This might sound insensitive but I'm totally serious when I say this...
Maybe it's time for a vacation?!

That's the beauty with us doing our own homeschooling...right now, while we plan on working through the Summer, our main focus is healing and we have the ability to do so. We've taken quite a few min vacations to just help them FEEL like they've escaped the reality they deal with. Don't give up!

I remember very well feeling this way. I felt as if I couldn't trust my own instincts. One night when my husband was out of town on business, several months after disclosure when my daughter was still using drugs, and not doing well with sleeping, I lay with her all night so she wouldn't feel scared. It was so good to know exactly where she was, and safe! But the next day, as soon as we were out of bed, I was so frightened again that she was on the edge of suicide that I actually called the police to come over just because I was scared -- not scared of my daughter, but scared for her! There was nothing they could do of course, and it scared my daughter to have the police there. They could have found a reason to arrest us for a domestic dispute. It was insane! But I was On The Edge. It's horrible!!! And yet....you are correct, no one is coming out of the woodwork to help you -- you have to keep pulling it together and pulling it forward and it SUCKS. But YOU ARE DOING IT.

If you can do a vacation, great. Whatever -- get near some water and go for a walk. Sit and listen to the birds and crickets and focus on your senses in general.

I'm sorry can she go to the hospital and be admitted for suicide watch. It sounds like the situation is greater than you can handle alone. Sorry I don't have more support to offer but praying for you and your daughter a breakthrough!!! Hugs!!! I have my kids listen to Joel Osteen devotions or Joyce Meyer is good to something to insure. You don't have to make her listen just turn it on in the car or at home.

She spent 2weeks in a program for suicide and cutting.But then she comes back to reality and cant cope in the real world.I am trying to keep her busy,we have season passes to the pool,joined the ymca,she started dance class last week and we are finalizing getting her into the Big Sister program.Trouble is I sometimes cant get her to go anywhere,last night we were on our way to meet the home bound teacher and she cried hyterically and I had to cancel.now she is better,happy,hanging out with friends,she is so up and down its scarry,her downs are sooooooo down it is horrifying.She cut her arm yesterday,well scratched,but with a knife. I am out of options,her therapists are out of ideas,she starts with another therapist on Monday,that is 3 therapists she is seeing.They are grasping at straws,this abuse has messed her up so bad sometimes I dont think she will ever get over it.She yold the psychiatrist some things that horrified me,not about the abuse but things like she nwver stops thinking about suicide,that she self harms more than she tells me.I am terrified for her teenage years.I cant parent correctly because I am afraid to push too hard,and although I dont think she does it now she will notice and will take advantage of that.Vacation is not in thw budget this year but we were ok with that because we had alot of other stuff for her.Everyday she gets more depressed and I keep telling her to hang on,we are going to get through but honestly I dint know how, we are out of ideas,what will happen when she realizes we have tried everything? I feel like screaming "SOMEONE HELP US"

You're in my heart, Bonnieboo. I hope I didn't seem to ignore your real, present crisis in my earlier post by comparing it to something I went through. I was hoping to show understanding -- I know that these horrible times are really horrible, and terrifying....and yet, survivable.

You CAN parent "correctly" -- you ARE parenting correctly, because you keep doing everything possible to respond to your child's real needs. It's an unpredictable situation, but you are behaving predictably -- you're a constant support, and you're constantly respecting your child's situation. Is it possible to choose the "best" of the therapists your daughter sees? Do you see one as being more effective than the other? I wonder if the presence of so many therapists is confusing for her, or reinforces her sense of her being "crazy" in some way?

Did you come to any decisions about the Abilify? I don't remember if we have any experience with that -- my daughter was prescribed almost everything, so maybe we do.

THINKING OF YOU!!

I agree 3 therapists is a bit much but,therapist#1, we have been with her for 3years daughter loves her and she has helped.She is a hugh advocate for daughter with school and supplies notes and such whenever needed.She knows my daughter very well.Therapist #2 trauma therapist,only temporary free from advocacy center only deals with trauma and coping skills.She does not deal with depression and really only handles and teaches the ways the body and brain handle trauma.Therapist #3 the only reason we are seeing her is because I cant get a psychiatrist without seeing their therapist.I have tried ro find a psychiatrist alone but cant,its rediculous.I have not decided about the ambilify,she is already on 40 mg of prozac,I hate having her on meds she is only 12.

Bonnieboo11, I consulted a clinical psych I know about your situation/your daughter's situation (of course, she knows know more about your identity than I do -- which is almost nothing; I just gave her the basics of what you've been going through). Here are questions/ideas she said you might want to consider:


1.) Is mom (and dad, if he's involved) getting support for herself? This situation is so hard
to deal with and it could help mom tremendously to have an experienced, knowledgable therapist of her own.

2.) If mom/parents panic and feel desperate when the daughter gets upset, the whole
situation continues to escalate. Conversely, if mom/parents can remain more calm and hopeful, it will reassure
and help the child.

