Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
is there such thing as a harm ocd episode and what does it usually look like? what can it do? I'm trying to pinpoint if what I'm going through is ocd or how I truly feel.
It sounds like you're struggling right now with some harm thoughts and wondering whether the thoughts are OCD thoughts or your own thoughts (please do correct me if I'm wrong). I do think there are times when the OCD thoughts become worse (more frequent/distressing), so I would say that yes, there is such a thing as harm OCD episodes. I am going through one myself at the moment.
Your last sentence makes it sound like you are doubting that your thoughts are the OCD, and not truly your own thoughts. I can relate to this as well. The doubting is a core feature of OCD...our OCD tends to make us doubt everything. It must be especially distressing to doubt that these harm thoughts your having are OCD, and to wonder if they could truly be your own thoughts.
I will say that from what I have experienced and read on the subject, those with OCD harm thoughts tend to be very caring and sensitive individuals. The harm thoughts are so very distressing for that exact reason. The thoughts are "egodystonic", meaning they are the complete opposite of how the person really is.
I am not saying that you are not capable of having "mean" thoughts. We all have them, and anyone who says they don't are most likely lying. It is what we DO that counts. We all pass judgements on people from time to time, and those thoughts are just automatic. We do not have control over our thoughts. What we DO have control over is how we act and how we treat people. That is what truly makes us who we are. Not our thoughts.
My guess, however, is that these thoughts you are having are OCD thoughts, and because OCD is "the doubting disease", your OCD is making you question whether or not you actually mean the things you think. Remember, we do not have control over our thoughts, especially OCD intrusive thoughts. Our thoughts do not define who we are as human beings. And our thoughts have only as much power as we choose to give them. We can spend hours and hours fretting over them and let them disrupt our daily lives, or we can quietly acknowledge them and let them pass by, like clouds in a sky.
Please let me know what I can do to support you. I really feel for you, as like I said, have been struggling with something similar. It is tough, but I know that you are tougher.
I had one of these 'episodes' just a couple of days ago. We adopted a new puppy wjo bites a lot while playing and I have to push him away when he is biting too hard. Once I pushed him a little harder... Hard enough for him to fall and roll on the floor. I know it's not a big deal, he didn't really get hurt, but I couldn't help it. I got paranoid to the point where when walking him I would get these graphic thoughts that I could choke him with the leash and kill him. I was frightened even knowing that I would never hurt an animal on purpose (I'm studying to be a vet).
Now... Wildflower is completely right. Thoughts are not "right" or "wrong" on themselves unless you act upon them.
However, it is common for OCD sufferers to experience the so called "magical thinking". For example: if someone is obssessed over the idea of a family member or friend getting cancer, and then one of them becomes sick with it: they might have the impulse of blaming themselves about it thinking that they caused it somehow by thinking about it too much.
That's not possible but could be very frustating.
Hope this helps... Sorry for the length of this reply.
Stay strong