It's been 12 years ago for me and my family, and I still struggle from time to time with haunted thoughts. I am not the person I used to be before the "junk". I am bitter and not very forgiving. I do not trust anyone...sometimes I even find it hard to have faith in God for his protection. I struggled with the "loving him"/"hating him" and don't really know how I feel about him to this day. I know what we had was a loving family, also and never would have dreamed this would have happened to my family. All we can do is still continue to take it one day at a time, cause I sure do fail on a daily basis.

I'm only about 17 months out frome disclosure, less than 2 months our from my son reporting, so we haven't gotten to the Grand Jury stage yet, but I really relate to what you're saying, Woulddoitagain. Besides the perp (an adjunct instructor for our school's band program who was 7.5 yrs older than our son who he molested) who we knew for over 3 yrs and had become a part of our family before he started molesting my son while he was still 15, we also had a witness, supposedly a very close "friend," who decided it looked consensual and was none of our business. The betrayal we feel from both these people sometimes feels unsurmountable, especially from the "friend.".

But the way the whole thing messes with my head--the thoughts that I really have a very immature concept of how to judge a person's character and intentions, and are there other ways or areas that exist because of that where I've damaged or negatively skewed my kid's emotional or spiritual health--that is such a source at times of guilt or at other times of such disappointment in myself. I've become skeptical of all the relationships I have with people, and very reluctant to start new ones. I keep thinking, like you alluded to in your post, what did I not see in these people; what am I not going to see in people, and why?

But I do have the feeling or notion that once we are through the sentencing phase, and all is said and done, that I can start to work on and repair some of this negativity. I know that I am going to need to do something--try to get involved with some sort of awareness campaign, write a book, or whatever, to use up the anxiety, get it out, and be able to allow some positive and anxiety-free times and activities back into my life. The effects of CSA are like a rock thrown into a pond, the ripples are far reaching, and it's a process you have to go through to find all the different points those ripples reached and then work through each of them.

I have put quite a bit of thought into my own life because the kids' dad wasn't the only abusive person in it, so I am definitely doing some work on myself, boundaries, childhood issues that may make me vulnerable as an adult. As far as the kids' dad himself, we were married for 10 years before the sexual abuse started. We were known as "the best couple". It was a huge case in the media because he was a very prominent business man here who worked with 3 city governments locally as well as the county etc.

He did have sexual abuse issues from his childhood (at least he told his mom about this before he turned himself in), but he had never mentioned them to me ever, he only talked a little bit about his dad who was mean, but hadn't been a part of his life most of his childhood. The way this was explained to me by our original therapist was that men often hide abuse and go on to try to live normal lives (and of course some do on some level or another) but often times when they get a business, a wife, kids, and start feeling pressure from all these things and different directions, they really have no healthy coping skills and things just kind of snap into their previous abuse cycle from childhood. So, in my case, I can really pick him apart now that I know and see a few things that might have been red flags for problems - a little controlling about finances and chores etc., but really, there was just nothing absolutely glaring in our lives that would make me thing this would come to pass (although I did learn also that anyone who is really controlling in particular "other" areas are oftentimes that way because they feel out of control of themselves - I can see now looking back - that the more the abuse of our daughter progressed, the more controlling he was becoming).

On the other hand, I was previously to and have since been in a relationship with a man who was abusive mentally and emotionally, edging on physically. So, for me, yes, I am looking at the reasons I ignored red flags with those men and also including some of those things I see now with the kids' dad in that process.

Overall, it is terribly damaging to have that level of trust with anyone and for it to be betrayed. Sometimes, I think, if I didn't know this person after 13 years, who can I really know? The truth is, we can strengthen ourselves and our boundaries, but we can't always see what is hidden within others. Good people tend to believe that all people are like them and good, and it just isn't so. Some people are just very good at covering up, faking it and presenting a nice package.

Bandmom5 I agree it does mess with your head. I too have considered the book thing in hopes of helping someone else. For a while now I have been journaling about this and think once my children are older I might publish it.

I still want to believe the best in people, it's just so darn hard when the people you loved and trust the most betray you like that.

Bandmom5....read "After the Affair" that author wrote the first book in the affair field, like you are talking about for this field. It would be a good model for yours.

"Does anyone else look at the other relationships in their life and wonder if they weren't really what you thought they were?" What kills me is that I lived a lie in my own family. My stepdad used to come into my room at 4-5 in the morning and I'd wake up to him stroking my back, buttocks, legs...and he liked to give over the shoulder "massages" that went into the front...when he'd had a few beers. He made innuendos and comments. When it got to a point where I asked a friend who was in foster care...how I could get him to stop without my mom knowing...because it would upset her...it all went out into the open thank God. I went to a psychologist...things were quiet for a bit. StepD never left. After a while it went back to "normal" for everyone else. He didn't touch me again.

My younger sister never believed me...funny since I was worried he'd go for her next and that's why I told. But nobody spoke of it to me....but him....until I moved out at 17. He said "now your mom and me can't adopt another child because of you (thank God)." and "Now I have a note on my record." etc. etc. Essentially I believed NOBODY believed me. I saw myself as not worthy or worth it for a LONG time. I put up with an abusive boyfriend because I hated being home. Mom finally broke up with stepD when his physical abuse of my little brother and my refusal to bring my daughter over because of stepD's drunkenness hit her. YEARS later, when I was 32 and my husband left I asked her why she didn't believe me about what happened...and she said she had believed me, the psychologist said I was telling the truth. I don't get it you know? We never spoke of it again and I carried that pain that I was a liar and crap in her eyes for 20 years.

