First of all, this is a perfect place to post anything you want to. Don't ever feel intimidated not to post anything you feel you need to vent about, questions you may havem, or statemements you need to make.

I was considered disabled before my formal dx. I woke one day to the most horrible pain in my life, and was referred to a pain management doctor by my PCP, which authorized a H/C placard immediately since my legs were affected. The pain management specialist connected me to my current MS specialist, a wonderful neurologist. Maybe you need to see a pain management specialsit to deal with all of your pain? I know that I wanted to die when I was suffering so. Now, my quality of life is improved 90% thanks to that pain management specialist.

I often feel like I'm being punished for something bad I did in my teen years. I did alot of bad things. Maybe this thought is part of my accepting MS, I don't know, but I understand the thought process.

You really should think about therapy. It sounds like you are in a very bad place, and a good therapist could help you deal with these feelings you ar having. I hope this rant is just a moment you are having, but if not, please think about seeing someone to discuss these feelings. I hope that tomorrow brings you to a better place.

I'm not "disabled" yet.. I still work and don't have a HC plate yet. I say yet because I do know it's only a matter of time.. But until the time comes.. I'll take what I can get.

As for whether or not this is a punishment or the ruiner of life, etc.. No, I don't believe that. What I do believe is that life is a balance.. a very precarious balance where we have so much good in our life and so much bad.. and they will even out. For me, my MS is the counter-balance for my wonderful son and my loving husband. If this is the price I have to pay to balance that happiness, I'll pay it gladly. The key is finding the positives that balance the negatives and learning to count your blessings as well as your pains.

Perhaps a good counsellor could help. Don't be afraid to post anything here, you're not boring us!

Not much advice, but the good things i life are what I focus on.

Shut happens! Therre are alot of people in this world alot worse of than me.

I can relate. I was injured in 4/08 and then called permanently partial disabled in 6/09 and total disabled for over a year now and now I am waiting on a diagnosis. Sometimes I feel the same way, is this karma finally smacking me in the head? I wasn't that bad as a kid was I? My life has always seemed to balance with the good and bad and I have been waiting for the good and it isn't happening lately. Maybe it will be AWESOME when it does. I get so frustrated sometimes and it is like nobody believes me. Even though MRIs say how messed up my back is, I'm faking.

I do get frustrated sometimes and I have thought about it but I would never do it. All the torture I am going through is worth it to see my daughter wake up in the morning. I have another little girl due soon and I am scared sh#tless thinking,"how will I take care of 2?". But in the back of my mind I know that is my only motivation to get off my ass so I am looking forward to the challenge. I have failed at many things and this is something I refuse to fail at. Ending it would be failing and the pain it would cause my family would be far worse than the pain I feel.

I still have hope. Maybe that something good from karma is my new baby girl. I will take it.

Hi oleblue,
It's me , SharonMom. I read your post and I want you to know that my heart goes out to you, and I am SOOOO sorry that you have had a difficult life.
I also identified with the problems you had in childhood. I think that alot of us who are middle-aged ( I am 44 years old), did have significant childhood problems because we grew up right before there seemed to be any child abuse laws. When I was growing up parents could do anything short of killing their children and get away with it. Society called it discipline back then. And even teachers were allowed to hit children.
What I did, in my early 30's was go to counseling once a week to try to deal with all the childhood baggage that I was caring around. I ended up going to counseling for 5 years, and was able to forgive my parents for all the ways that they had trespassed against me. I'm glad I went to counseling, because my Mother died 26 months ago, and when she died her and I were on good terms. Maybe you could find a place, with a sliding scale fee, to attend counseling once a week?
As to the Multiple Sclerosis, the only thing I can say is that this is where your Faith should come in. Because you need to use it to just accept that you have M.S. and to stop trying to figure out why you have it. It is normal, oleblue to ask the "Why me?" question. I think all of us in this group have done it many times. I have been diagnosed with M.S. for almost 2 years now and I have done it. In fact, I think that I authored a post here a couple of months ago on the why me question. Go back a little on the posts as maybe you will find it.
As to your marriage, maybe you should try to give your wife some emotional leeway. Because Multiple Sclerosi is a difficult disease to have, and it's a difficult disease for our loved ones to understand. My husband is a practicing Licensed Nurse, and he still has problems understanding M.S. I think that Colleges do not teach people how to deal with it. Maybe you could try going to marriage counseling, or you could start taking your family to a good, Christian church? Or maybe you could try getting a babysitter, and taking your wife out for a date once a week. My husband and I went to a steakhouse a couple of nights ago, and we had a great time. We had cocktails, and flirted and had a wonderful evening. Maybe this would work for you. Remember what happens in our lives is affected alot by our attitudes. If you believe that your marriage can be healed, I truly believe that it can be. Good Luck!

