Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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lacy456 09/03/2014

I am not sure how I got here, something just kept sending me here reading all the post. A lot of you gave me comfort for a long time and didn't even know it. I new inside by reading I was not alone. My 3 year old was raped, I cant believe I actually just typed that. By her 15 year old cousin. We believed this happen once until court, we then found out this was going on for long time. My family is devastated! I am married I have 3 other children 18, 16, 12 who are all struggling. They are wanting to blame them selves for not seeing it! I myself do this everyday, I rip my self apart. I cant think of a time or opportunity he had but the one day he babysat, and I feel so guilty for not seeing the signs. I am on the other hand soooooo proud of my daughter for telling us, she was a very brave girl! The day after her 4th birthday she told us like she was watching a movie she just verbally vomited.

Our worlds turned upside down that day, but that day we as a family formed a circle around her like you would not believe... What I was not prepared for was the outside family....All through court this was a joke to my brother/fiance and his ex-wife! These people laughed through court, texted, made faces with there son, and made a mockery of our daughters trial. There son giggled, drew pictures showing his parents, played with another inmate it was disgusting. At one point his fiancé would make comments "Bull shit that didn't happen" even THEIR professional witness stated "He was in denial and has yet to own up to what he did except confess to more accounts" He was finally convicted last week 3 felony counts (sodomy, sexual assault 1, sexual assault 2) as a juvenile, and can be locked up till he is 25! Yea but I have also been tore up by there actions I can't even explain, but it gets worse

We live on the same property as my parents separate house! We are building another house to get out of here, but it will be three months. I am not sure if I am over reacting because my emotions are sooo tore up I can't see straight or are they valid, But my parents keep making this worse, They are inviting my brother (the victims father) to the property(BTW he also believes what happen is what kids do!) He tried to pull out of the long drive way at a high rate of speed and throw rocks at me with his truck, and speed around a blind corner were the kids were. He drives by my 16 year olds work and flips her off, and Yesterday my 4 year old who knows what's going on with the victim (jail) but not the father, she does not understand that dynamic. Yelled "Uncle **" I didn't hear him pull in, she ran up to him, he jumped into the car and slammed the door shut in her face and proceeded to back up a full size pick up with her standing there. She fell to the ground crying. She does not understand why. If I was there I would of pulled him out of the car and punched his face. I yelled at my parents to please keep him from coming here till we move, you don't understand what the impact this could have on her and all of this. (the other kids removed my daughter from the scene) I explain, their son raped her do you not get the impact of making her feel like its her fault, she is in counseling and you all are treating this like it's a joke! Keep him from here! My own mother stated "you can't call it rape if he was not charged with rape" I stood there and about lost it, 25 years of pain flashed through my face in 1 second! 25 years ago my mother said "I can't take her to the hospital that's where I work, do you know how I would look" ... At that moment I realized I would never look at them the same, those words were un-repairable! I went home got the juvenile codes for rape, emailed them to them with a not so nice letter! I guess what I am trying to ask is do I have the right to feel betrayed by my parents, I feel like they are not protecting the best interest of my child's healing, welfare, and safety. For gods sake its for 3 freaking months or am I over reacting. Any reply helps I am in an emotional hell and at the end of my rope

Naive1 09/04/2014

Lacy456, I understand your earlier impulse to want to delete everything you said. I sometimes wonder if I have "told too much" here, and I have more than once clicked "send" too soon on an email, with embarrassing results! However, I also wonder how much of that impulse is a result of your mother's reaction to your disclosure, 25 years ago; the moment you told her, she made you feel as if telling had been a mistake. Well, I am SO glad you shared your story and asked for feedback, because there is more than enough of a sense of "aloneness" for everyone on the "survivor" side of this trauma -- child, parents, siblings. We need MORE telling, and more healing.

