Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am so sorry to be a discussion board hog, but I needed to vent, yet again. Imagine that??
We live right next door to the perp's family. As you all know, or if you haven't read in one of my other posts, the perp is dead... he killed himself the day after my daughter told us. So, here is how it all came about...
The day that my daughter told us, the perp and his son came over to tell my husband and me that there had been an anonymous tip given to the police that my daughter and his granddaughter were being abused and that his (the perp's) daughter was at the police station because they had called her to come in. We were all baffled at the accusation and figured someone was making this up because he had made someone at church or in the community mad. He did not tell us who was supposedly abusing the girls, but that we would all be questioned and that we would all have to stick together because we knew nothing had happened. I got a really weird and uncomfortable feeling and as soon as they left, I asked my daughter if someone had been hurting her in any way. She just began crying and would not tell us no so, we knew something had happened and we had to talk to her for 15 minutes and my husband had to leave the room for her to ever tell me who it was. Actually, she never said his name, she just nodded when I said his name. This is a man that has lived beside us for 10 years and has done a lot, and I mean A LOT for us throughout the years. He promised me and my husband that he would always be there for us and even when our families were not there, he was. He was not an all talk kind of person, he showed us that he cared... or so we thought.
We took my daughter to the police immediately for her to give her statement. He had told her that he would kill himself before he went to jail. He told her that he would start shooting at the police when they came to get him and make them have to shoot him. Because of his threats, they did not want us to even go home, so my in-laws came and got my kids from the police station and 3 police cars escorted my husband and me home to get our things to go stay with my in-laws. The next day, we took my daughter to a place that specializes in children's interviewing and statements for this kind of thing. She and my son were interviewed and on the way out, my husband asked the investigator, "What now?" She said that she was going back to the station to work on it immediately and that the perp should be in custody by that night. We were eating dinner with my husband's parents when we got the call that he had committed suicide. I was so relieved and glad.... never thought I'd feel that way about a person's dying, but in this case, I did.
My husband, our children and I stayed with his parents and then my parents for a few nights to give the family of this man space to grieve and kept our distance out of respect for them. Keep in mind that this happened to the granddaughter of this man as well. This little girl and my daughter are great friends. I had some contact through messaging with the son, but other than that, we had not talked to any of the family. When we returned home, we were given the cold shoulder. I understand that this was a lot for their family to have to deal with, but they made me feel as if WE had done something wrong.
Let me back up a minute.... There was never an anonymous tip. The mother of the other child (which is also the daughter of the perp) went to the police, but did not want anyone to know that she was the one that told. We found out that my daughter had told the son of this man 2 weeks before we found out. The other child told her mother the day after my child told his son. Yet, no one told my husband and me. Thankfully, our little family was out of town for 1 week, but when we returned, my kids were next door with all of these people because they were playing and visiting with the grandchildren. OMGosh!! All of these adults knew that my child and his own grandchild had been abused by this monster, but NO ONE finds it necessary to tell us. My baby reached out to someone for help, but no one helped her. She was so scared to tell me and her daddy because she thought he would kill us. I think that she just got so tired of everything that she had to tell someone, and she trusted the son. And.... still, no one told us!! My little girl had to be traumatized and threatened for another week before we found out... even after 3 adults knew!! What in the hell? Yes, these are all relative of this man, but who thinks it is okay to know that a child has been abused and not tell the police or the parents?
I am so confused!! When we got home from my parents' house, the wife and the daughter of this man wanted NOTHING to do with us. The daughter told another neighbor to tell me that she just could not talk to me right now and that the kids did not need to play and that she just did not know how she and the wife were going to be able to look at my daughter!! Seriously??!! The neighbor that relayed the message told her that her daughter was involved too and that she had been abused also. She made the comment that he only abused her child once, but that he killed himself because he was so infatuated with my daughter!! OMGod!! After crying and calling my husband to come home from work, I went right on over to her house and told her that if she ever said another word about my little girl, I would stomp her butt into the ground!! (That is putting it very nicely) I have never been in trouble in my life nor have I ever been in a physical altercation, but on this day, I believe I would have hurt that woman!! The investigator just happened to be on the phone with her so, she heard everything I said. She came over to calm me down and tell me that I cannot be threatening people, but that if someone had said that about her daughter, she would be acting the same way.
