Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am so furious that with our case barely closed, and the promise from the monster child's parent to "watch him like a hawk," but that he's already back attending our local kid's group! This was the group we had originally asked them to please let us have! ( It's literally a 1 minute drive from our house!) Then they persisted in asking if their other children could at least go and because my husband perceived they weren't going to back down, he said "sure, whatever." So we lost this one last piece of normality for my kids (remember the year before we had to weed a lot out of our lives due to my oldest having cancer). Mind you, we had already told them how bad this situation had gotten and they at this time knew that it was probably heading in the direction of the police department. We had specified that our daughter had disclosed to us things that led us to believe this was going to end up being rape, but they were still in denial at that time.
Literally our case was just closed last week and already they have him attending this group again. As far as I know I'm not even sure their CPS case is closed! And after all this there was no retraction of their other children coming and saying "oh please you get to have this group we feel so bad for what happened to your children." But instead they rub it in our face by having this child attend less than a mile away from our home! But the worst part is that at least two families that have been supporting me through this last 8 months are struggling with whether or not to continue to attend because they now know the truth about him. And when one of those moms approached the leader of the group with concerns about why this child was back, ( because we had been discussing with this leader from the very beginning the seriousness of why we were not there but I had never followed up with him about whether it had happened actually at this club since my children only recently disclosed that to me), so his response to her was "it never has happened at this club so he is allowed to come."
So now yet another problem has landed on my shoulders to try to help fix. I have to go in and talk to this leader and let him know the update about the facts. My one friend who actually is a leader in the group that he's in, is feeling very burdened with not telling anybody else of the group that's in charge. I have to keep reminding her that we really couldn't share with people if we don't need to for legal reasons and also to protect my children's privacy. She's seriously considering leaving due to this child because she can't look at him anymore the same since she knows the truth behind who he really is. She shared with me that he was trying to connect with her four-year-old daughter while she was teaching up front and it really made her freak out. And the way that the parents are watching this child like a hawk at this group? They have his older brother, my oldest son's ex best friend, staying with him during the group and "helping." This family has persisted in lying to keep its family intact and honestly this older son is one of the worst Liars of the family. We (he&I ) have had many conversations and one of them involved him swearing he would never tell about something really bad that his bigger brother had done because that was his brother and he wasn't going to betray him. And to make it even funnier? This is the same Big Brother that we believe was teaching this monster child inappropriate things!
So I have to try to salvage this group before people start leaving because even though I know that sounds like a great thing for us, ultimately this group would probably shut down if the people that I know leave. And I really don't want that to happen just because this one kid has returned. So I'm hoping that if I share the truth with the leader, he'll do the right thing. Unfortunately I know that if I share the truth with the leader, he will probably tell the pastor of the church and in so doing might end up just shutting down the group anyways because the pastor has been looking for an excuse to do so for a while. The thing I wonder is does this monster family know about the episodes happening at this group because it was part of all of the written disclosures that I had submitted to the police? I'm just getting really frustrated with their whole reaction to this thing... :/ :( >:[
Literally our case was just closed last week and already they have him attending this group again. As far as I know I'm not even sure their CPS case is closed! And after all this there was no retraction of their other children coming and saying "oh please you get to have this group we feel so bad for what happened to your children." But instead they rub it in our face by having this child attend less than a mile away from our home! But the worst part is that at least two families that have been supporting me through this last 8 months are struggling with whether or not to continue to attend because they now know the truth about him. And when one of those moms approached the leader of the group with concerns about why this child was back, ( because we had been discussing with this leader from the very beginning the seriousness of why we were not there but I had never followed up with him about whether it had happened actually at this club since my children only recently disclosed that to me), so his response to her was "it never has happened at this club so he is allowed to come."
So now yet another problem has landed on my shoulders to try to help fix. I have to go in and talk to this leader and let him know the update about the facts. My one friend who actually is a leader in the group that he's in, is feeling very burdened with not telling anybody else of the group that's in charge. I have to keep reminding her that we really couldn't share with people if we don't need to for legal reasons and also to protect my children's privacy. She's seriously considering leaving due to this child because she can't look at him anymore the same since she knows the truth behind who he really is. She shared with me that he was trying to connect with her four-year-old daughter while she was teaching up front and it really made her freak out. And the way that the parents are watching this child like a hawk at this group? They have his older brother, my oldest son's ex best friend, staying with him during the group and "helping." This family has persisted in lying to keep its family intact and honestly this older son is one of the worst Liars of the family. We (he&I ) have had many conversations and one of them involved him swearing he would never tell about something really bad that his bigger brother had done because that was his brother and he wasn't going to betray him. And to make it even funnier? This is the same Big Brother that we believe was teaching this monster child inappropriate things!
