My body has been forcing me to relive the pain I experienced a year ago when I had an ecoptic (tubular) pregnancy and didn't know....I am physically feeling the pain I felt that originally sent me into the doctor....I know this is a manifestation, that it's caused by my brain and emotions...but I just want it to stop...it's hard enough to fight the depressionwithout re-experiencing that much pain... I realize now, my miscarriage never fully 'sunk-in' until now... When I looked at the date and thought "huh...this time last year I was pregnant..." And my hand subconsciously went to my belly as I started to tear up...and that's when it began...the realization that I had a baby in me...that my baby is gone and that hurts... Some people have it sink in immediately...I didn't have that, and I almost wish I had...I almost wish I had a meltdown in the hospital upon realizing what had just happened..I was in so much shock tho...and I was so exhausted...I just wanted to go home and sleep, and it never really hit me...I think I pushed the thought of it away and refused to think about it until it dawned on me..and started all of this...it kick started the depression, the alcoholic tendencies, the self hate...the pain... I can handle physical pain...I have an extremely high tolerance, but this pain..this pain I feel represents a great loss and that, that is what hurts me the most. I fear new years....I fear what my body may manifest...I'm trying not to think of it but iam truely terrified..moreso, I think, for what may come after the pain....I honestly fear caving...I fear I will cave & drink...thus I will be online on here trying to stay strong, for myself, and trying to stay strong to help my friends I have made in these hard times (for some).

I realize I had an epiphany while writing this...being that I never fully had the pregnancy & miscarriage sink in...for me it all happened so fast..I didn't know what was going on & before I knew it I was being told I had a miscarriage and my baby was gone...