Parents of estranged adult children Community Group
One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.
i'm still rapid cycling like a beaten crazy bitch wolf over the anticipation of being within eyeshot of my estranged son (43) this coming friday. the good news is that i seem to be holding steady in the here and now. animals and children all cared for, etc. prayers ongoing. stepping small and praying big. this coming weekend i hope i can keep the shots visual. i'm not sure i can handle yet another round of his toxic mom awards. ears open, mouth shut, woman. maintain masked social distances at all cost. i'm packing up a solid therapy bag of tools to help me pull off THAT miracle. i am grateful the still young children will be there to distract from the estranged middle aged child.
today's read from "courage to change" is resonating loudly enough to rate the reinforcement of sharing. here goes:
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i recently had an argument with someonei care about. he made, all too publicly, a few remarks to me about my weight, and i was less than pleased. later, when i told him that my feelings were hurt, he insisted he had done nothing wrong --that what he had said was true, so i shouldn't take offense.
how often have i justified my own unkindness or my interfering where i had no business, with that very argument? too many times, especially during my alcoholic loved one's drinking days. after all, i claimed, i was right: alcohol was ruining our lives and it was my duty to say so --again and again and again.
i am learning to let go of my certainty about what other people should do. in group therapy i heard someone put it this way: "i can be right or i can be happy." i don't have to make anyone over in my image. with help, i can learn to live and let live.
today's reminder
i am not an insensitive person, but at times i have justified insensitive behavior by claiming to be right. i can respect another person's right to make their own decisions, even when i strongly disagree. my relationships will improve when i love myself enough to let other people be themselves.
"lord, when we are wrong, make us be willing to change. when we are right, make us easy to live with." ~peter marshall
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there is a HUGE part of me that wants to estrange es as solidly as i estranged my parents. he's still working hubs for money, so his estrangement has not been too socially distant from this mentally ill toxic mom. my anxiety is certain he will rub salt into every one of those wounds with the enthusiasm of a facebook basher. round and round and round the intrusive thoughts go. . .
just breathe. . .
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
I like this quote you posted. I think it is very true and I plan to use this information for myself in the future.
I have also felt the anxiety and angst a week or two before any family gathering that I am invited to, with or without my EC. I know I will be walking on eggshells and watching my mouth carefully. Which isn't a bad thing, to watch our mouths. My EC are such a minefield that I know something can go bad even if I say nothing wrong or do nothing wrong. And the love we have for them is what I try to hold onto without being their patsy or whipping girl. I also tell myself detach with love.
I think we can mentally "estrange" or as Al Anon calls it "detach with love". I am detached with love at this point from my EC. The love and memories we have for them keeps us bound to a certain degree. The desire most parents have for their adult kids to live a functional and happy enough life keeps us bound. We each have to figure out how we avoid chronic stress and illness when we allow the estrangement to torque our minds and bodies out of whack.
My goal for this year is not to initiate any contact with them. Not in anger but in trying to reduce my chronic stress and emotional pain from the situation they created and the pain they have inflicted upon me. Of course, they see me as the bad guy and difficult personality wise. This is their path to walk in life and we have to walk ours.
People who blame others instead of having compassion and empathy are not fixable by us.
I actually blocked them on my phone yesterday so that I don't have to hope they text me this holiday season when they won't. I want to remember them with detached love, instead of being angry or hurt. Estrangement is ambiguous loss which makes it doubly difficult.
Hugs to you.
hubs is a whole different story. . .
his story is his to sort, but it keeps es closer to his business-as-usual.
a detachment with love meditation i picked up from the alanon readers i use daily is of swaddling him tenderly in warm blankets, kissing his forehead and then handing him over to god's loving embrace. i've been using that meditation since the 90's and it works when i work it.
the covid connection hasn't hit my radar. as a senior citizen with recently inherited children, covid resulted in total abandonment from all of my age peers. i haven't felt inclined to reduce those social distances. i'm 69 but still feel like a biohazard among my age peers for my daily exposure to children. that social disaster hasn't even been declared officially over. can list that as cultural estrangement? dunno. . . senior world is another planet to me these days. it's a bit of a psychic warp for me to be a 69 year old soccer mom.