I was truly disabled (using a wheelchair for any distance) for seven years before being formally dxed. I would never had applied for SSDI as the only dx I had was a pinched nerve. I could hear the workers at SSDI laughing their heads off at a woman applying based on that. I did apply two weeks after being dxed and was granted it in a record two and a half months.

God? You really think he is control of the suffering on earth? or that he punishes people? What kind of god is that?

Suffering is part of life. We are born into suffering. No one escapes it. We just got a mess of it at once. I do hate this disease. I do know it could be worse. I do know others are suffering much worse fates than me. I think of burn victims. Who could b itch after thinking of them?

My husband is Christian. He truly believes in his heart that God sends things and he is not to question. He believes there is always a reason and one day he will know. I know he is a true believer as he just faced renal cancer. His faith gave him so much strength. It does makes me wonder...if maybe he is right.

For me? I believe life is the prayer. I find God in people. In their kindness. In the gentle nature of my husband. I believe that is God...He is right in front of us, arms open to love us.

These are perfect questions for here and very appropriate in my opinion.

First off, I had some disabilities before the neurological problems kicked in. I injured my arm badly in an accident and have some nerve damage. I also suffer from PTSD. Chronic back pain (sciatica) has always been there but is just a nuisance more than anything. None of this warrants a handicap placard or special attention. Sometimes I have to remind people that I can't do something or other that is extremely physical, but that's rare.

I consider myself a Christian, but I don't feel that what I'm going through is a "test" from God or some kind of powerful message. I do see my problems (tremors and pains mostly) as a good counter-balance to my prideful and arrogant tendencies. Maybe it's God's way of keeping me focused, but I've seen so many others with so much more serious problems that I can't really dwell on it too much.

I understand depression and it is insidious. I have been laid very low by this and I have a feeling I know where you're coming from. I would suggest that you sit down and get a good two-way conversation going with someone (professional or clergy) to go over it.

Take care of yourself. From your words above, I would say that you have a lot to offer this discussion group.

WOw, Can I ever empathize with you! I too have thought of suicide off & on almost my entire life. Not as much now, but the thought still creeps in once in awhile. I also live with incredible pain on a daily basis. I have had physical problems that have been unexplained for 25 years. A lot of Dr's just made me feels crazy. I finally had to leave my job a little over 3 years ago. I finally found a Dr who refered me to a neurologist becauuse he believes I have MS. My appointment is in a few weeks.
For some reason I never have blamed God. I think my childhood abuse was actually helpful in that area in a wierd way. Through counseling I was finally at the point where I believed that Dispite all that has happened to me, God is still at my side, crying with me when I cry, rejoicing with me when I rejoice. God did not want my childhood to go the way it did, but people have free will. I believe God grieved with me & held me in his arms through all of the abuse. The years of abuse taught me in the long run to be soft, compassionate & strong. As awful as it was I'm not sure I would change it. I would be a very different person today. I don't think I would like who I would have been.
Yes, sometimes life really sucks! But it's not a punishment...it's just life. Try if you can to allow God to use the pain in your life to make you a better person.
Hang in there!

Childhood abuse is an ugly monster that haunts its victims for a life time.

Do you see what you just said, Robin? You said that the abuse made you a more compassionate person? I have many sons that are compassionate beings. They were never abused. (Wait..one adopted spirit son was but not in my home). You didn't need it then and didn't deserve it.

No one needs abuse to become beautiful people. You were born with a kind gentle nature. You also are a strong woman that decided to find the good in life.

hi honey-i did not read your other replies, i just want you to know that you are not your illness, whatever that illness might be. you are here for a reason, even if it does not seem to be your own.
what if you were to save a life tomorrow? or help someone in dire need?
you are not alone, and people do understand how you are feeling, especially on this site.
I do not want you to hurt yourself, period.
your friend, leslie joan in idaho

I was not disabled before my MS. My main physical problems all have to do with my MS. I am totally lucky with my MS in that I don't have physical pain, only emotional pain.

I don't think that God tests us with whatever. We all have our lot in life and we have to deal with whatever is handed to us. I am not religious, only believe in animals and nature and that we best treat nature well so that it in turn treats us well. I think that MS is caused by man made chemicals and that has nothing to do with God.

Glad that you have the opportunity to vent. This disease lends itself to that. Please continue to vent. It is good to listen to others so that I can learn.

Thanks to everyone with your replies, My whole life I have tried to help other people it's just in my heart to do so and I put myself in their place and what I would they do to help if they saw someone in need and than say do unto others as I would have them do to me.

I was going to see a counselor untill he kept pushing me to go see a good friend I had'nt seen in a while. Well I went to see my friend to find out he had lung cancer and had less than 6 months to live, I am glad I went but it just pushed me over the edge and into withdrawing from life. I spent my time going to see him instead of my counselor till he passed

I hate living in pain and I hate the pain pills I eat everyday (3- 80mg of oxycontin a day). I can't tell if my leg pain is MS or the spinal stetnosis I suffer from. They say surgery may help but it may also make me wheel chair bound.I have degenertive disc in 4 of them. I have artrithis in my hip and it is deformed from birth. I cracked my pelvic bone and never took time off work to heal just kept getting stronger pain pills so I could work.

