!
First of all, when we found out, it was because my DAUGHTER told us!! NO ONE else!! The son of the perp (we will just call C) knew 2 weeks before my daughter told us. The reason that she told him and not us is because she was afraid that the perp was going to kill us if she told us... and he really may have. These people are very close neighbors of ours. When we found out, we went away until and planned to stay away until the perp got arrested. Well, as I have told in other posts, he took his own life the day after my daughter told us. We stayed away the whole weekend after he died to give the family space to mourn... also we were not going to the funeral so we did not want to be here when all of that was going on.
We have been very respectful of their space and tried to keep our distance as the wife of the perp and the daughter (whose child was abused by this man, too) did not want to see us and still don't. No one has even offered an apology for what has happened to my child!! We were very close to the perp and his wife. We were pretty close to his son as he has a child my son's age and they would play together when he had him on weekends. Well, my daughter had gotten closer to C (son of the perp) because she would go with her brother to hang out with them and play games. She would also hang out with the other child that was abused and C would let all of them play games and watch movies together. We trusted all of these people with our kids. BIG MISTAKE!! Although the perp is dead, it is hard to deal with the fact that these people knew and DID NOT come to me nor did they go to the police. I think the daughter did go the day that we found out, but the son, C never went!! He stood over here and lied to my husband and my face about not knowing!! I found out later that he lied!!
I am so angry that my little girl trusted him and reached out to him for help and he let her down. He did nothing!! Because we knew nothing about all of this, we allowed our kids to go over there with the other kids and every chance the perp got, he would threaten my little girl because he knew that she had told C. If C would have came right to us, we could have at least saved our little girl from those additional threats. It would have been okay with me if he would have went straight to the police and not told us at all. He has come clean and admitted that he knew only after I confronted him and told him that we know that he knew. He was trying to cover his butt because he thought that we could press charges because he did know and did not tell. I am not even sure that is possible, but he said that he looked it up and that he would get 8 months automatically. The perp told her that C would go to jail if she told us for knowing. Again, I don't even know if that is possible.
I didn't want C to go to jail. I don't want his mom to hurt more than she is already hurting. I don't want that family to suffer anymore than they are already, but I am sick and tired of worrying about what they want... what they need.... how they feel!! NOT one of them has even asked about my little girl!! WOW!! I did not have hard feelings against the family at first, but they have given us the cold shoulder and have been so rude to us for NO REASON that I am really becoming resentful! The wife of the perp won't even look over here. She sent her son, C to our house when we returned home to tell us that she did not want to see us or our child. WOW!! I tried to understand that... I really did. It has been 4 weeks and they still just go on about their lives like nothing happened. They act as if he is this great man that just happened to die. WTH?? I don't know how much longer I can live next door to these people. Again, let me stress that these were CLOSE friends... not just neighbors. Now, they act as if we did something wrong and we did not!!
They owe us and our daughter an apology for knowing what this POS was doing and not going to the police!! My daughter was caught in the middle of all of this drama when they found out and all of the arguing and threatening and again, we knew nothing!! WHy did they do this to my child? I cannot begin to understand this!! Please, I am begging you, DO NOT put that he was their family and they just didn't know what to do.... I have heard that a few times and if I hear it again, I may puke!! What about their little daughter/granddaughter/niece that he was doing this to as well? They act as if none of this happened. They are just so sad that he is no longer here!! I'm not!! I praise God every day that I wake up that I do not have to share oxygen with that bastard!!
A few times, I have been able to talk to C. We were friends on FB and I deleted him when I realized that he had lied to my husband's and my face. Well, he added me back. I accepted, which was a mistake!! I was not able to sleep early yesterday morning and I just vented to him. I did not say anything offensive. I did tell him that his dad had held a gun on my baby. I just told him how I thought things would get better, but they are still as hard. I was just venting. Later this morning, he asked my phone #. I told him that I could not talk... little ears listening. He said that was fine and I told him that it was just hard to see people talk about his dad as if he was so great knowing what was done to my daughter. See, I did not know that I was not allowed to do that because we have talked candidly about our feelings and he was okay with it and totally understood. I have really done the same as well.... I feel as if I have a right to be furious with these people, but I have been very patient and even told C that I would like to offer my condolences to his mother when the time was appropriate.
He went off on my today saying that today was his dad's birthday and that he would never get to spend it with him or eat cake with him ever again and that I needed to give him one day to grieve his dad's death. Um, okay. I don't talk to him much at all and I just did not look at the calendar and mark the date to not mention things to him. I don't give a crap that it was is birthday! I am glad the POS is not here to eat cake!! I hope he is rotting in hell right now and all of these people talk about how he is rejoicing in heaven today!! REALLY??????? People say this knowing!! They know!! Everyone knows and not because we tell... everyone has found out somehow.
