Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
Just needed to tell more of the story..
Wasn't sure what kind of trigger warning to put that wasn't triggering, if that makes sense?
So having some waffle at the beginning kinda like a speed bump so you can slow down and decide whether to read or not. It's going to be about how my mother made me hurt my baby brother that I love, and how we don't have a good relationship because he tries to touch me now and everyone says it's because of his disability and no one listens that he was abused, let alone how crazy and complicated things are between us.
I think I was maybe 5 or 6 she was changing him. I don't really know the details properly. He was about 1 I think. I just remember what I put in my mouth and how it felt. And how sick and sorry and terrified I was. She'd already made me hurt another baby, so I knew not to throw up or cry again. I was SO mad at him for being so vulnerable. And I hated myself for being stupid enough to love him, afterwards I kept ramming myself into walls and doorposts. I wanted to die a bloody gruesome death. But was too chicken to do any serious damage. I should have known it was too dangerous to love him, but he was so little, and she'd given him to me. We both got hurt if he cried so I had to take care of him. He used to get thrown and hit and yelled at, and sometimes he got left in his cot all day if I refused to do what they wanted. I can't find the right words. We all know it was her fault, not his, maybe its safer to be mad at him. Except that's a bad idea because I only just rescued him in June last year and we've lost a lot of time together as it is. And because the last thing he needs is to be blamed for his abuse. I was mas because he cried, it made me more upset and I needed to try and stay calm so she didn't join in and do it worse. He really cried big tears down his cheeks, I didn't want to hurt him. Everyone is giving me their memories and I'm loosing them and it's so lonely.
Why did she make me do that? I just don't know where to go with this. I don't even know if he remembers or not but he clearly has a sexual reaction towards me, maybe partly from watching the rest of our family hurting me. That's all I can manage to say. I just want somewhere to say I'm so so so so so so so sorry.
Wasn't sure what kind of trigger warning to put that wasn't triggering, if that makes sense?
So having some waffle at the beginning kinda like a speed bump so you can slow down and decide whether to read or not. It's going to be about how my mother made me hurt my baby brother that I love, and how we don't have a good relationship because he tries to touch me now and everyone says it's because of his disability and no one listens that he was abused, let alone how crazy and complicated things are between us.
I think I was maybe 5 or 6 she was changing him. I don't really know the details properly. He was about 1 I think. I just remember what I put in my mouth and how it felt. And how sick and sorry and terrified I was. She'd already made me hurt another baby, so I knew not to throw up or cry again. I was SO mad at him for being so vulnerable. And I hated myself for being stupid enough to love him, afterwards I kept ramming myself into walls and doorposts. I wanted to die a bloody gruesome death. But was too chicken to do any serious damage. I should have known it was too dangerous to love him, but he was so little, and she'd given him to me. We both got hurt if he cried so I had to take care of him. He used to get thrown and hit and yelled at, and sometimes he got left in his cot all day if I refused to do what they wanted. I can't find the right words. We all know it was her fault, not his, maybe its safer to be mad at him. Except that's a bad idea because I only just rescued him in June last year and we've lost a lot of time together as it is. And because the last thing he needs is to be blamed for his abuse. I was mas because he cried, it made me more upset and I needed to try and stay calm so she didn't join in and do it worse. He really cried big tears down his cheeks, I didn't want to hurt him. Everyone is giving me their memories and I'm loosing them and it's so lonely.
Why did she make me do that? I just don't know where to go with this. I don't even know if he remembers or not but he clearly has a sexual reaction towards me, maybe partly from watching the rest of our family hurting me. That's all I can manage to say. I just want somewhere to say I'm so so so so so so so sorry.
i give you a lot of credit for trying to make sense of what appears to be complete insanity....insanity you were not responsible for....we think you know this now.
you are recalling, asking questions, confronting the confusing feelings...we think you are on the right path of forgiving yourself, putting this in the past...and living free.
i'm not quite as brave as you are but you have inspired me to look into the fog of confusion...thank you for sharing jammie.
You were absolutely not responsible for what you were forced to do as a child. It was cruel of them to do this to you - and it was their wrong.
What they did was their responsibility, not yours. You can mentally give it all back to them. You don't need to claim this as something you did wrong. You did the best you could.
And what a strong, good person you are.
Sometimes it's a good thing to be sorry, if it means that I know now that I did wrong, and I will try to do better. And then move on, cuz holding on to it doesn't help. Let go, and let God, the 12 Steps say that and it's the best I can do.
Maybe , maybe , cuz I did,, I just said. "I'm sorry if I mistreated you in the past" without going into details.