Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am so sorry to be a discussion board hog, but I needed to vent, yet again. Imagine that??
We live right next door to the perp's family. As you all know, or if you haven't read in one of my other posts, the perp is dead... he killed himself the day after my daughter told us. So, here is how it all came about...
The day that my daughter told us, the perp and his son came over to tell my husband and me that there had been an anonymous tip given to the police that my daughter and his granddaughter were being abused and that his (the perp's) daughter was at the police station because they had called her to come in. We were all baffled at the accusation and figured someone was making this up because he had made someone at church or in the community mad. He did not tell us who was supposedly abusing the girls, but that we would all be questioned and that we would all have to stick together because we knew nothing had happened. I got a really weird and uncomfortable feeling and as soon as they left, I asked my daughter if someone had been hurting her in any way. She just began crying and would not tell us no so, we knew something had happened and we had to talk to her for 15 minutes and my husband had to leave the room for her to ever tell me who it was. Actually, she never said his name, she just nodded when I said his name. This is a man that has lived beside us for 10 years and has done a lot, and I mean A LOT for us throughout the years. He promised me and my husband that he would always be there for us and even when our families were not there, he was. He was not an all talk kind of person, he showed us that he cared... or so we thought.
We took my daughter to the police immediately for her to give her statement. He had told her that he would kill himself before he went to jail. He told her that he would start shooting at the police when they came to get him and make them have to shoot him. Because of his threats, they did not want us to even go home, so my in-laws came and got my kids from the police station and 3 police cars escorted my husband and me home to get our things to go stay with my in-laws. The next day, we took my daughter to a place that specializes in children's interviewing and statements for this kind of thing. She and my son were interviewed and on the way out, my husband asked the investigator, "What now?" She said that she was going back to the station to work on it immediately and that the perp should be in custody by that night. We were eating dinner with my husband's parents when we got the call that he had committed suicide. I was so relieved and glad.... never thought I'd feel that way about a person's dying, but in this case, I did.
My husband, our children and I stayed with his parents and then my parents for a few nights to give the family of this man space to grieve and kept our distance out of respect for them. Keep in mind that this happened to the granddaughter of this man as well. This little girl and my daughter are great friends. I had some contact through messaging with the son, but other than that, we had not talked to any of the family. When we returned home, we were given the cold shoulder. I understand that this was a lot for their family to have to deal with, but they made me feel as if WE had done something wrong.
Let me back up a minute.... There was never an anonymous tip. The mother of the other child (which is also the daughter of the perp) went to the police, but did not want anyone to know that she was the one that told. We found out that my daughter had told the son of this man 2 weeks before we found out. The other child told her mother the day after my child told his son. Yet, no one told my husband and me. Thankfully, our little family was out of town for 1 week, but when we returned, my kids were next door with all of these people because they were playing and visiting with the grandchildren. OMGosh!! All of these adults knew that my child and his own grandchild had been abused by this monster, but NO ONE finds it necessary to tell us. My baby reached out to someone for help, but no one helped her. She was so scared to tell me and her daddy because she thought he would kill us. I think that she just got so tired of everything that she had to tell someone, and she trusted the son. And.... still, no one told us!! My little girl had to be traumatized and threatened for another week before we found out... even after 3 adults knew!! What in the hell? Yes, these are all relative of this man, but who thinks it is okay to know that a child has been abused and not tell the police or the parents?
I am so confused!! When we got home from my parents' house, the wife and the daughter of this man wanted NOTHING to do with us. The daughter told another neighbor to tell me that she just could not talk to me right now and that the kids did not need to play and that she just did not know how she and the wife were going to be able to look at my daughter!! Seriously??!! The neighbor that relayed the message told her that her daughter was involved too and that she had been abused also. She made the comment that he only abused her child once, but that he killed himself because he was so infatuated with my daughter!! OMGod!! After crying and calling my husband to come home from work, I went right on over to her house and told her that if she ever said another word about my little girl, I would stomp her butt into the ground!! (That is putting it very nicely) I have never been in trouble in my life nor have I ever been in a physical altercation, but on this day, I believe I would have hurt that woman!! The investigator just happened to be on the phone with her so, she heard everything I said. She came over to calm me down and tell me that I cannot be threatening people, but that if someone had said that about her daughter, she would be acting the same way.