3.) It might be even more helpful if this therapist could work with mom/parents, and
also with the daughter (and in close cooperation with the daughter's primary therapist).

4.) What kind of medication (if any) is this girl taking? It sounds like she needs
both an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer (like Lamictal or Depakote). The rapid,
extreme mood swings that mom describes suggest the daughter is either not taking
appropriate meds, or might need the dose adjusted. With all children and adolescents, it's very important for mom/parents to give, and closely monitor, the child's medication - to be sure she's taking the meds
exactly as prescribed.

5.) why they have changed therapists so often - I hope this girl isn't seeing more than one individual therapist at a time! Way too confusing for her.

6.) Was there some coordination between the girl's outpatient treatment program, and
the other therapist(s)? Or were the parents expected to find a therapist on their own?
Some continuity between skills the daughter learned in the program, and the followup
outpatient therapist(s) would be very helpful.

7.) do the therapists this girl has seen specialize in work with children/adolescents? Sexual abuse survivors? How much experience/training do they have? Are the therapist(s) helping the girl learn ways to self-regulate her moods and behavior? Are they teaching mom/parents ways to help the girl calm down when she gets extremely
upset?

8.) - Are there other upsetting factors at home? Does the perpetrator (cousin) live in
the same town? Are there other family connections with this cousin?

Finally, she said: Clearly, every situation has unique aspects, but it sounds like there are a lot of ways in which this could be made better.

Bonnieboo11,

Just today my daughter was struggling to the point of tearing her room apart and yelling at her little brother's because she can't handle boys right now. She even broke down in church today. Her ptsd is in full swing today bringing a whole new memory that is really freaking her out inside. Tomorrow is her day to talk with her dad and I so I hope she'll share what she's struggling with. what I'm getting at is, you are not alone! There are numerous parents out there struggling through the load of b.s. that was flung on them because an evil individual used their child/Ren for their own selfish desires...nobody know how to parent THAT perfectly so give yourself some grace. Keep up your strength and keep advocating for your daughter, which includes reaching out when you don't know what to do! (See? Another way you're doing things right!) I think Naive1 had some good points that you might want to carefully consider. Again, my offer stands if your daughter wants to email with my daughter anonymously and share their struggles with each other.

You really need counseling to learn how to process this information more and cope, but also to learn how to respond to her better. You can't be melting into mush with her. it sounds harsh for me to say this - but some hospitals do not allow parents in with suicidal child because often the parents don't realize how roped in and enabling their behaviors are. In other words, with professional help, they are likely to teach you to change up your response as one way to help her. I think a child with severe issues as you are experiencing would be difficult for any lay parent to handle perfectly. But it's also logical that if a child is having severe issues, that a parent should absolutely learn some behavior modification techniques etc that would be provided to you at counseling.

Warriormom, thanks for the offer. I told my daughter the offer is there when she is ready, Naive,you are very kind, thanks for the support.I agree she needs some med adjustment.We saw the psychiatrist for the first time last week, she does not know my daughter and I understand that,she was very thourough but relied on myself and daughter to explain things to her which is hard to do, years into 1 session.When she suggested ambilify and if prozac was helping I really did not know what to say,prozac was working,she has been on it for 3 years.But then the side effects say suicidal thoughts.I don't know and the psychiatrist said she doesnt know either,i know my daughter best.But I need someone to say "lets try this" The trauma therapist is a gem,but as I said she is trained in trauma only.not regular therapy as we know it,we dont go in and talk about feelings,and such,she deals with brain workings and coping skills, it's hard to explain.The only reason I am going with yet another therapist is that the center where the psychiatrist is insists that all patients see their therapist,I can't find a private psychiatrist..When she was discharged we still were seeing her original therapist,who was involved in the discharge process,The hospital also told us there was only 1 psychiatrist in our network,private practice,and there was a waiting list,so we had to go with a center,not my first choice.Our original therapist is not trained in sexual abuse trauma,her training is in anxiety,and such but as I said daughter has been seeing her for 3 years and has a very close bond with her and does open up.In my opinion my daughter does need med adjustments,I am involved in her therapy and I am taught coping skills to help her,but when my daughter is in that frenzied frame of mind everything goes out the window.My daughter explains it to me like this,she uses bees as an example because she use to be terrified of bees and got stung EVERY summer, I always told her if she sees a bee she needs to stay calm,walk away slowly,but she did not,She would scream, run, arms flailing.Of course the bee chased her but I think we all know that in a panic we all do the same,hell if I ever met up with a bear I would run and not play dead.Imagine coming face to face with a bear and thinking "OK lets do my breathing exercises,close my eyes and imagine my safe place and squeeze my stress ball.yea ok.Her dad is involved but does not go to meetings,he literally works 12 hour days to keep us afloat.BTW cousin is in another state 9 hours away and we have instructed daughters grandparents to not mention them at all. I seriously think there is more that she has not revealed yet.She says strange little things, the other day I had to run into the dollar store,she stayed in the car,when i came out literally 1 minute later(really because it was a small store and they didn't have what I needed) she says something strange happened,She said some guy in a car drove by and was acting strange,i said how and she said he had his hand down his pants.Now first the way I was parked it would be impossible for her to see that if it were true.And second, I could tell sh was lying,you know that mom thing. I have to do something but not sure what else to do.