vengefuldad 09/05/2014

Glad to be of service. Question. How is your husband handling all of this? There is not a lot of info on how fathers deal with these issues. Unfortunately 90% of the time the abuser is a male that lives in the home, which is probably why. Dudes handle things differently. We internalize our pain because we are "Men". Manly men. We're Men in TIGHTS, YES! (Robin Hood, Men in Tights reference. Sorry, I couldn't resist typing that.) But we feel we have to be macho and bulletproof for our families. You may want to check in with him from time to time. I hid my rage so well my daughter didn't even think her out cry bothered me that much. It wasn't until I explained why, that she understood that I was being strong for her. For instance, my machoness won't allow me to go to therapy. Which I probably need. But to me, therapy is admitting I am weak and I can't do that. It is showing weakness to myself and to my family. To me it says I can't handle what has happened to my daughter. So, I spend my time in dude therapy. I lift weights, I hit punching bags, practice snapping joints, choking people out, and putting bullets into targets. Man stuff. And it does help. My wife doesn't ask me if I am ok because she knows I will say I am fine. I do want to talk, but I just can't. So I tell her I had a rough day and I just need a good workout to work through my anger and she understands. She doesn't even know I post here. This is my little secret counseling session. Just a dude's perspective.

Naive1 09/05/2014

Going to therapy means you have the strength to examine issues from the inside out. It can be a very painful process at times, but it allows you to release some of that rage in nonviolent ways. This helps you recover some of the faith you had in yourself before you learned about your daughter's abuse. I think this idea that guys don't do therapy is very strong within police forces and the military. However, the VA offers extensive psychotherapy services, and they are very strongly recommended for warriors experiencing PTSD -- which is what you have, too. The discovery that someone has hurt the person you love most, and robbed you of the ability to help her all those years ago, is so debasing and enervating. The emotions that follow are post-traumatic shock -- believe it.

I wish there were a "www.fosac.net," like www.mosac.net, which offered more of a father's perspective. Certainly, you have found effective ways to expend your angry energy, and it's harmless in the sense that you are not hurting a real person. However, keeping this pain all to yourself can be corrosive, and eat away at your insides and sense of self-worth. Your wife may actually benefit from your sharing this with her; she may be feeling as if she's the only one who's hurting. You need each other. WE need each other. This fight is lonely enough. Your wife may appreciate knowing that you are posting here, too. Maybe she needs to do so as well.

lacy456 09/05/2014

Vengefuldad: My husband tries to hide his anger, we all see it. Thankfully he sometimes talks about it. He is having all the same testosterone fueled emotions you have described. When we left court on lunch breaks we could clearly notice he was walking with his fist clenched and looked like a ticking time bomb. I actually didn't notice it, I was crying and in distress but my oldest daughter whispered it in my ear. I pulled him aside and we just hugged. I could feel him shaking. This has devastated him. My nephew (the perpetrator) was a son to him my brother was going through a nasty divorce. Both parents treated their kids like garbage. For the last 5 years the kids were at our home A lot. Our home was their safe haven. The oldest nephew was their verbal punching bad and emotional pawn. We had a very tight bond with this child. The devastation to find out the whole time he was in our home we were protecting him from harm, he was harming us he has ripped the family to emotional shreds. We spent countless hours and days helping this kid. Defending this kid, special kid dates with this kid, defending him in court. Then in the end convicting him in court for tearing his :safe haven" into a nightmare! My husband is emotionally sick! At first he was stuck in this sick oh so sick world of feeling like the parents are to blame for this (this has not changed). Wanting to feeling if they didn't abuse this kid so bad then this wouldn't of happen, hating and wanting to kill him, but worried for him (as in what the hell did he do to his life, why?). Then hated himself for questioning it. Wanted to know who did this to him. Then as days went by in the beginning my daughter talked more and more about what happen she is now 4 years old this comes out often, this changed everything. The anger set in, he was out for blood. Every time we were in court I had to sit really close, as my nephews parents would giggle, make faces at their son, or be assholes I was afraid I would have to side tackle my husband to the ground so I didn't loose him to jail. I did have to giggle once, a cop kept standing near us and I could not figure out why. I found out later, the perp's parents said my husband gave the perp a dirty look and the parent's said it made him feel uncomfortable. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! So just to be an ass the whole damn family joined in on the dirty looks, just for shits and giggles. In the hall way when they walked him in. I will not be scared by their tactics, I am pissed and you will know it! I found that interesting, they disrespected court officials, were obnoxious in court but my husband give a dirty look and they have a cop stand by us..Talk about screwed up Anyways I have noticed my husband has his days, some days he comes home and he spends hours out chopping up fire wood, last week I sent him out bow hunting for the weekend with the guys. Other nights we sit outside and vent, and sometimes we don't talk about it. I told him yesterday I found this site, maybe he will bite and take a look :)

