I have a daughter who is 10...was diagnosed ODD 1 year ago...we are in behavioral therapy.  Our ODD issues are only at home...not at school which is wonderful and makes me angry at the same time.  There are days I feel like a rockstar and days where I feel like.....Where do I even begin?  ODD….I HATE YOU!  I’m mad…no, I’m angry.  I’m angry that I can’t fix her.  I’m bitter that I have to go through this.  I’m hurt that she can’t see I’m trying to help her.  I’m frustrated with her irrational thinking.  I am broken.  I am done.  I want to quit.  I don’t want to do one more day where I have to walk on eggshells…wondering what am I going to say wrong today that is going to set her off.  I don’t want to do another day where I have to convince myself that I’m not in the wrong.  I don’t want to do another day where I wake up and have to give myself a pep talk about how I’m going to face this day…I’m going to do the right thing…say the right thing…handle her the way I’ve been taught by our behavioral therapist…only to fail within 10 minutes of interacting with her.  I don’t want to have my head bit off for God knows what and I don’t want to fight with her over hair, a blanket, shoes, brushing teeth……..I just want to get up and enjoy her…but I can’t.  I just want to be able to make it through one morning with her happy.  Without a fight…without a harsh word…without arguing over the little things.  I just want peace….I’m so tired.  Tired of feeling like a failure…feeling like a terrible mom because I can’t make this better.  Tired of talking till I’m blue in the face thinking one of these day’s I’m going to say the right thing and a lightbulb will go off with her and she’ll stop being so difficult.  Stop with her irrational thoughts, stop being mad at me for things I didn’t say.  I’m tired of having my words twisted into something it was never intended for.  I’m tired of her never taking responsibility for her actions…I’m tired of her always being the victim.  I’m tired of her lack of remorse.  I just want to be her mom.  I want to be able to do and say mom things without it causing so much unnecessary drama.  I just want to love her.  Where did I go wrong?  She wasn’t raised this way.  She was raised to be loving and forgiving.  She was raised to take responsibility for her actions.  What changed?  What happened?  Where did I go wrong?  Why won’t she take no for an answer?  I just want to scream!  I want to crawl in the bed and never get out.  I want to get us in intense residential therapy and work on this day and night until it is gone.  I’m tired of feeling alone…like no one understands me!  Like if I’d “just do this or say this she’ll stop.”  Believe me, it’s not that easy.  She isn’t a normal child.  She doesn’t respond like a normal child.  I wish it were that easy!  But it’s not.  So I will keep fighting…one day at a time…one hour at a time…one minute at a time.  I can’t give up on her.  I have to be the bigger person…I have to be the example…I have to be the one to show her grace and mercy.  I have to show her right from wrong.  I have to…I just have to…….and it’s so, so hard.  

I chose my screen name because I have to keep telling myself that out of these ashes, Beauty will rise and my sweet girl will conquer this!  Take away the ODD and there is this sweet, loving and kind soul that is happy and seeing glimpses of this gives me hope.  I have to hang on to that...