I just do not understand these people!! The day the man killed himself, his daughter deleted and blocked me on facebook. I didn't kill the M-Fer!! I didn't molest her daughter!! She is even the one that finally did go to the police after knowing 2 weeks and wants to deny having anything to do with that!! She is acting as if her father has done NOTHING wrong!! She acts as if his death is such a tragedy and has not even acknowledged that he daughter was abused. She is too consumed with his death that she does not even act like she cares about what he did. We have yet to talk to the wife of this man. She sent her son over here to tell us that she just cannot talk to us right now either. Okay, fine. That is totally fine!! I don't mind that they have to grieve and all of that stuff, but we live here too!! This is our home and we are going to live and be happy whether they like it or not!! I realize that I am not in their position, but I just feel as if I found out that my husband had abused a child, I would want to offer my apologies and assure the family that I had no idea!! I just do not know what to think or feel about these people!! I have confronted the son that my daughter told. He told us that he knew he was wrong not to do anything right when she told him and I do understand that this was very hard to believe... I mean, there are still probably people that do not believe that he did this... they just better keep their opinions to themselves around me is all I know!! I just think that not only did this horrible monster do the unthinkable to my child, but she reached out to someone and they failed her!! My husband is still so furious with the son!! It takes all that he has not to go beat him down some days. UGH!!!!!! All of these people just seem so selfish and concerned about their own emotions that no one wants to acknowledge what really happened here.
I wish we could move!! I hate living here beside them where they seem to just go on with their lives, but when the wife sees one of us outside, she closes her curtains or turns her head!! WTH?????? WE DID NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!
We live right next door to the perp's family. As you all know, or if you haven't read in one of my other posts, the perp is dead... he killed himself the day after my daughter told us. So, here is how it all came about...
The day that my daughter told us, the perp and his son came over to tell my husband and me that there had been an anonymous tip given to the police that my daughter and his granddaughter were being abused and that his (the perp's) daughter was at the police station because they had called her to come in. We were all baffled at the accusation and figured someone was making this up because he had made someone at church or in the community mad. He did not tell us who was supposedly abusing the girls, but that we would all be questioned and that we would all have to stick together because we knew nothing had happened. I got a really weird and uncomfortable feeling and as soon as they left, I asked my daughter if someone had been hurting her in any way. She just began crying and would not tell us no so, we knew something had happened and we had to talk to her for 15 minutes and my husband had to leave the room for her to ever tell me who it was. Actually, she never said his name, she just nodded when I said his name. This is a man that has lived beside us for 10 years and has done a lot, and I mean A LOT for us throughout the years. He promised me and my husband that he would always be there for us and even when our families were not there, he was. He was not an all talk kind of person, he showed us that he cared... or so we thought.
We took my daughter to the police immediately for her to give her statement. He had told her that he would kill himself before he went to jail. He told her that he would start shooting at the police when they came to get him and make them have to shoot him. Because of his threats, they did not want us to even go home, so my in-laws came and got my kids from the police station and 3 police cars escorted my husband and me home to get our things to go stay with my in-laws. The next day, we took my daughter to a place that specializes in children's interviewing and statements for this kind of thing. She and my son were interviewed and on the way out, my husband asked the investigator, "What now?" She said that she was going back to the station to work on it immediately and that the perp should be in custody by that night. We were eating dinner with my husband's parents when we got the call that he had committed suicide. I was so relieved and glad.... never thought I'd feel that way about a person's dying, but in this case, I did.
My husband, our children and I stayed with his parents and then my parents for a few nights to give the family of this man space to grieve and kept our distance out of respect for them. Keep in mind that this happened to the granddaughter of this man as well. This little girl and my daughter are great friends. I had some contact through messaging with the son, but other than that, we had not talked to any of the family. When we returned home, we were given the cold shoulder. I understand that this was a lot for their family to have to deal with, but they made me feel as if WE had done something wrong.
