Most of my family (my other grandchildren and my two sons) are either staying neutral or on my side. I hate to say that because there should not be sides.

Smart move on their part and important for you to recognize there should not Be Sides.

At 13 your granddaughter is Very Emotional, starting school soon and probably doesn't want to upset her mother if Mom Is Controlling...she knows which side of the bread is buttered and where that butter comes from.

Hang in there, not easy, but with time hopefully things will work out.

Peace and Healing To You and To The World At Large <3

My eldest daughter is a narcissist. Took me years to accept this And i rarely speak to her grown children. It is what it is and as for my other grandchildren they are all busy doing their own thing. I have moved on more or less and have to accept this about them. I see them on holidays and thats it. Maybe someday but who knows

hope the venting helped, shamrock. it helps often enough to make it worth a try.

i found myself reading your post with a bit of problem envy. 66% of your adult children are comfortable speaking with you. i lost my eldest son to estrangement and my youngest son to a fatal car crash. can i trade my 100% unavailability for your 33%?

sigh. . . again i remind myself that envying other people's problems sells us all short. pain is pain, whatever the extent or measure.

steadying support while you sort where to go from here.

is it good news that 100% of my grandchildren are present and loving? they were orphaned in that fatal car wreck and i am raising them. is it horrible that i am grateful my estranged son has no children? he is currently a homeless crackhead and i shudder to think what his parenting style might have been.

Welcome to this forum, Shamrock! Being rejected or ostracized by a beloved adult son or daughter is very hard. You've come to the right place.

This history of constant conflict with your daughter makes me think of the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason and Kreger. It helped me understand my one estranged daughter (ED) and her husband. I now have two estranged daughters, full on no contact, and I don't see their children. Have not even met two of the children from one estranged daughter.

The thing is, we can only control ourselves but we can learn to accept things for how they are and create a new life without those that estrange. We don't have to be caught in their spider's web. Yes, we miss our GC and mourn how this is abusive to the kid and to us.

You can't make your ED be different or treat you better. But you can set limits and boundaries and be stronger inside. What I mean is stop loaning money, leave when the abuse starts, don't respond to ugly texts or voice mails. Don't initiate contact if she likes to respond with ugly stuff demeaning you. Stop trying to make her change to be nicer to you or to be rational and a good person.

We have to feel that we matter and that we don't deserve the abusive stuff and we have to learn to say no when we mean no.

This ED is not good for your emotional wellness. The more you chase her, the worse and ugly mouthed she gets. So stop. Today becomes the day you focus on your own healing and setting limits or internal boundaries for rules you want to enforce in your own life. Because you matter, too.

And we can't make family members be on our side. Some don't want any conflict with the high conflict person (your ED). Some find us difficult, too. They see us arguing with the high conflict person and they blame us for engaging or starting it. Whether they are wrong or right, this is often how other people in the family see it. The victim gets blamed but the victim can learn no ways of being and new ways to heal.

I have had, or have, estrangement with 4 family members, 3 being adult children. What I learned is this is often a power, control, or manipulation move. Your ED has all the power right now. She controls her kid(s). You either allow her abuse or you get stronger to see things in a wider perspective.

We chose to walk away from the ones wanting to control us and manipulate us. My life matters to me now, more than chasing someone to love me when they are not capable of loving me or being nice. I don't engage other family members in our estrangements any longer. Like you, I found some appease the abuser so they don't become the abused in the future. Very few want to be involved in "other people's conflicts" so we often feel alone.

You are definitely not alone. There are hundreds of forums/groups on Facebook for estranged parents or estranged adult sons or daughters. There are also some online support groups. Send me an email on here if you want the names and links to join some of these support groups that I know. But be careful of the myth of writing an amends letter stuff. If one has a truly abusive adult son or daughter, then apologizing only brings more abuse. So take that amends letter crap and don't do it. You can always do it in the future if you feel it fits your situation.

Another good book is "Done with the Crying" and there is "Rules of Estrangement" but Rules is big on the amends letter and lacks much understanding of abusive situations which it sounds like you are facing or dealing with. Abusers can't be appeased or apologized to. Not until we gain a lot of clarity through doing our work first. But there is support and help.

Write any time on here. Hugs to you!

Thank you so much for your responses. They are all very helpful. I understand your envy and trust me when I say I’m very grateful and blessed for the 66% of my family that show me their love every day. I wish the same for you. I guess I’m foolish to expect 100% of my family to love me. Lol. Wishful thinking. Thank you all for the love and support. That’s why I can’t back to Daily Strength. I’m here for you all too!