I have always felt that even though I'm the oldest, I'm this worthless sibling. Nobody believed me and over the years they said I was "over-sensitive" and "dramatic" (both traits that made me wonderous in the business world later...and were touted as detail oriented, and able to capture a room). My full sister (our dad died when we were babies) regularly says "stepd was a great dad, he was a good father to me" I guess I'm glad she had that, she had him over recently to fix her car. But I've never felt worth it in my life because of this stuff. I think the way my family acted was worse than the anger and frustration I had for the years he did this to me. Talk about Family of Origin issues. I was about 12 when it all started. Ranigal, I wish my mom had been more like you. I felt ill in my own home for the 5 add'l years I lived there.

What freaks me out about my daughter's situation is that she didn't ask for help. Her biggest gripe is that he wasn't honest with her, and didn't tell her she'd need a vaginal evaluation by a doctor and the rape kit she did IF they got caught. I'm trying so hard to remind myself she's a victim. And to follow you folks advice (the only advice I've gotten since this was discovered 6 days ago).

I have already been so decimated by my husbands affair and the people who covered that up for him that I've disassociated with the majority of people in my life. This recent occurrence and new shame just shuts the door on the rest. I don't think I'll ever really be able to be friends with people again. I don't think my brain knows how to trust anymore. Maybe I should move the fam into the Appalachian mountains and go all Thourough.

By the way, I'm in school to become a psychologist.

CantSeeTheLight - I am glad to hear that you are in school. I returned to school a couple of years ago, not for that, but for one of the social sciences. I am sorry that you were never believed, that is terribly damaging. Through my daughter's sexual abuse and the cherry on top of this relationship I had in between then and now, I have either lost or disassociated from the majority of those in my life. I think this was actually not a bad thing for me during this time. I discovered the couple of people in my life that were true friends and rid myself of many that were not or that were just draining. I've spent this time focused on my kids and my healing. I am just now starting to feel like attempting to socialize again and still plan on taking that very slow and with little steps. No, my trust is not the same and maybe it shouldn't be - I think I was a bit naive and always trying to see the good in everyone, even though it's not always there or at least definitely not worth trying to dig for or fix someone in a vain attempt to find it. I think through the kids healing process and my own (always an ongoing process), I am feeling a stronger person now and able to go back out to make friends (another relationship - well, that may not happen for quite a while longer, I don't know) with a better ability to keep my boundaries intact and keep harmful people away. A lot of this feeling of being able is just because I am not in a rush. I have found happiness with myself, kids, parents, one cousin and don't need outside friendships or relationships to make me okay, but would like to develop some friendships to share the ups and downs with eventually.

It is a work in progress and I think we are so socialized to think that we need friends or need a partner in our lives or we aren't quite right that sometimes we lose the part where we need to be whole people by ourselves first! I have spent the last 5 years or so working on this and working on me and enjoying the good and bad with my kids and will continue to take whatever time it takes to feel secure about forging new relationships on a healthy level.

I have felt all the feelings you described and the thought of how could I have missed the signs? I have also thought how could God allow this when he knew my son was being raped for 5 years? How could a God who loves us let a little child endure that? I have no answers. I also dont trust people and realize now how a person presents themselves could be a front. I will never trust like I did again. I do know in the early 2000s there was not open talk about sex abuse.I do know I wouldnt recommed anyone put a child in a home daycare and the one my child was in was licensed! That doesnt matter. WHen my niece found out she said, OH it must not have been a licensed daycare! that makes no difference!..ANy home care is not safe is the dad has acess to the kids there...

man, i do the same thing! ex-act-ly. i wish there was a syringe that could suck out that portion of our brains and our children's brains. and then take that filled syringe of all the pain that the sicko (term used lightly) caused us moms and kids; all the sadness, anger, regret, insomnia, loss of appetites, did i say anger, shame, hurt, fear, nightmares, guilt, nausea, bang your head on the wall for some peace and quiet, i could go on (seriously)...take that syringe of us and our kids and stick it in his brain. all of it. and then stick him in a cold-lonely-cemented-dark-box and have daily visitors who despise child sexual deviants pay their lack-of-respects to them. -i'm just sayin'

CAntseethelight, Your story is so heartwrenching, I am so sorry what you have been through. Are you in counseling? You were a abuse victim and it needs to be addressed with a counselor. Your speaking out now, your letting out your pain. I cant imagine what you went through as a child. But we believe you and every word you say. Your stepdad was evil and sick!!! There is no easy answers and quick fixes, just support and a desire to heal from this awful situation. Im curious, I wonder what the stats are on people that have been molested go into some psychology or counselling profession. I guess you just keep continuing try to wrap your head around this! I am sure everyone of us had re-evaluated our life!!!! The signs, the would've, should'ves and could'ves!!!! We cant change the past, we can only strive to make our future better for our kids and us. We are survivors!!!! H

I hear ya yankeebe11e, I totally get the going on...I had to chuckle a little picturing my BIL with the syringe of toxic waste in his brain. Thanks I needed that.

Once again thanks to all on this topic. It's nice to know I don't have three heads and my feelings are normal for these circumstances.