I get it, Bonnie -- the "wait, let me do my breathing" thing during a time of stress -- very few people have the presence of mind to do that. But if we practices breathing exercises regularly and conscientiously, the underlying sense of calm we discover can help see us through a lot of triggering moments. So it's more than "remember to do this" -- it's "make this a habit, and it may kick in when you need it."

You say your 12-yr-old daughter has been on Prozac for three years? I thought this was a recent attempt to help her with her PTSD. I hope your new psychiatrist will carefully explain to you the promise and limits of any drug he/she might recommend. Abilify might be a good choice if your daughter has begun seeing things you suspect, even with all your wisdom and compassion, may not have been. For example, even if your daughter was able to see a man driving by in a parking lot, it would probably be impossible, unless you drive a very tall car, and he were driving a convertible, to see where his hand was placed. This raises a red flag, to warn you that your daughter is either: A.) trying to tell you something about a real experience she had elsewhere, without saying it directly, B.) making stuff up to keep your attention on her (this doesn't make her a bad kid -- it may be self-protective when she's stressed -- but it's something you'll want to discourage effectively; check with her therapist), or C.) in need of a more targeted medication, such as Abilfy, that can help your daughter maintain a cohesive sense of reality. She may not need such a medication forever, but it sounds as if her stress may be getting extra wound up by imagining what else could go wrong?

So now, back to you....what are you doing to take care of YOURSELF??? You really, really need someone who is in your corner, professionally, to help you deal with all of this. Find someone, just for you, today. As I've said before, your daughter needs a strong model for self-care -- and you've been elected. Take care of yourself like it's your job. Because it is.

Also, please consider attending a NAMI family support group in your area. Talk about compassionate people -- I attended for awhile before deciding I really needed Al-Anon more, but I was so impressed with how kind and nonjudgmental the NAMI family support group members were. Here's Pennsylvania:

https://www.nami.org/Local-NAMI/Programs?classkey=72e2fdaf-2755-404f-a8be-606d4de63fdb

Here's Jersey:

https://www.nami.org/Local-NAMI/Programs?classkey=72e2fdaf-2755-404f-a8be-606d4de63fdb

Also, please have a look at this for some context about one possible source of your daughter's unpredictability:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inspire-rewire/201402/pruning-myelination-and-the-remodeling-adolescent-brain

96 I agree with you 100 percent.I turn to mush,we have been taught behavior modification therapy.I guess my point and frustration is nothing is working! Naive,yes she has been on prozac for 3 years,we doubled the dose 6 months ago.We put her on it to ease her OCD symptoms, thoughts stuck in her head,would not leave house,ect.I might have to try the ambilify.As far as seeing a man in a car it's funny what you said,the facility discharge summary did specify attention seeking behavior,has been a problem in the past also.We also have to be careful because she tends to take on others problems, strong scents give me headaches then all of a sudden it does the same to her,her friend gets stomach aches when she gets over heated and now daughter does too.The thing is she does not recongnize she does it. She is a very complicated case and is all over the place.I feel like wac a mole,when one thing is under control something else pops up.I try not to add more stress but her and I butt heads at every turn.On top of everything else those tween hormones,I had a very difficult adolescence and I am afraid she is doomed to have one too.I so appreciate everyones help and suggestions,And as a kicker we were starting her new therapist today and the woman is sick and had to cancel,so now 2 more weeks to wait!!!!

"Nothing is working"???
How about reorganizing your expectations...
Maybe it is working but you have to work on your own patience and anxiety
Maybe you successfully prevented something worse. That's the psychological twist to your sense of doom - we NEVER know what we successfully prevented - because it never happened nor do we know what would have happened, all we are left to know is a false sense of failure sometimes... But also??? Did you do your best to help her? Do you have any regrets about how you handled matters? I think it would be a big mistake not to get your own counseling for example... Because there's insight and knowledge you're overlooking that can be a tool for you. That aside from everything else, there may be things you figure out in hindsight that you could have done better. Are you learning from those things and implementing change?
If you're working on all this, then most likely you are being effective toward change.

Remember when it comes down to this, this was the perps fault. Remember to place the blame where it is appropriate. And although it is hard to create a division between the two, you have to remind yourself to learn from your mistakes and that does come with some self blame for not seeing what you should have... But the real true blame lies on the perp. The perp created this disaster you are now charged with cleaning up - and it is NO lay persons task. It's not a broken nail, it's serious psychological trauma.

Btw - read about conversion disorder and see what you think.