So I have to try to salvage this group before people start leaving because even though I know that sounds like a great thing for us, ultimately this group would probably shut down if the people that I know leave. And I really don't want that to happen just because this one kid has returned. So I'm hoping that if I share the truth with the leader, he'll do the right thing. Unfortunately I know that if I share the truth with the leader, he will probably tell the pastor of the church and in so doing might end up just shutting down the group anyways because the pastor has been looking for an excuse to do so for a while. The thing I wonder is does this monster family know about the episodes happening at this group because it was part of all of the written disclosures that I had submitted to the police? I'm just getting really frustrated with their whole reaction to this thing... :/ :( >:[
I meant, it's understandable that she's struggling with this awful information about her son, and disbelief and denial are her chosen ways of dealing with it. I know it was terribly difficult to accept that my daughter was a substance abuser; when she told us about it, she said she had already quit. I was still used to thinking of her as a perfect angel, and her drug-using behavior had all been in secret, away from her dad and me. It took many months for me to absorb how serious her problem had been, and still was -- to realize that her drug abuse was NOT over, and she needed the maximum amount of help. So what I'm saying is that in spite of having been told outright, investigated by CPS, and shown evidence, it may take a long time to your ex-friend to accept the truth. It's quite possible that she's just a horrible hypocrite, but she may also not have had that "come to Jesus" moment where she realizes (even if the rest of the family refuses to accept it) that her son is a real threat.
I feel you're being too kind to the Hitler family.
They're not Christain. They're not your friends. They never were your friends. They're self interested, selfish and masters of deception. They are FAR more HARMFUL than the obvious doofus thief. This is called what I have come to recognize as sophisticated abuse. Their child is not their black sheep of the family, he is their evil spawn and learning the masterful ways of his deceptive parents.
The system - CPS and the like is incapable and unwilling to recognize sophisticated abusers. They want to catch the obvious guy. The guy that's too poor for a grand defense and a trail of obvious undeniable evidence. They don't want to catch the personality disordered sophisticated abusers - those people fight back and sue and prolong litigation... They go after licenses. They are a true threat to CPS etc who care more about their personal lives, their own families than to take down someone who is risky to them.
Certain kinds of people have an affect onto others that our subconscious responds to but we are not self aware while this is happening.
Time and time again you will hear people say "if you're going to accuse someone of sex abuse, you better have overwhelming evidence first". Why do you that people say this? Especially when statistically "the perp is always guilty". Logic would say if 0-2% of children lie about this, and only 1.3% of mothers who allege this are maliciously fabricating, that you wouldn't need so much evidence to convict. That right there should tell you law enforcements willingness to go after these people because as a whole, child perpetrators are intimidating, often sophisticated and personality disordered.
That this child is behaving this way is no mystery.
Especially when you see how his mother really is - liar and deceptive.
You ought to stop feeling all hurt from a relationship that was never there, isn't there and will never be there, and start focusing on what it is about yourself that allowed you to be deceived by this woman and that you continued to care about her and still shocked each time you thought she was so kind.
Your job is to care for your children. You are their guardian. You need to make decisions for the benefit of your children, NOT for the benefit of the Hitler family.
In other words, you should be advocating for your children to recover damages for them that they encountered from the Hitlers. It's almost like it's your responsibility to - because who are we as parents to determine they don't deserve to be compensated?
Furthermore, the court records will always be your truth in writing...
When you piss people off, sometimes it's because you did the right thing.
When you're friends to some and your extend courtesies, sometimes that can even make you a traitor.
I think you ought to seriously reconsider that civil suit. Especially given the entire lack of remorse.
My husband is a county attorney.
He had a lawyer with him at every CPS interview.
You know how painfully disturbingly obvious my children's situation is.
All along people were thrilled to escape confronting him and chose the path of least resistance - calling me a coacher and intentionally obscuring evidence that incriminates him / exculpated me.
Now there is evidence coming about and people are lawyering up for advice how to handle the evidence they have as mandated reporters that now incriminates him in a nearly undeniable level.
No one ever lawyerd up to accuse me of anything...
I viewed the FBIs 10 most wanted list last night
Guy was a member of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and did missionary work...