I just do not understand these people!! The day the man killed himself, his daughter deleted and blocked me on facebook. I didn't kill the M-Fer!! I didn't molest her daughter!! She is even the one that finally did go to the police after knowing 2 weeks and wants to deny having anything to do with that!! She is acting as if her father has done NOTHING wrong!! She acts as if his death is such a tragedy and has not even acknowledged that he daughter was abused. She is too consumed with his death that she does not even act like she cares about what he did. We have yet to talk to the wife of this man. She sent her son over here to tell us that she just cannot talk to us right now either. Okay, fine. That is totally fine!! I don't mind that they have to grieve and all of that stuff, but we live here too!! This is our home and we are going to live and be happy whether they like it or not!! I realize that I am not in their position, but I just feel as if I found out that my husband had abused a child, I would want to offer my apologies and assure the family that I had no idea!! I just do not know what to think or feel about these people!! I have confronted the son that my daughter told. He told us that he knew he was wrong not to do anything right when she told him and I do understand that this was very hard to believe... I mean, there are still probably people that do not believe that he did this... they just better keep their opinions to themselves around me is all I know!! I just think that not only did this horrible monster do the unthinkable to my child, but she reached out to someone and they failed her!! My husband is still so furious with the son!! It takes all that he has not to go beat him down some days. UGH!!!!!! All of these people just seem so selfish and concerned about their own emotions that no one wants to acknowledge what really happened here.
I wish we could move!! I hate living here beside them where they seem to just go on with their lives, but when the wife sees one of us outside, she closes her curtains or turns her head!! WTH?????? WE DID NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!
We live right next door to the perp's family. As you all know, or if you haven't read in one of my other posts, the perp is dead... he killed himself the day after my daughter told us. So, here is how it all came about...
The day that my daughter told us, the perp and his son came over to tell my husband and me that there had been an anonymous tip given to the police that my daughter and his granddaughter were being abused and that his (the perp's) daughter was at the police station because they had called her to come in. We were all baffled at the accusation and figured someone was making this up because he had made someone at church or in the community mad. He did not tell us who was supposedly abusing the girls, but that we would all be questioned and that we would all have to stick together because we knew nothing had happened. I got a really weird and uncomfortable feeling and as soon as they left, I asked my daughter if someone had been hurting her in any way. She just began crying and would not tell us no so, we knew something had happened and we had to talk to her for 15 minutes and my husband had to leave the room for her to ever tell me who it was. Actually, she never said his name, she just nodded when I said his name. This is a man that has lived beside us for 10 years and has done a lot, and I mean A LOT for us throughout the years. He promised me and my husband that he would always be there for us and even when our families were not there, he was. He was not an all talk kind of person, he showed us that he cared... or so we thought.
We took my daughter to the police immediately for her to give her statement. He had told her that he would kill himself before he went to jail. He told her that he would start shooting at the police when they came to get him and make them have to shoot him. Because of his threats, they did not want us to even go home, so my in-laws came and got my kids from the police station and 3 police cars escorted my husband and me home to get our things to go stay with my in-laws. The next day, we took my daughter to a place that specializes in children's interviewing and statements for this kind of thing. She and my son were interviewed and on the way out, my husband asked the investigator, "What now?" She said that she was going back to the station to work on it immediately and that the perp should be in custody by that night. We were eating dinner with my husband's parents when we got the call that he had committed suicide. I was so relieved and glad.... never thought I'd feel that way about a person's dying, but in this case, I did.
My husband, our children and I stayed with his parents and then my parents for a few nights to give the family of this man space to grieve and kept our distance out of respect for them. Keep in mind that this happened to the granddaughter of this man as well. This little girl and my daughter are great friends. I had some contact through messaging with the son, but other than that, we had not talked to any of the family. When we returned home, we were given the cold shoulder. I understand that this was a lot for their family to have to deal with, but they made me feel as if WE had done something wrong.
Let me back up a minute.... There was never an anonymous tip. The mother of the other child (which is also the daughter of the perp) went to the police, but did not want anyone to know that she was the one that told. We found out that my daughter had told the son of this man 2 weeks before we found out. The other child told her mother the day after my child told his son. Yet, no one told my husband and me. Thankfully, our little family was out of town for 1 week, but when we returned, my kids were next door with all of these people because they were playing and visiting with the grandchildren. OMGosh!! All of these adults knew that my child and his own grandchild had been abused by this monster, but NO ONE finds it necessary to tell us. My baby reached out to someone for help, but no one helped her. She was so scared to tell me and her daddy because she thought he would kill us. I think that she just got so tired of everything that she had to tell someone, and she trusted the son. And.... still, no one told us!! My little girl had to be traumatized and threatened for another week before we found out... even after 3 adults knew!! What in the hell? Yes, these are all relative of this man, but who thinks it is okay to know that a child has been abused and not tell the police or the parents?