Let me back up a minute.... There was never an anonymous tip. The mother of the other child (which is also the daughter of the perp) went to the police, but did not want anyone to know that she was the one that told. We found out that my daughter had told the son of this man 2 weeks before we found out. The other child told her mother the day after my child told his son. Yet, no one told my husband and me. Thankfully, our little family was out of town for 1 week, but when we returned, my kids were next door with all of these people because they were playing and visiting with the grandchildren. OMGosh!! All of these adults knew that my child and his own grandchild had been abused by this monster, but NO ONE finds it necessary to tell us. My baby reached out to someone for help, but no one helped her. She was so scared to tell me and her daddy because she thought he would kill us. I think that she just got so tired of everything that she had to tell someone, and she trusted the son. And.... still, no one told us!! My little girl had to be traumatized and threatened for another week before we found out... even after 3 adults knew!! What in the hell? Yes, these are all relative of this man, but who thinks it is okay to know that a child has been abused and not tell the police or the parents?
I am so confused!! When we got home from my parents' house, the wife and the daughter of this man wanted NOTHING to do with us. The daughter told another neighbor to tell me that she just could not talk to me right now and that the kids did not need to play and that she just did not know how she and the wife were going to be able to look at my daughter!! Seriously??!! The neighbor that relayed the message told her that her daughter was involved too and that she had been abused also. She made the comment that he only abused her child once, but that he killed himself because he was so infatuated with my daughter!! OMGod!! After crying and calling my husband to come home from work, I went right on over to her house and told her that if she ever said another word about my little girl, I would stomp her butt into the ground!! (That is putting it very nicely) I have never been in trouble in my life nor have I ever been in a physical altercation, but on this day, I believe I would have hurt that woman!! The investigator just happened to be on the phone with her so, she heard everything I said. She came over to calm me down and tell me that I cannot be threatening people, but that if someone had said that about her daughter, she would be acting the same way.
I just do not understand these people!! The day the man killed himself, his daughter deleted and blocked me on facebook. I didn't kill the M-Fer!! I didn't molest her daughter!! She is even the one that finally did go to the police after knowing 2 weeks and wants to deny having anything to do with that!! She is acting as if her father has done NOTHING wrong!! She acts as if his death is such a tragedy and has not even acknowledged that he daughter was abused. She is too consumed with his death that she does not even act like she cares about what he did. We have yet to talk to the wife of this man. She sent her son over here to tell us that she just cannot talk to us right now either. Okay, fine. That is totally fine!! I don't mind that they have to grieve and all of that stuff, but we live here too!! This is our home and we are going to live and be happy whether they like it or not!! I realize that I am not in their position, but I just feel as if I found out that my husband had abused a child, I would want to offer my apologies and assure the family that I had no idea!! I just do not know what to think or feel about these people!! I have confronted the son that my daughter told. He told us that he knew he was wrong not to do anything right when she told him and I do understand that this was very hard to believe... I mean, there are still probably people that do not believe that he did this... they just better keep their opinions to themselves around me is all I know!! I just think that not only did this horrible monster do the unthinkable to my child, but she reached out to someone and they failed her!! My husband is still so furious with the son!! It takes all that he has not to go beat him down some days. UGH!!!!!! All of these people just seem so selfish and concerned about their own emotions that no one wants to acknowledge what really happened here.
I wish we could move!! I hate living here beside them where they seem to just go on with their lives, but when the wife sees one of us outside, she closes her curtains or turns her head!! WTH?????? WE DID NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!
And neither did they. But they were probably still in incredible denial about what a monster this idiot was when all of a sudden he kills himself and now they have to grieve for him as well. They are grieving the guy you thought you knew -- generous-seeming and a pillar of the church. They probably are accustomed to thinking of themselves as sort of elite and blessed because of his position in the church, and now they are exposed as living in a house of horrors. I wouldn't normally give any leeway to people who don't act on a child's disclosure, but I'm trying to think of how their reaction would make sense. Simultaneous grief, humiliation and denial seem to explain it.
