Miscarriage Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.
Between my first miscarriage and my recent second loss, I've noticed that people really seem to view miscarriages differently. And I'm wondering if any of you have noticed this as well.
The other day a friend of my bf and his wife were discussing the fact that they had had a miscarriage before having their son. I had no idea about it, and thought I might be able to share my feelings with them since they had a similar loss. However, to my surprise they acted like it was no big deal. They kept saying how when they found out they were upset but got over it quickly b/c they knew how common it was, and it was just a part of life etc..They didn't even seem to recognize the miscarriage as a loss of a child. I was really shocked b/c most people I've talked with who have experienced miscarriages were very upset, and could relate to my feelings.
Also, lately I've noticed that a lot of people I've been around seem to think that a miscarriage in the first trimester is not really like loosing a baby, b/c the baby was not yet "viable" out side of the womb. Now I don't expect everyone to feel like me, but I've just been shocked at how differently people view miscarriages.
Most of my friends either keep reminding me of all the "facts", and how miscarriage is common and lots of pregnancies fail, etc, etc., or they go over board and treat me like I'm damaged goods and suggest I not get pregnant again cause its bad for my body, and some women aren't meant to carry children. While these reactions aren't my favorite, its this new "get over it" attitude thats really got me. I just really wonder if a lot of people feel like miscarriage is not a big deal and not really like loosing a child.
Have any of you talked to people who really don't see a miscarriage as a big deal, even if they themselves have experienced one??
The other day a friend of my bf and his wife were discussing the fact that they had had a miscarriage before having their son. I had no idea about it, and thought I might be able to share my feelings with them since they had a similar loss. However, to my surprise they acted like it was no big deal. They kept saying how when they found out they were upset but got over it quickly b/c they knew how common it was, and it was just a part of life etc..They didn't even seem to recognize the miscarriage as a loss of a child. I was really shocked b/c most people I've talked with who have experienced miscarriages were very upset, and could relate to my feelings.
Also, lately I've noticed that a lot of people I've been around seem to think that a miscarriage in the first trimester is not really like loosing a baby, b/c the baby was not yet "viable" out side of the womb. Now I don't expect everyone to feel like me, but I've just been shocked at how differently people view miscarriages.
Most of my friends either keep reminding me of all the "facts", and how miscarriage is common and lots of pregnancies fail, etc, etc., or they go over board and treat me like I'm damaged goods and suggest I not get pregnant again cause its bad for my body, and some women aren't meant to carry children. While these reactions aren't my favorite, its this new "get over it" attitude thats really got me. I just really wonder if a lot of people feel like miscarriage is not a big deal and not really like loosing a child.
Have any of you talked to people who really don't see a miscarriage as a big deal, even if they themselves have experienced one??
I posted on here some time back that I find it interesting how a woman who has an abortion can be nailed to a cross for murder because life begins at conception, which it does, but if that same woman were to have a miscarriage she would be told to snap out of it and get on with life. I don't understand that and I will never understand that. I can be presented with facts till the cows come home, that is totally irrelevant. Miscarriage is more common than we think but just because we go through it that doesn't mean we're forever destined to be without children. It also doesn't mean we should give up our dream of trying or wanting. Yes, sadly enough, mine was one of many other pregnancies that failed but there are just as many pregnancies that succeed and why should I be frightened or guilted into giving up hope because of "facts"?
I too am very bothered by the "get over it" mentality. How do you get over your baby dying? How do you get over the loss of your child? I have four living children--God forbid if something should happen to one or all of them, would I be expected to act as though they never existed? To not talk about them and forget about them and just act as though life is good and life is normal? Absolutely not! So why should it be that way over my baby?
Other people were a bit more flippant towards my loss-as you stated - they felt it was not really a baby - since it was only the 1st trimester.
I have a family friend, who has 3 children. She always suffered 3 m/c's before having a viable pregnancy. I thought she would be a good resource, and an empathic person to talk to. She was surprised that I took the loss so deep, and she told me to buck up and deal with it. She told me that it really wasn't a little baby, as it could not survive outside my body (not withstanding inside my body). I was rather put off by her abrasive attitude towards my loss (which she obviously does not feel the same way about her m/c's). She told me that once you go through one m/c - the rest of them are no big deal. She exclaimed - there are a ton of m/c's every year - and people live through it, no big deal.
I am sorry that you have to go through this and deal with people who are ignorant, as every person has their own way of dealing with loss and miscarriages.
At least you have all of us, here on DS, who understand what you have gone through in dealing with a baby angel.
Love and Hugs
Julie
My mother-in-law is also very unsensitive about it, a week after it happened we were talking, and she asked if i'd had to have a d&c, and I said "no" quietly, and she said "what?" and I said "NO!" and she said "no you didn't have to have a d&c, or no you didn't have a miscarriage?" That was in March, and I still think about her comment almost everyday, wondering what she meant by it, if she thinks I made up the pregnancy, or what she was thinking.
I think the important thing to remember is that everyone deals with things differently, and everyone heals differently. MCs happen at different stages in pregnancy, and there are different stages of healing.
There is no one "right" way of dealing with it, or healing from it.
My friend told me that when she was talking to her 80 year old grandmother, she asked what the most life-altering experiences were in her life, and she only listed 2- her husband dying, and having a miscarriage, even though she went on to have 4 healthy children.
I believe that a MC is something that you will have with you in your heart for your whole life. I had friends e-mailing me statistics of MC rates and telling me that it's okay, I can have another baby, but that doesn't make me feel better, & most women I talk to feel the same way. You wanted THAT baby, and it's THAT baby that you are mourning.
So take your time, heal slowly, and try not to listen to what other people say, because ultimately, it is your life, your body, and your family.
Also, lately I've noticed that a lot of people I've been around seem to think that a miscarriage in the first trimester is not really like loosing a baby, b/c the baby was not yet "viable" out side of the womb.
its loosing a child! i dont care if your 5 wks preg. or 5 months! i guess people just dont udnerstand unless they've expereienced. i consider myself a mother even though my child is in heaven instead of here on earth with me. people just dont get it.
I think that because abortion is in the news and they discuss what a "viable" pregnancy is people have the misconception that there is no life until "birth". I think that people find it easier to fob you of with cliches and not admit they're hurting than to admit the truth sometimes.