I am so confused!! When we got home from my parents' house, the wife and the daughter of this man wanted NOTHING to do with us. The daughter told another neighbor to tell me that she just could not talk to me right now and that the kids did not need to play and that she just did not know how she and the wife were going to be able to look at my daughter!! Seriously??!! The neighbor that relayed the message told her that her daughter was involved too and that she had been abused also. She made the comment that he only abused her child once, but that he killed himself because he was so infatuated with my daughter!! OMGod!! After crying and calling my husband to come home from work, I went right on over to her house and told her that if she ever said another word about my little girl, I would stomp her butt into the ground!! (That is putting it very nicely) I have never been in trouble in my life nor have I ever been in a physical altercation, but on this day, I believe I would have hurt that woman!! The investigator just happened to be on the phone with her so, she heard everything I said. She came over to calm me down and tell me that I cannot be threatening people, but that if someone had said that about her daughter, she would be acting the same way.
I just do not understand these people!! The day the man killed himself, his daughter deleted and blocked me on facebook. I didn't kill the M-Fer!! I didn't molest her daughter!! She is even the one that finally did go to the police after knowing 2 weeks and wants to deny having anything to do with that!! She is acting as if her father has done NOTHING wrong!! She acts as if his death is such a tragedy and has not even acknowledged that he daughter was abused. She is too consumed with his death that she does not even act like she cares about what he did. We have yet to talk to the wife of this man. She sent her son over here to tell us that she just cannot talk to us right now either. Okay, fine. That is totally fine!! I don't mind that they have to grieve and all of that stuff, but we live here too!! This is our home and we are going to live and be happy whether they like it or not!! I realize that I am not in their position, but I just feel as if I found out that my husband had abused a child, I would want to offer my apologies and assure the family that I had no idea!! I just do not know what to think or feel about these people!! I have confronted the son that my daughter told. He told us that he knew he was wrong not to do anything right when she told him and I do understand that this was very hard to believe... I mean, there are still probably people that do not believe that he did this... they just better keep their opinions to themselves around me is all I know!! I just think that not only did this horrible monster do the unthinkable to my child, but she reached out to someone and they failed her!! My husband is still so furious with the son!! It takes all that he has not to go beat him down some days. UGH!!!!!! All of these people just seem so selfish and concerned about their own emotions that no one wants to acknowledge what really happened here.
I wish we could move!! I hate living here beside them where they seem to just go on with their lives, but when the wife sees one of us outside, she closes her curtains or turns her head!! WTH?????? WE DID NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!
From the end of the earth will I cry unto you, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalms 61:2
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
I also related to the help part my step-dad did so many things for us also he was very handy had a woodshop so did lots of work in our home and my mom and step-dad were always there if I needed them for anything. They were there for the kids and apart of everything they did and we spent every holiday at their home. My mom loved having the kids over they had a huge home on property. They both have always gone to church and pray together and read regularly. It often seemed that my step-dad was so quick to do things for us it never gave us much chance to scrutinize what he was doing.
The one time thing hit me also because my step-dad had molested me shortly after marrying my mom it was touching under the shirt for what seemed like a long time. I believe he wanted more but I was thirteen so as soon as he stopped I hid until my mom came home. It took me a couple weeks to tell her and the next day she had me sit down with my step dad where he apologized said it was a mistake and he knew it was wrong. (the part I didn't know was he had told my mom a very different version which she believed over what I told her). That was that and I had to live with them until I graduated. It wasn't until I was thirty when I sought counseling the event never left my mind and finally with counseling I confronted him and understood the effects and what I believed really happened which was perpitrated abuse. I wanted him to do a lie detector but both him and my mom refused. He did do one-year of counseling with someone I knew was good in the field of sexual issues and in the end his counselor said he couldn't find any problem or addiction that would be concerning. He was like have boundaries if you want but not important for my kids. It was like the one time he did it to me didn't matter that was him making a mistake not a life-time pattern. I questioned this and it didn't make sense to me that a professional who must know the statistics that I knew that there isn't such a thing as a one-time offender and that this isn't something that just goes away on its own. In the end he come off as the exception (I now hate the exception) Anytime someone is trying to tell you they are the exception RED FLAG!!!! My counselor did say once was too many times and with her we setup boundaries but unfortunately it was illadvised. I was in no way prepared to protect my kids and although I constantly worried nobody seemed to care or be concerned. I also got from his counselor that my uneasy feelings were just lingering affects of the abuse I suffered. I needed so much more support and advice in this situation. My counselor thought a few boundaries would stop a pedophile. The only advice I should have received was no unsupervised by me or my husband visits or stays period. Instead she said my mom could be the person supervising hmmm does that seem odd the one person who didn't report or protect me is suppose to protect my kids. These matters need so much more care. The one thing I didn't want to happen that I thought I had done everything to prevent and protect and it wasn't nearly enough. I have let them both go for now I have my kids to worry about as much as I would love my mom to see the truth I know that isn't very likely. Sorry to run on these stories are never cut and dry.
Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. I try not to dwell on this or I just sink into depression and anger. The only consistent answer that I get is that everyone has free will, which I don't find all that comforting.