You shouldn't be the ones to move. And it was their father, not them, who created the problems, so they shouldn't have to move either. But I would be very surprised if they will want to remain in that house when they finally begin to grasp what really happened there.
For now, it would be best for you to write them off completely. They are closing their curtains and turning their backs, so it sounds as if they have already written you off. That makes it easier for them to wall off the truth. But you are not obligated to be neighborly either. Just don't march over there again and threaten anyone. Then you WILL get in trouble for something that was someone else's fault to begin with.
It's early. Once the shock of the suicide settles, and the realization that this guy was a serial child molester begins to dawn on others in your town, this family will begin to suffer for his sins. Life will not be pleasant for them. So breathe deeply and thank your lucky stars that at least HE no longer lives next door. You have lost people you thought were your friends. It's sad and startling. Good riddance.
Those who did not support our daughter 100% are no longer people we wish to talk to or spend any time with. I agree with Naïve, write these people off. They may come around and then again they may not. Many family members of perps remain in denial until the day that they die.
They are no longer your concern. Like Naive says, stay away from them. You will never get what you need from them. Focus on healing your precious daughter. I will say that I am very glad that this woman did go to the police even if it was anonymous. The world is a much better place without that loser in it. If these people won't move I would seriously consider moving your family. You don't need the aggravation and your daughter could benefit from getting away from the reminders of that POS.
You are not hogging this forum. I told my story to others many times here and it helped me to vent to others. Healing takes as long as it takes and it is better not to do it in isolation.
Hugs to you and your family,
Laura
In time you may need to consider living elsewhere, but that is not a decision for now. It's so hard when you haven't done anything wrong, you have invested in making your home what it is. You didn't choose your neighbours. As you know, we are making the decision to move. We gave it time and hoped that changing enough things in the home might be enough, but it isn't. You will know in your heart what the right decision is at the right time.
Hugs.
Just a thought, recently I heard Mrs. Sandusky comment on her husband and "all the vicious lies" about him....some people are incapable of seeing anything beyond what they want to believe. We all know how it feels o have our lives shattered. We have to accept these truths. I don't get why they cannot. Just take it one day at a time, one emotion at a time. Peace be with you.
Each post on here a contribution.
One way to recover from trauma is to help others in same situation.
Also each post on here allows each of us to mentally work through and integrate what has occurred to us.
We all feel support on here that we don't find anywhere else.
It also helps us validate our feelings to know others feel the same.
Sometimes there are disagreements on here - but for the most part right now - most people even if they disagree w someone it's more that there's an agreement to disagree. I hope it remains this way too .
Charity - you are a WONDERFUL contribution to this board.
I'm so happy ur with us!!! (Sad for ur family events)
One thing you help me feel human about is that you have such anger right now - and clearly you're someone w a very beautiful heart. It makes me feel human to know that my anger is ok too. We all want to get past this anger in the worst way because we want peace - but sometimes it's just right to be a pissed off mother duck for our babies.
I am so sorry for the stupid way your neighbors are acting. I hope that your neighbor want that every time she sees your sweet daughter that it reminds her what a fake sicko her dad was. I hope it's not that she's placing blame in any way on your daughter.
I also think this "it just happened one time" stuff is complete BS. I see several other times where scared kids try to tell a half truth to minimize what their abuser did. The grooming process takes a lot of time and effort for "just a one time". My son now says this too btw. When you read about how children disclose, they tell the least bit necessary to get the job done. So often their disclosure will start w tiny pieces of the story to test the waters and their feedback, and then eventually tell more and more if their feedback ok.
Maybe it was just once tho bc the kid gave some pretty fierce negative response to the abuser tho?
Either way - please hold your head high, keep your beautiful heart strong and pay little attention to their dysfunctional responses to the matter. You will see the se stupid responses other protective parents are reporting on here time and time again. It is shocking and amazing to witness personally - but unfortunately it is yet another aspect of this abuse that "commonly" occurs.