I am sick of this crap and am so hurt, angry, upset and confused at the fact that this was done to my child!! HE did this to my baby!! NOT ME!! They chose not to tell... they allowed her to go 2 more weeks of torture!! I cannot let that go!! Especially as haughty and rude as they are acting to us!! I feel so sorry for the other little girl!! The mother is just worshiping her father now that he is dead!! IT IS CRAZY!!
OMGosh!! I hope I can sleep!! I am so upset and this has disrupted our whole lives!! WE ARE THE VICTIMS!! Who gives a shit about his birthday!! I sure as hell don't!! I guess that is why it is never going to work living so close to these people!! God help me!! I cannot take this much longer!!
And the daughter of the perp... she is a whole other disaster!! I cannot remember if I posted this before, but she actually blamed my child for this man's suicide!! OMGosh!! All of these scum bags are sick in the head!!
Peace within you!
As far as the legality part apparently when my brother who knew went in and talked to the detective he hand cuffed him and wrote up charges on him for not coming forward immediately. The detective told him if he didn't fully cooperate he would file the charges. I have to say although I choose not to focus on what this brother didn't do but on what he did do it was nice knowing he had been on the receiving side of some consequences for a horrible choice. It is hard to let go the only justice you will get is by your family being stronger and safer in the future and moving on with people you can count on. Choices people are making will have a ripple effect for generations they will reap and reap again what they have sown. I am still feeling that from my grandparents choices (my grandpa molested my mom and her mom told her that is between her and her dad. Maybe had her mom done the right thing my mom could have. Keep the focus on your daughter she needs you to get through this. Moving isn't so bad.
I know what you mean, heartsadx3!! My uncle used to say when everything around was falling apart and going nuts, everybody is crazy, but you and me... LOL!! I feel as if I come here to find sanity and comfort!! Thanks for giving me that... all of you, from the bottom of my heart, THANKS so much!!
Yep, choices are going to come back to bite these folks for sure. When my little girl is grown, I want her to be able to say that we did everything to help her through this and that she is stronger because of it!! I am so proud of you for standing up for your child even though no one did for you or your mother. You broke that cycle!! Good for you!! If I had the $$, I'd send you to the Caribbean or anywhere else you wanted to go!! They probably have to do extravagant things like that to keep them from focusing on the truth. They obviously live in LaLa land.
But I had a similar experience in my life where a family member did a horrible act - not as horrible, but horrible (my sister in law called CPS, identified herself as me and made a complaint onto herself to make it look like I was harassing her). She is clearly mentally ill - profoundly so.
I always wondered why the heck her husband, my husbands brother never apologized to me. We were in the middle of our international adoption when she did this crime and I was afraid it could adversely effect our adoption. We too were owed an apology from someone who was a family member to the criminal.
So - not as horrendous of an act - yet some parallels here.
My counselor told me the reason the husband never apologized is because he is dissociating himself from her.
So in other words, this family wont ever apologize to you because they will never be able to believe that they were associated with his evil side - who he really was. They are insisting on dissociating themselves from that aspect of his life. I imagine this is even easier for them to convince themselves right now because they can choose to believe he was this wonderful pastor because he's dead. So why agonize themselves to believe he was anything other? (Well you know why they shouldn't)
So my story becomes even more interesting.
My in-laws too refuse to believe (in denial) that my sister in law so ill. (she also forged my signature at the post office and had my mail going to an ex boyfriend's house and sent a letter around town saying I was cheating on my husband when I was not). My in-laws made my sister in law - after her arrest - teacher of Vacation Bible School in their church. (What you and I would call a cover up scandal). To them they are dissociating themselves from her evil side ( her true self) and choosing to associate with her church going identity (the impression of herself she wants everyone to believe as her true self).
So fast forward a few years, and here we are now - my husband is the perp. We are getting divorced. My mother and father in law buy him a house. They support him. They disbelieve me and my kids. They treat my kids who are telling rotten.
Do you think our lives and experiences so similar by chance or is there something going on here?
I feel it's not chance. I feel perps place themselves into the company of people who dissociate like this and believe them. You hear the same story on this site over and over of the friends and family who reject the victims. It's not all just because they don't believe. It's because they cant handle the truth. They dissociate themselves from the evil and hold onto the identity of the perp that the perp wants everyone to believe. Again - the identity the pastor the good man.
Every time they see your family, your sweet child, they grieve the loss of the good man they are choosing to hang onto. Every time they see you and your child, they see the twisted sicko they don't want to know - the man they want to reject and dissociate from (which that evil man to you is reality).
So you're moving ahead with reality
They're choosing to stay behind in fairy tale world.
You and your daughter will move ahead and heal by dealing with reality.
They will stumble and fall all over the place with guilt, shame, loss and consequences of selfishness.
When you're moving ahead and they're staying behind, your paths are no longer compatible.
So, you are allowed to stop being concerned with their needs because no one can help them into reality until they choose to enter it themselves.
fairy tale world - I will never again be able to eat birthday cake with my pastor dad