I had all that than get the MS bonus. I'm thinking of going to the local MS support group I've found. Somehow I think they would be more helpfull to start with. I can finally look at the fact I will be starting rebif before something finds a home for it self. I'm tired of the feeling of bugs crawling on my head and the numbness in my hands and foot.

I know so many people with MS have lost sight and the ability to walk feel what they touch speech and the many other things this diesease can do to you. At times I can't remember if I took my meds or not so I have to depend on my wife.

I do know that you will find out weather or not you believe in god or not with MS or any of the other horrible things out there. I also grew up at a time where your parents could beat the snot out of you, also went for the teachers in school.

I do love the fact that you can come here and vent, probally even more than a lot of people as I really have no one to talk to about what is going on in life, a lot of us have lived it. I also don't want MS to hijack any of my talks as we all know how easy it is to turn the subject to MS, I'm afraid it will drive away the few friends I have left.

I also know I want to learn what I can about MS but do any of you feel like it is easy to become obcessed with these sites?. I'm going to close by saying that I should be glad I have made it 49 years before I had a flare that brought me to my knees and that I just wish that I would see my wife at least reading what the def. of MS is.

Well thanks again for being here for me and I want to also say the thank you for the people that forget or are just angry that they have MS and don't feel thankfull for anything at the time. If I could just do a do over and treat my body the way it was meant to be treated.

hi!! well i wasnt disabled when diagnosed, but not good and before they told me i had a wreck- totaled my car! was to tired to be driveing! so.... i dont know how bad your symptoms are but if you get that fatigued, its time to throw the towel in and do something else! there are lots of things to keep busy with around the house.
hugs!! tickey

I first went to dr cuz of my balance "drunk walk" but I wouldn't say "disabled". I believe we all going through awful things here on earth. I just feel God blessed me with ms at the perfect time!
I do not feel that any thing you have done in the past is the determining factor of your future, and I love my husband & kids so much but it is soooo normal to feel like " why am I with this person?" and once you start thinking that you only see negative!! I have been hurt by him & have vented here, but overall he is still my lovebug:)

I had a back injury in 1992 when I was 20, working at a tires store.8 doctors and 3 years later, I had a laminectomy on my t5-6/6-7.
I then had a few flare ups but was doing really good, lifting weights,playing sports and running. In 2001 I injured my back at work and once again, saw 8-10 doctors. While the claim was closed, I used cobra to go to the doctor I wanted to, he did the L4-S1 fusion. Two weeks later I went back in for infection. After a culture they admitted me for two strains of staph infection and started Puking antibiotics. First thing the next morning the irrigated with a wound vac.. I was doing ok until 2004, I had symptoms come up, some were need to me! Following an MRI the found an abundant amount of scar tissue and figured that was my problem. After a spine simulator implant in 2009, it made symptoms worse and really irritated my sciatica. About the same time I noticed weird symptoms that I later realized they were ms type symptoms and even the exact same the my neighbor with ms was suffering from. I went to my family doctor about it and he .ordered an MRI. He told mme it was clear. I got worse in December 2010 so I went to our new pcp(other retired) and he said it showed 2 lesions, let's do another.1/5/11 it showed another lesion, he referred me to a specialist where he looked at the cervical and brain scan w/o contrast and he said there were black holes so he ordered complete blood work and LP. The results showed + shingles, mono and the only thing he said on the LP was some protein? Do to previous surgeries. He sent me to Oregon Health Sciences University. This doctor has ordered t-spine MRI, vep and neuropsych..she said possible ppms. I had the MRI 5/24/11 and waiting for the other stuff before 7/20/11.
Do to a fall I took in 2004, too stubborn to get back on the cane, I have some minor neck buldges but they are mild and not hitting anything.

I have applied for SSDI before any of the ms stuff came up, it is just icing on the cake! Lol!
Social security is jerking me around on work credits so I appealed, sent in the documents they asked for and they never received them, not even the second one either! Hmmm, while we wait the two years for the hearing, my attorney recommended applying for ssi. I took a form my Att. Gave me so my doc could fill it out. My new doctor was not around for my back injury so he wrote down ms for my disability. I turned it in at my meeting for ssi application and the young fellow said ms moves along faster than other disabilities, in fact all autoimmune diseases do. After showing him my SSDI papers, he and a co-worker next to him said I will win the hearing , I have the required credits to be insured! He thought I would get my SSDI pretty easy aswell.
So after the pile of crap I have on me, there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Please hang in there, a lot of us have considered suicide. I had my pcp pulled from me by .workers comp, nobody would take me on and I ran out of pain meds., ms contin, neurontin, effexorxr and flexiril. sorry for the long post, I left out some drama.too! Lol,
take care, and come here! These are wonderful people on here,
Kevin