My in-laws don't believe my kids or me for a second - and I also believe even if they knew, they would be more interested in covering up their son than helping their grandchildren.
They too are sick people.
Hold your head high and love your baby. Forget your neighbors stupid distractions.
The other child that he supposedly "only did this once to" had already told my daughter that it happened A LOT!! It happened to both of them a lot. I really don't care if it did happen once... once it one time too many!! Anyway, I honestly feel as if the mother of the other child is feeling a lot of guilt because her dad committed suicide. I do feel bad for her in a way, but she is not going to get better or help her daughter by not facing reality. Her dad was not who we thought he was and the counselor that my daughter sees does not think that these two little girls were his first victims. She said he was too smart and obviously had practice. She said that she feels certain that he did this to his own daughter and that is a lot of why she is having such a hard time right now with all of this.
southrngrl, I am so glad that you all have found a place to move. I am also glad that the POS got arrested!! That is great news!! It is mean, but the thought that ran through my head was, "take that, you bunch of dumbasses!!" when you told me he was arrested. They don't arrest people for no reason. Wonder how that "benefit of the doubt" is going now?? It is just sad that she did not want to give her grandchild the benefit of the doubt!! Good grief!!
Please don't think I'm trying to say just once is ok.
I was just saying I don't believe the just once statement from a terrified kid - that it likely was much more.
Totally right just once is once too much!!! Yet for my kids I certainly would rather the just once were true.
I just wanted you to know that I really relate to the anger you have that they knew but didn't tell you. My brother new for months before my step-dad had violently assaulted her. If he told me right away the trauma my baby experienced would have I believe been much less. I know he regrets that decision. I still don't know the extent or how long but I do know it had been going on prior to even him knowing. So I festered with the anger for sometime until I realized that it just wasn't helping me. I had to make a choice for myself to either continue with burning anger toward my brother for a very bad choice or to be very thankful that he did finally intervene and if it hadn't been for him logging onto my stepdads computer in the first place I may not have known what happened for much longer time. Although what happened was horrific what could have happened even more so. I think of all the holidays and happy events my daughter would have had to be around the perp and heaven forbid she stayed with them again. So as hard as it was for me I knew for me only I needed to focus on the positive. My brother lives with horrible guilt over his choice as I can imagine I would also. The kindest thing I could do is to thank him for coming forward and putting a stop to this. I don't know if anything in your situation you could apply but it has helped with the anger. Another source of comfort I'd been meaning to post here for dealing with anger (it doesn't take much to find some aspect to be furious over) is to write one sentence about what is making me angry and find a scripture to give hope or a promise over that aspect. Here is my example for my brother.
My own brothers not standing up and speaking on my behalf, as they both know the truth.
Leviticus 5:1 If anyone sins in that he hears a public adjuration to testify and though he is a witness, whether he has seen or come to know the matter, yet does not speak, he shall bear his iniquity.
I write the problem on one side small and the verse on the other side then I roll it up really small with the verse on the outside and the problem inside it is like God's word is covering it. I also pray and claim the scripture before rolling it up. I have I think six or seven so far in a glass jar I keep over my sink. I can pull them out and read them if they surface again so far it has been wonderful because it keeps me focus on hope and healing not the insurmountable problems this causes.
Here are some more:
Not knowing everything he had done to my children.
Proverbs 15:3
The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.
Being exposed to perverse sexual information. Confusion about what was shown and experienced and understanding what is right and how God intended.
Proverbs 2:6 The Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. Vrs 9 Then you will understand righteousness, and justice and equity, every good path. Vrs 12 delivering you from the way of evil, from men of perverted speech who forsake uprightness to walk in ways of darkness who rejoice in doing evil men whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways. (whole passage is great)
He will not be brought to justice.
Proverbs 11:21 Be assured, an evil person will not go unpunished, but the offspring of the righteous will be delivered.
Proverbs 15:10 There is severe discipline for him who forsakes the way; whoever hates reproof will die.
Terror of him coming into her room at night and exposing himself.
John 1:5 The light shines in darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.