Miscarriage Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.

1,034 Members

12,899 Posts

0 Online

sam23 07/01/2007

I had my miscarriage several months ago and sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. Over these past few months I've had many responses to my miscarriage, and to my dismay most of them have been really disappointing. Most people say really hurtful or unhelpful things like "miscarriages are common", "you werent that far along",or "It just wasnt meant to be" After months of wanting to punch people, its occured to me that maybe the world just isnt equipped for dealing with miscarriages. I was just recently informed that someone my friend knows had an abortion at 17 weeks. I didnt know you could wait that long, so I did research and found out that people can have them up until 24 weeks. I was SHOCKED and hurt. I lost my baby that I wanted so badly before it even had a chance and people can get abort their babies up until 5 months. Now I am in no way saying people shouldnt have the right to chose whether or not to go through with a pregnancy, but after finding all this out its no wonder people have a hard time sympathizing for women who have miscarriages. We in someways live in a world that doesnt really consider a baby valuable until its outside of the womb. I'm a firm believer that people have the right to different views and opinions on abortion and pregnancy, but I've just now realized that the reason so many people cant empathize with me is beacuse we live in a society that sometimes tells us not to believe in, care for, or form attachments to things we cant see or touch. So since I wasnt really showing yet, or people couldnt see my big belly the baby wasnt real to them, and they really dont understand the love and attachment that I had with my child. It might sound crazy but sometimes I feel like we live in a world that really thinks life is dispensable.

I was just wondering if anyone else felt the way I do, or had any other revelations about why some people dont really seem to understand the hurt, anger and frustration women have after miscarrying.

deleted_user 07/01/2007

I feel the same way. People just toss babies out like its no big deal. I don't believe in abortion but that is just my opinion but I don't hate or dislike anyone who has had one. To me a baby is a baby at conception and it doesnt make a difference how far along a woman is.

deleted_user 07/01/2007

I feel the same way you do. I also think people just don't know how to deal with other people's grief a lot of the time also. But esp when it comes to m/c it seems like many people just don't understand that we lost a child, a life, SOMEONE very valuable and special to us.

krisg88 07/01/2007

i agree...people do say and do the most insensitive things! i'm a social worker for a child welfare agency and initially it was really hard to go back to work and see people who abuse/neglect their kids walk into our office and be civil. the day after my miscarriage, i saw a 17 year old i'd worked with leaving the doctor's office. i hope she has turned her life around and will be a good mom, but it just felt so unfair! while i agree that things happen for a reason, that doesn't take away the hurt and pain. my sister who was so excited about my pregnancy has never spoken to me about it at all. my mom cried when i told her i was pregnant (not tears of joy...more like look what you've done now) and told me she was sorry when i miscarried because she knew that i was happy about the pregnancy. surprisingly, one of the most supportive people in my life was my boss who sent flowers and was very compassionate when i literally could not get out of bed to go to work. my step-mom was very excited about my pregnancy and was very compassionate, but now that my due date has come and gone, i'm feeling the intense hurt all over again and i really feel like i've got no one to turn to. i'm guessing i can expect to feel like this on both anniversaries (mc/dd) for some time to come.

deleted_user 07/01/2007

I also feel the same. My last m/c happened at home. I ended up going to the ER with my baby in a plastic bag. It still hurts when I think about it. Some people might say not to think about it. They can't say that until they have been in that situation. Which I hope no one has to go through. It was a heartbreaking time. Some people don't think about things before they say them.

deleted_user 07/01/2007

Rest little angel,

Its time to go home,

Jesus called you back,

You wont be alone.

Ill always be with you,

As youll always be with me,

Well see eachother again,

Up in Heaven, You will see.

So rest little angel,

You dont have to fight anymore,

Im really going to miss you,

But Jesus needed you more.

Youll be in my heart and thoughts,

For everyday of my life,

You dont need to act strong,

For the both of us two,

Jesus has other plans,

Just for you.

So I will let you go,

Although its tearing me apart,

But right now Jesus needs you more,

To help mend another heart.

deleted_user 07/01/2007

I personally dont understand the abortion thing, when it comes to being used as birth control. I have no issue if it is a life threatening event or a rape. On the subject of abortion, to me it is upsetting and discusting. Especially the partial abortions. I wont go into what that is, but I believe are being performed LATE into pregnancy and is the most horrific thing anyone could do, including the DRs. I believe that one is a completely un called for treatment. Its not even a treatment. THat is pretty much murder.