It's oh sooooo much more culpable than Joe Schmo who committed the same crime but did not muddy the perception of good faith people.
In regards to skeletons, oh trust me, I KNOW there are because I still don't know why monster child's biological dad is in jail and will never see him again...nor do I know the reason this child acted out on my kids which I KNOW my friend does because when we were still on a talking basis and I asked her if counseling had shown why, she gave me a very painful/disturbed look and said "we'll have to talk about it later." So I'm not in some naive state and thinking their life is all unicorns and puppyou dogs! All I can affect is those around them to be more aware but I can't make them deal with their reality! Thank God people know our family is upright and not liers...otherwise, you know, our story DOES sound a little crazy! But, especially after coming off a year of cancer and almost losing my husband, who in their right mind would think we would bring these current circumstances on ourselves if it wasn't true?! Why would my daughter AND 2 sons lie about this?! Why would I lie about this and lose the family that has always been there to help me?! Why would we want to have to rebuild our entire circle of friends from the ground up after losing so much due to cancer?! Why would we still be pursuing this monster child case if really it was our cancer-patient son who did all this but his case was closed and he's not even living with us anymore?! Why would I continue to speak with the system about other children being possible victims if CPS, the monster's family and the detective all think that both myself and my daughter are exaggerating or trying to mis-direct blame?! It's twisted thought processes that lead ALL these individuals to swallow their form of truth. It's foolish, stupid, illogical, dismissive of where we were in our life, etc. I'm still amazed that nobody is really taking this seriously. It's beyond my imagination.
As for the civil lawsuit, we ARE doing what is best for ALL of our children. From the start our "friends" have tried to throw blame on our oldest, cancer-patient son who did do inappropriate things with his sister. But healing is happening amongst our children and my daughter literally screeched with joy about him almost being back home for medical tests! And he's doing so well in counseling being totally honest and working through the cancer year and what set him up for failure with his sister. If we pursued a civil lawsuit, his name would be trampled on and dragged through the mud and I'm sure, I can't even imagine how badly, lied about by this family. My son spent a lot of time at their house (but honestly never saw anything; we've spoken in depth and he was shocked at the little we've shared about his siblings.) There are just too many things they could try to manipulate to fit their "story." It would ruin my family even more, especially my self emotionally. I HAVE to stay strong to help my WHOLE family heal...even my husband and struggling oldest son. We are starting to see the light of possible "normality" hitting us soon. I will not jeopardize that for the possibility of monetary compensation after an intense battle! Plus the other family has money for lawyers...we are still trying to catch up on mortgage. So I hope you see my point of view better.
Thanks for all your responses. I really look forward to reading other's insight! I also enjoy the sense of community we have together. :)
Look
We're just here to give you support and other ideas / perspectives to consider. Nothing else.
If you have more in depth reasons for doing or not doing smth - all U need to say is that the situation is more complicated and diverse. You don't need to justify or prove anything to us / me.
It makes you stronger to put many other ideas together to come up with a best solution.
I want for every protective parent to be as strong as he / she can be. This is a very difficult battle. Not good to go it alone :-)
I feel I need to clarify that any frustration or explanation was due to my own personal feelings towards our situation (i.e. the system) and to just help you guys, strangers to what we know all too well, better understand why/what I write. I'm kinda a wordy explainer naturally so expanding on an answer is kinda normal! ;) No ill will intended! And the whole reason I continue to write is because I LOVE hearing all your outside perspectives! And didn't your husband have cancer?
Naive1,
You are oh so right on pondering how we have survived what we have! I haven't even begun to expand on the past couple of years but when I read what I've already wrote it's a surreal out-of-body experience digesting the content as being MY life! And yes, 1 thing we all have in common that "normal" people don't get is the concept of brokenness that sexual abuse plays on a family both internally and externally...that is where we can all really support each other through stuff that most couldn't.
Btw, my oldest just came in to town tonight and everyone got along great when we picked him up from the airport! The hardest part was when he and my husband had to go sleep at my mom's (it being my mom, we can't let him be there alone). Everybody cried when they both left because they just want a normal family again! And my poor son...remember he lost his best friend too, the older brother of the monster child...I found out tonight that he wears the same jacket and hat almost every day because it has his friend's favorite character on it so it's his way of grieving the loss of his friend. :(
Good :-) ya. I kinda thought maybe your wordy explanation meant I stepped on Ur toes.
Yes my husband had cancer :-)