vengefuldad 09/05/2014

Naive1, I totally agree with everything you said. But getting past the cop and the man in me is easier said than done. Right now I just want her to be OK. I want her to go to therapy. I want her to grow up and be as well adjusted as possible. I say to myself "She needs help now. I can work on myself later." I know I seem really angry here and that's because when I get really mad about her situation, I post my feelings. Lacy456 take note of that. Being able to anonymously talk about how you're feeling here REALLY helps. So whenever you are feeling really pissed come type it out. Just rant to your hearts content.

As I was saying, I am actually in really good spirits most of the time. My anxiety levels peak when I take my daughter to counseling sessions. When I see something on TV about child abuse. When my daughter shares something about her childhood living with her mother. She tells me often that I am the funniest person she knows. But man, when I get ramped up it usually takes a few days to work through it. That's when it becomes hard to focus on things and sleep. But even then, no one knows it. Between suicides, homicides, and unthinkable sexual crimes cops develop the ability to emotionally detach ourselves. If we couldn't we would all eat a bullet breakfast after a few years on the job. But when it happens to our own children our armor cracks. We all have PTSD. That's why we don't live very long after retirement.

Bandmom5 09/05/2014

Lacy, I just wanted to add my voice of support for you and your family. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, but I'm glad you found this group, and that you were courageous enough to post your story, and your need for support. It took me almost 6 months of reading posts before I found the where-with-all to create an account and post something, and that was almost 4 years ago. Here, we all have been down this road; some are here a shorter time, some longer; some travelled very different roads, some very similar; but we're all here to give and/or get support. It helps to let things out, and it helps to help others too. There is a way to get your post deleted by going through a Daily Strength site administrator by clicking Help in the upper right corner of your homepage and then go under FAQs. But I'm very glad you didn't and were able to let others respond so you could be supported.

I'm in agreement with what others have posted. Please come here anytime you need to give or get help or info, or just to vent. You're doing the right things. You are a true blessing to your family. Anyone who is not willing or able to be fully supportive of all of you is a danger to your healing process, and you have every right to set strict boundaries regarding their interaction with you all. In your situation it's difficult since you need to stay there for another few months, but it may be something you and your husband can talk about and explore CALMLY, as if you were talking about what to put on the shopping list. Possibly when the kids are in bed, together you can come up with some ideas of how you can create a safe environment for yourselves inside and outside your home, and create short, neutral responses for any necessary interaction with others who are not in your "camp." Having a plan in place can hopefully alleviate some of the anxiety and fear.

The splitting hairs on the rape terminology also angers me; I'm a crisis response team member for domestic violence and work with several local police departments; I've never seen the word rape on a report or a list of charges. In my state there are several definitions of penetration that I won't go into here, but as Vengefuldad said, it's called sexual assault, and there are varying degrees, all felonies. My suggestion is that you disregard any asinine language from anyone not supporting you, and you let it drop from you like "dust from your sandals." You need your energy and clear thinking for far more worthwhile things.

It's a good idea to visit the mosac site Naïve mentioned above--I found it so very helpful, educational and comprehensive. I also agree with her thoughts on counseling-- it's a very strong, brave person that allows a professional to hear their issues and guide them through the process of dealing with them in a healthy way so they won't keep emerging, sometimes in more advanced ways, as they pass through other stages in their life. We were not born with the capability to counsel ourselves--we don't have the training or the impartiality necessary. Also, sometimes we have to go through a few of them before we find the right "fit."

Lacy, my heart goes out to you and your family, and I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers...