When I was trying to get prenant, it seemed every time I turned on the tv it was always on the news of someone throwing their baby in a trash can here or there. It just broke my heart. How could I have wanted a baby so much, unable to get prenant and these crazy people were throwing babies away. Babies just born, that I would of taken in a heart beat home with me and love it. I couldnt understand it then and dont think I ever will.

deleted_user 07/02/2007

I have felt the same way for a long time. I have known girls getting abortions (because they were really young) but after losing a baby I don't think I could sit idly by while someone did that...
ANyway-- The world doesn't know what to say about MC/SB-- It's such a difficult topic, because you know your parents are gonna die one day, but your children are supposed to live after you. And as "common" as they are, noteveryone has had one, (to their knowledge) so they just don't know what to say. My best friend and I got PG at the same time, and now she is in the hospital getting ready to have twins, and we are thinking about trying to get pg again... I guess I have rambled on enough.. I am sending you hugs because I completely agree with you.
Maggie

sam23 07/02/2007

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. It touches my heart to know that other's feel the way I do. Like most of you posted, I too am not a fan of abortion except in extreme circumstances. However, in this day and age it seems like abortions are being used as a form of birth control rather than a last resort, and when I found out how late into pregnancy they can be performed, I just had to write about it because it truely hurt my heart. Thanks again to those who have been responding.

deleted_user 07/02/2007

I was suprised after my m/c how my views changed. That is why I started the stupid things people say thread. It is a subject that I can't touch right now and I avoid it all cost. My baby was a part of me and Jay. I can't stand to see the news when something bad including a child is on.
All that comforts me sometimes is the fact that I have a baby in a better place waiting for me.
This is a time of healing so don't try to fight the world. Take care of yourself.

deleted_user 07/02/2007

I had my first counseling appointment today and we discussed this topic out of many. People tend to only value the tangible. I think that's why so many people have trouble having faith in a higher power or just trusting that what ocurs in life really does have a higher purpose. Trust me, the higher purpose of my m/c is not yet clear to me nor am I acceptant of my this part of my life story. I've just realized with this that relying on people, no matter how much they love you~ may not be our best bet considering they really don't understand unless they have lived it. My best friend M/C'd last summer. I am so horrified and mortified with how insensitive I was. She is in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship and I had the nerve and above all- ignorance- to say "it's for the best, he's a terrble man and she was going to suffer". I also thought: "she wasn't that far along, why does she talk about this all the time?". Mind you, I love her dearly, like a sister- I really do.I was not there for her as much a I should have because I decided for her that it wasn't a big deal. Pure ignorance on my part. Now I live in her shoes with a devastating loss and she's 5 mos. pregnant again (from the same guy mind you). A year later, I finally get it, and I truly wish I could turn back time and comfort her much more than I did.

deleted_user 07/02/2007

Hi
Your post says everything I feel. I've had people say all those things to me. Someone even told me that if I should be happy about losing the twin because i'd now be STUCK with 3 kids!!!!!!!!!!! My friend, be strong and draw comfort from the fact that you have a support system in this site. Bless.

deleted_user 07/02/2007

Last Wednesday, we found out our baby's heart had stopped beating. I am now waiting for the actual miscarriage to start. I was in the grocery store today and started to wonder how I was supposed to carry on with my life as if nothing had ever happened. I felt so alone dealing with this insurmountable grief. No one in that store knew I was a mother, that my little girl who I loved and wanted more than anything in my life was gone. For the most part, people are kind (or they think they are) but I hear the same comments you all have heard. I am also getting "it's a good sign got pregnant despite everything the dr said, etc." This was my first round of IVf after 5 years of infertility. I feel robbed, I feel lost.

deleted_user 07/03/2007

I feel the same. I dont think anyone can understand until they have felt it themselves. I didnt, i have to admit.

deleted_user 07/03/2007

I know I felt hurt by some of those comment too even though deep down inside I know people are trying to help and really don't know what to say. I shared this poem with some of the people in my life so that they know that these things that they say are meant to help it really doesn't.

Somebody"
by Laura Flowers

Somebody said "it was all for the best.
that something was probably wrong."
Somebody said, "It was meant to be."
Different verse, same miserable song.
Somebody said, "you could have another,"
As if that would make it all right.
Somebody said, "It wasn't a real child,"
Somebody's not very bright.

Somebody thinks is helpful
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colors,
Somebody isn't a friend.
But somebody said "I'm sorry,"
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow,
And held my hand when I cried.
And somebody always listened,
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood,
That I would never again be the same.

deleted_user 07/04/2007

I feel the exact same way. I wish there was a way to change this way of thinking or reacting to miscarriage. If its so common, then how come people don't know what to say or how do deal with it. It should be treated as a death in the family as far as I'm concerned. It was a life and it was real to me!

Join the Conversation