Parents of estranged adult children Community Group
One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.
the anticipation of being within eyeshot of my eldest/estranged son next week is still wreaking havoc in my thought processes. seems that every chore in my day is being invaded by intrusive thoughts of. . . ya know, ya know. . .
still, methinks the progress between hubs and i --both individually and as a team-- is holding steady. hubs and i haven't launched into a single tit-for-tat skirmish over whose pain/guilt/exhaustion/words for ^it^/etc./etc. is greater. these days i think of our domestic tit-for-tat skirmishes as, "agreeing from different libraries." yes, but my library has all the superior definitions and plans of action. how 'bout an inter-library exchange program, hon? i don't have access to your corporate water cooler and i haven't seen you at a single one of my support group meetings. in the year and a half since he lost his corporate library card (retirement), i have had virtually no contact with es. hubs has shared the texts and emails that make up the bulk of our interaction in the four years since i last saw him at his brother's funeral. are we in danger of building a shared library with equal access?
over the course of the easier conversation about the anticipation, i proposed using the same tactic we have used for dealing with his birth family. i am only there in a support capacity. the psycho snot knots are yours to untangle. i'm only there to support you. of course detaching that far from in-laws is a whole lot easier than detaching from a son, but nothing much has changed since i stopped giving es money however many years ago. the only real change there is that i am declining to take my place on the not-so-merry-go-round. herstorically, when one of us begins to resist the dollar demands, es begins pumping the other. hubs has been his only available target in that however many years since i last filled es's crack pipe. hubs is feeling the strain. he feels his son's pain --as do i-- but is ready to get off the not-so-merry-go-round. can i support that? repeat that it is far easier to remain objective with in-laws than off-spring.
i'm leaving the mood icon on the rapid cycling median. i'm all over the emotional spectrum with this snot knot.
reality checks appreciated.
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
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If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
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In the long run the challenges while he is on drugs will continue, just as he gets high, and comes down, so do your emotions, Always wanting the best for him as a balance act.
The best you can do is to take care of yourself and your own responsibilities as I see them, the 3 grand kids Need You, to be healthy and wise where their future is concerned.
Your ES has made his choices, he is an adult...drugs....Hubby has made his, to fill the crack pipe. For you to find yourself in the middle trying to balance the love you feel for both is a hard road to travel. <3.
Peace and Healing For You, Yours and The World At Large <3
You don't have to take up the heavy burden when or if your husband lets his burden down. He can take a break from carrying this heavy burden and not make that permanent. He can shield you from some of the snot knot stuff because it is better for you. And hopefully, we are not talking about money that creates a huge hole in your own family budget.
We don't have to answer text messages or phone calls asking for money. We can say "let me think about it." And then wait several days to have clarity of thinking. Say no when we mean no, in other words. If it made me angry, I'd practice saying "I feel angry when you ask for money." Or, "We can't do that right now."
It is always helpful with estrangements if the two parents can work together, be of the "same mind". As in have the same ideas and limits. This is an ideal but doesn't always happen even in the best of relationships. One parent slips and shifts sometimes.
The EC likely know how to play one parent off the other. It is called divide and conquer.
I understand this difficult dance, I go through it with my husband and his former ES.
I think the other spouse sometimes has more clarity of thinking than the one who gets asked. I think being asked kind of puts us in mind melt at times. The one not asked doesn't have that emotional thing going on from the direct ask.
Estrangement can really divide and conquer the parents if they let it. Being the "favored" parent can be a heady thing, a real ego boost. Being the "unfavored" one can be really sad and demeaning. It is no win.
by the last time i gave money to es, however many years ago, i was already okay with (resigned to?) being the unfavored parent. fast forward to the inheritance of 3 young orphans at his brother's funeral and being snubbed by es felt like the least of my worries. still does, 4 years later. for sure i can't provide care for 3 young orphans while simultaneously providing care for a violently disabled adult child.
hubs has been through several rounds of compassion fatigue over the years since i stepped off that particular not-so-merry-go-round. he's still rebounding with approximately the same efficiency he rebounded while i was still participating but it feels far less competitive since i left the dance.
whether we are dancing well or badly, love is a dance we do together. when we are dancing well, the missed steps that land on toes are no big deal. i betcha dollars to wishes even fred and ginger stepped on each other's toes on occasion.