Bandmom5 09/05/2014

By the way, I haven't done the punching bag thing but know other moms that did, I did however take up archery and dart throwing.

lacy456 09/05/2014

Thank You Bandmom! Everything you type has been so helpful, Vengefuldad THANK YOU! It has given me insight to my husbands inner pain and from a fathers point of view.. You have helped another family in more ways then you can imagine. I am hugging you through this screen. I am so sorry you are going through this hell too, I hope someday I can give you as much advise as you have given me! Everyone you don't understand the last 24 hours I have felt some relieve just talking, I am glad I didn't walk away. All of your words have took me out of the darkest hole I was in, I truly felt alone almost to the brink of breaking. This is the first time I have been able to type without crying my eyes out. I have not vomited in 24 hours, sorry TMI. The thoughts have not stopped but I know I am not alone, it saddens me in that statement but it comforts me to know someone else understands, I'm not crazy. Its not my husband, my kids, or my friend it's another fighter. If you all can fight this there is hope for me to. I actually catch my self think, I hope so and so is having a better day, or "we can do this." It's not just me I know that's weird but it seems to keep me going THANK YOU TO YOU ALL.

vengefuldad 09/05/2014

Wow, Lacy456, I actually got a little teary eyed reading your last post. Your description of your husbands emotions were spot on with me. It was like reading my own feelings. The day after my daughter made her out cry, I sat in front of that dipshit's house, gun in hand. I thought of all the reasons not to hand down my own justice. But the only reason I could think of to go ahead and do it was revenge. I thought about what it would do to my family. I thought about how I could get away with it. I finally called my Lieutenant and he talked me down. But I was ready and willing. I was even ready to kill my ex-wife so my daughter would not have to go back and live with her. I knew going back to her mom's abuse would probably result in her suicide. I took the rest of the week off and my wife kept constant tabs on me. But it was hard. My wrists ached and my shins were bruised from my heavy bag. It took a week to purge my anger. I am not a drinker or a smoker so I was on a physical exertion regimen. I was frustrated on how many articles there were about mothers coping with the abuse of their child but nothing for dads. I was frustrated how dads are portrayed in society. And I was frustrated with how many screwed up dads out there were abusing children. Even this site says on the top right of this page. "We welcome both Mothers and Fathers." Most groups are geared toward moms. And moms are the vast majority. But it really makes a man feel alone. You don't think there is anyone out there that can truly relate to your perspective. Moms nurture, Dads hand down discipline and protect the tribe. Believe me when I say that this affects a man in the most primal way possible. Enemy attack tribe, man go kill enemy (insert cave man voice). Like I said, we aren't as evolved as we like to think we are. It is really hard to suppress that primal urge. And I am not trying to play down the way it affects moms. We are just wired differently and experience emotion differently. I feel I have an advantage being a cop and having spent years developing the ability to emotionally detach. I can't imagine dealing with this without it. In the long run it will probably bite me in the ass but for the time being it's a lifesaving tool. Tell him about this group. Hand him a laptop, tell him to start reading and leave him be. He may start posting more than anyone.

lacy456 09/05/2014

I definitely will!

lusks1 09/10/2014

FYI - My state does not use the word "rape" in any of their charges. It is "simply" sexual abuse. To a rape victim I can understand how this is devastating. Sounds as thought the charge is not taken seriously. But to a victims point of view who has been sexually assaulted (but not to the horrible extent of rape), it is a good thing because their abuse is not lessoned in the eyes of the court. One abuse is as a bad as the other.

As a parent of 3 victims of sexual abuse (I am so thankfull that the abuse was not as bad as others here) I am glad that the abuse is being charged the same as if it were rape.

woulddoitagain 09/10/2014

Lacy456, never think what you are feeling or coming here for support for is a mistake. You are entitled to every emotion you're feeling, OWN them!

My son is a survivor of nearly 7 years now & we lost a large amount of extended family due to denial. Family that I thought would have been our support group. Denial is a huge and common problem in these circumstances. In your case it seems like the denial has been going on for a generation now. KUDDOS to you for recognizing it.

You have a very brave little girl, I'm so glad you were able to get a conviction! Is there anyway you can get a short term lease somewhere until your new place is done? I can't imagine dealing with that on a daily basis.

((HUGS)) to you and your family.

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