That's a lot of tension, with a court date coming up. If you do try EMDR, you can learn to do some of the self-soothing techniques at home when your nerves are getting the best of you. Have you considered medication? I know that sounds absurd, given your earlier posts in this thread, but you may finally NEED something to help you stay steady. I'd urge you to avoid anything addictive, like Xanax.

I dont really want to go on anything, one day at a time for the moment, I know i need more sleep
Yes my stress level are off the chart

Deep breathing is free and available anywhere at all times. Breathe, hold, feel the "blankness" of your mind while holding, and release. Hope this helps you get through.

i think i have emotional trauma or ptsd or whatever it is, i have been writing down my fears, wow, my life has changed

I'm so glad to hear that you are writing. You need a place to let these feelings, whenever/wherever you want. Writing is an extremely effective tool for dealing with PTSD.

PTSD happens to survivors immediately after the trauma (and, over time, it really kicks in). It happens to non-offending parents of survivors after the point of disclosure. For some, that point is shortly after the abuse has happened. For many more, that's years later. My daughter was abused 15 years before she disclosed to me; my PTSD started the moment she told me. It's been over three years, and I'm still suffering, although I'm generally much calmer now and more functional.

Instead of the shame survivors usually feel, we are left with guilt for not knowing about or preventing the abuse. We are fearful of the perpetrator (who is rarely arrested/convicted) -- fearful for our beloved children's safety, and, where the perpetrator walks free, fearful of reprisals, of losing custody, etc. We are fearful about our children's healing -- it can be such a slow road, and full of regression, as well as anger directed at US because we are the only safe outlet. We are fearful for our children's future choices. Anything can be scary when we realize we never really had control, only faith. The restoration of faith (and it can be non-religious faith, too) is a long process for parents of survivors.

My heart is aching for you. You have to fight for your children, fight with everything you have! I do not know about your laws in UK, but Naive gave great advice, disclosure is evidence!!! Do you have an atty? Family help? Trusted friend? Church? You will be no good to your kids if you lay down and not get up. (Believe me, I have felt like that). Try to find every available resource you can in your country to help. This man is despicable. Pure evil. Do you have child advocates? Hugs to you. H

Thanks, for your support, again, i read your nice words and cry, I just break into tears, when someone is nice to me, i am back in my 12steps programme and counciling, Both children have a solicitor and a councilors, I also have a government agency working with me, they visit every week. I just carnt seem to find my way out. It just seems like talking is not enough to get it all out, its al so messy

Still holding on to whatever is left in me, i have 23 appointments this month alone, trying to work as well to pay bill, court, solicitors, councilors, phycyrist appoints, sometimes, my body just wants to shut down, trial next year sometime in june, its very hurtful, nobody seems to understand, the emotional mess tormenting me, Obviously, the father is extremely callus. Even friends say snap out of it, like its all going to go away, My God, i wish it would. I told the clinic phycrist, i think i have ptsd, i am filling out paperwork, i guess for this, i hope they find something wrong with me, because, i am sick of crying, This is not me!!! This is not who i was, before the disclosurers

child safety and the police, have walked away, my x said, basically that I told them to say it.
I am deverstated. Is the world really like this???? I dont understand.. I cannot bear the thought of my son going back. I will not survive this,

I'm glad to hear from you. I'm sorry for your torment. Yes, it sounds like you have PTSD, and have for some time.

This is not something you will "snap out of" because this changes us on a molecular level. You cannot choose to be the same, because you are now a different person. Those who know and love you will not hear this, so you have to accept yourself. When you do, they will have to as well. For now, meditate -- if only for one or two deep breaths at a time. Focus on THIS moment. Own this moment. And be proud of your resolve to fight for your children!! You have gotten this far, so you are doing something very right.

Many, many hugs to you. It is getting better. You're still in a tunnel, and the light stinks, but you're moving. Keep going.

I didn't have time to respond to your last post. I am so sorry about the big shrug from police. Please know that a lack of justice is also survivable. Most of us here meet with little to none. Rare are the stories of abusers who get the punishment they deserve (or at least, what we can mete out to them here on Earth).

Many months ago you said you did not want to take any meds to help you with your emotional state. I'm glad to see that you now have a psychiatrist. If you're taking something now to help with the sorrow, it may be that you need a higher dose or a different class of meds to help you. Also, have you looked into EMDR? It offers an 80% remission rate, without medication. Please examine every option available to you. Your response to care for yourself will have a profound effect on your children; they need a role model. They need to believe that their disclosures did not ruin you (adding to their shame/guilt). You are correct -- this crying you is NOT you, not the whole you, at least. You need and deserve to treat yourself adequately for your PTSD. It is not a flesh wound that will simply knit itself back together, but a system-wide trauma that needs specialized care. Please pursue it.

And keep writing. Four months is a long time to deny yourself the support of others who understand this pain.

I am so sorry that the police have brushed you off. I can't imagine how that feels. Naive has some amazing advice. My thoughts are with you, beendeceived. You will get through this. Take care of yourself and ignore anyone that says you don't have a right to be troubled and extremely affected by what has happened. Ask them if they'd like to trade places with you. No one can possibly know what this feels like until they've experienced it.

"Ask them if they'd like to trade places with you." Musicmommy, that quote wins the internet for today.

I'm so sorry for the lack of support from the police I too had the same experience of it just being brushed away. It makes me wonder how many false acausation are being made that this can be ano excuse for them to not pursue justice. Seems like I hear more justice not being done in cases where abuse has occurred. As a society I wish we would wake up and realize the statistics of abuse are due in part to a system that refuses to prosecute and jail these individuals and they continue to abuse over and over again.