Parents of Addicts Community Group
A safe group for Mothers and Fathers of addicts, where we can share feelings, and ask for feedback.
We just heard the news that our son will be coming home from in patient rehab next Tuesday. I'm thrilled, excited, and scared to death. I have no idea who is going to walk in the door. Will it be my son from before he started using? Will he go right back to using and the nightmare will start over? Or will we see the new, clean, more grown-up person that we've seen in rehab the past two weeks?
I also don't know who I am going to be. Have I learned my lessons well enough to thread the needle between enabling and controlling? Or will I revert to bad habits of my own?
We've cleaned out his room completely and are now working on making sure there isn't a drop of alcohol or a prescription or non-prescription drug in the house that could be abused. I think I have enough knowledge to detach, stop enabling, and stop obsessing, but I'm having trouble applying the knowledge. For example, we live in a rural subdivision that does not have public transportation. My son will need to go to daily meetings and outpatient rehab for 4 days a week. I also want him to go out looking for a job so he can pay the $500 in fines he racked up for helping a friend shoplift a bottle of booze before he left. I work a full-time job and my ability to drive him around is limited. There's a part of me that says access to the car is a necessity for him to meet his goals for recovery. On the other hand, a car is a privilege and it would enable him to drive over to his old friends' houses and start using again. I could also give him the car, but put a GPS device on it to see where he's going and take the car away if he goes where he's not supposed to, but that seems like old behavior on my part. On the other hand, perhaps it's similar to the drug screens he'll be getting at outpatient. It's the way of monitoring whether he's keeping up his end of the bargain. I really am having trouble deciding what the right decision is.
I think I can figure out what to do about computer use (limited to on-line schooling and job applications), Facebook (off limits), and cell phones (a privilege that needs to be earned, and then all former contacts wiped out).
The big, issue, though, is contact with old friends. After a month of debate, he has finally agreed that he should give up his old friends. The problem is that they suddenly have all started calling us, wondering when he'll be back. What is the best way for him to break off contact?
Any other advice anyone has related to coming home would be a great help. Chances are there are a whole lot of issues we haven't even thought of yet and I'd feel better if I could see them coming in advance.
I also don't know who I am going to be. Have I learned my lessons well enough to thread the needle between enabling and controlling? Or will I revert to bad habits of my own?
We've cleaned out his room completely and are now working on making sure there isn't a drop of alcohol or a prescription or non-prescription drug in the house that could be abused. I think I have enough knowledge to detach, stop enabling, and stop obsessing, but I'm having trouble applying the knowledge. For example, we live in a rural subdivision that does not have public transportation. My son will need to go to daily meetings and outpatient rehab for 4 days a week. I also want him to go out looking for a job so he can pay the $500 in fines he racked up for helping a friend shoplift a bottle of booze before he left. I work a full-time job and my ability to drive him around is limited. There's a part of me that says access to the car is a necessity for him to meet his goals for recovery. On the other hand, a car is a privilege and it would enable him to drive over to his old friends' houses and start using again. I could also give him the car, but put a GPS device on it to see where he's going and take the car away if he goes where he's not supposed to, but that seems like old behavior on my part. On the other hand, perhaps it's similar to the drug screens he'll be getting at outpatient. It's the way of monitoring whether he's keeping up his end of the bargain. I really am having trouble deciding what the right decision is.
I think I can figure out what to do about computer use (limited to on-line schooling and job applications), Facebook (off limits), and cell phones (a privilege that needs to be earned, and then all former contacts wiped out).
The big, issue, though, is contact with old friends. After a month of debate, he has finally agreed that he should give up his old friends. The problem is that they suddenly have all started calling us, wondering when he'll be back. What is the best way for him to break off contact?
Any other advice anyone has related to coming home would be a great help. Chances are there are a whole lot of issues we haven't even thought of yet and I'd feel better if I could see them coming in advance.
Doesn't he have a sponser to talk with?
Have you tried to talk with him, see what is going on with his dicisions?
I think you said he was only 17, so I am not sure where you go from here. My daughter was 39 and I told her to leave when she started using again. It ihas been over ayear since I saw or heard from her. But I couldn't enable her once I knew she was using again.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
One of his first tasks in the relapse prevention plan was to get a sponsor. He never did. He won't talk to us. We don't know what we're talking about. We only read books and listen to counselors. He actually lives the life. He "knows" that it's possible to keep seeing your old friends without using and to drink alcohol without relapsing. He "knows" what he's doing, so he is protected from overdose. Even when we do have a discussion, nearly every word out of his mouth is a lie. He contradicts himself from one sentence to the next. There's no point in even trying to have a rational discussion. He's not capable of thinking rationally or hearing anything that doesn't fit with his preconceived notions.
He has spoken to counselors at out patient and to a local youth services center. He simply doesn't listen. His friends know everything.
Right now my husband and I are doing everything we can to set up a whole series of consequences for his behavior. Trevor asked for a ride home last night and called my husband to cancel when he was half-way there. Now he just called and wanted a ride home in 15 minutes. My husband told him that his ride left at 10:00 last night and he has to walk the 5 miles home or wait three hours to pick up a school bus. Then he hung up on him.
He also is going to suffer some legal consequences soon. He has to do 20 hours of community service to avoid a $240 ticket from pre-rehab. He's blowing it off. If he waits too long, his only option will be pulling weeds for the city in the hot sun for 20 hours. If he doesn't do the work, he'll need to pay off his fine by sitting in jail for six days.
That's for the city charge. He also has a disorderly conduct charge pending that's a criminal charge with the county. We're reporting his bail violations, so he might get tossed in the county jail for this. Or, the judge can set some strict standards for probation that could help get him on track.
We've done all that we can. Now our only choice is to push him in the direction of getting sick of the mess he got himself into to maybe motivate him to get himself out.
Yes, it hurts not see her, but then again, my life is much better without her hurting me all the time. Taking things, stealing things again. Sitting up wondering every night or day what wil be next.
I still ask myself How can your own kid do this to you and not care.
It seems like a nightmare...it isn't, it's real. You dread that phone call.....
My life isn't great right now, but I am managing to get back on my feet and soon I will be able to go back to work and save a little again. I have to worry about me because I sure learned that she isn't.
I hope things will work out for your son. Send him away if you can,I think it is the best way as said.