Military Families Support Group

Today's military family faces a lifestyle that is comprised of frequent deployments, which results in increased family separations. This often proves to be a stressful challenge for military families. This community is dedicated to the families that are dealing with the unique challenges of distance and military-related stress.

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deleted_user 09/08/2013

I hope to God that I'm not the only one here who's spouse has been cheating on them using the internet. I have 2 kids. He's been doing this before we got married but I never thought it would go this far. I have been finding emails, pictures, phone numbers of women for as long as we've been married. It seems he always has someone he is talking to or chatting with or facetiming with on the internet. Some of these girls are so young and so stupid and immature! We have been married for 13 years. I dont know why I stayed with him so long and now, my life is so dependant on his support that I cant even imagine what I would do if I left. Other than the cheating he is ok. I mean he used to hit me but then he stopped and would cheat. When I catch him cheating and he tries to stay off the internet, he starts getting violent again. I am so lost and hurt and feel so hopeless. Recently he was deployed to Aghanistan while I was 8 months pregnant with our second child. I thought what a good opportunity for us to start anew. But the whole time i stayed home and struggled to raise our kids alone and cried for him and missed him he had been up there courting some girl on the internet. He would facetime me and tell me we would grow old together and tell me how much he loved me and the kids and then turn right around and facetime this girl. He would tell her he is divorced and so on. When I found out I took his phone and found that he'd been doing this constantly since we've been married. He's never met them from what I've read of their conversations but he constantly has someone on the side. I dont know what to do. Will he ever stop. Am I stupid for staying with him? How do I work my way out of this codependant marriage? He has sabotage my career by sending me to the office with discs filled with pictures of these women knowing I would find it. I would be so floored that I couldnt get out of bed for months. Im so beside myself. The only reason I keep on living is for my kids, but I hate him so much. I hate how much he's hurt me. I hate that he lies to me and lies to my kids. I hate that he is such a pervert. But still I cant leave. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

deleted_user 09/08/2013

Hey SOS,

I'm so sorry for the horrible situation you find yourself in...I wish someone more educated would post because I don't know all the particulars here, but I do know that on base, the military has higher standards for marriage, domestic violence, divorce and child support than the civilian world...
I want to say that you can go to a Family Resource Group, but I know that is not the right place...I want whoever you talk to to be a safe person, and I know there is a chain of command for this sort of thing, and it will be handled appropriately...I'm wondering if you could talk to the wife of his commanding officer for direction?
I think I would post this on the Veterans board...the Vets have been kind to me in helping my brother, and they would know the procedure for divorcing an abusive husband and what actions the military courts would take and how you and your kids would be provided for....
Best, LuLu

deleted_user 09/09/2013

I want to start off by saying I am so sorry, I have had this happen once before but it ended up working out for us.

The first thing I would do is to start looking for a job if you do not have one. Secondly look for a local divorce attoney that deals with military (a lot give free consultations). You can get all the details from there if you are deciding to leave him. You can also contact your husbands chaplain and speak to them, they are a confidential source to use that will not get your husband in trouble but may be able to direct you to the help you all need. If you plan on staying I would suggest counceling for you alone then as a couple. You can also call military one source they have counselors that you can speak with over the phone if you don't have the option of going to a person for counseling.

Best of luck to you, if you need anything feel free to message me.

deleted_user 10/13/2013

First of all, there is nothing WRONG with you. You are a good and beautiful person who just needs to feel safe and loved. We all do. But you need to stop sacrificing yourself to someone who will never give you what you need.

You have GOT to get out of this situation. I have been there and it does not get better. Don't waste any more time waiting for him to change, cuz it won't happen. You will need counseling for yourself definitely, but couples counseling will not help. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh or negative...I'm just being realistic because of my own personal experience and that of so many others.

Go through the proper channels to get the help you need and DESERVE, especially for your kids. Find work and get on your own two feet so you can get out and move on with your life. You CAN support yourself and your kids...it's not easy, but it is possible. Reach out to family and friends and ask for help when you need it, especially right now.

Please feel free to message me anytime. I'm no professional counselor, but I'm a good listener and I've been where you're at and come through it.

Meanwhile, if you do Facebook there's a nice group on there called Abuse No More. Check it out.

Big hugs and best wishes to you!

Tracee

deleted_user 10/13/2013

Hey SOS,

First off I am so sorry that this is happening. There is nothing wrong with you, please remember that.

This happened when my husband and I were first married. I had just had our first child, and he was being deployed to Iraq, when she was a month old. While he was over there I discovered that my husband had been contacting different females and asking them for pictures and that he would return the favor. I took my ring off and told him I was leaving him, because I was not going to let him disrespect me or my beautiful daughter. I was not going to let her grow up thinking it was ok to be treated like that by a male. It was really hard on us and took a toll on our relationship for a long time. He ended telling his chain of command about what he had done. I informed him if he didn't I was going to. We also meet with the Chaplin to discuss what was going on. I too had the feelings of what was wrong with me. I knew I didn't look like I did when we were married, but I had just had our first child.

I know my situation is not the same as your, and our experiences are totally different, but know that you can always talk to the Chaplin and it will be confidential unless there is a danger to you, your kids, or anyone else involved. This may be a step that you want to take before you leave him, as it seems that you love him, and are torn whether to stay with him. Just remember no one can make the decision to leave him or stay with him but you. I hope that meeting with Chaplin is a route that you are able to take and will help you with your situation. If you do decide to leave him there should be resources within your community that will be able to help link you to different jobs that you qualify for and places to leave, along with assistance. Either way you decide to go, know that you have people here that are supporting you and will be here to help you through this difficult time.

deleted_user 10/18/2013

Nothing is wrong with you! If you feel that you want to make the relationship work I would strongly suggest seeking couples counseling. If that is not something you or he is interested in seek out counseling yourself. You have been through a lot and it takes a lot to recover from that stress. They will also be able to assist you in finding resources to become more independent. I suggest all that before leaving the situation.

deleted_user 10/22/2013

It sounds like you have really been put through a lot and I am sorry to hear that. I will repeat what the others have stated, there is nothing wrong with you. You did nothing to deserve what is happening. Depending on which branch he is in, they all have plenty of resources for you. I think going t talk to someone is key. Every base has a Chaplin, or a Family Service Center. In the Navy, it is called FFSC. If you reach out, they will help.

deleted_user 10/25/2013

I am so sorry for what you are going through and i do not have any good answers for this at all. I hope that you can talk it out and find it in your heart to maybe forgive some day. I think everyone gets lonely and that is not a good excuse or what has happened but if you feel that way then reach out to the one you love do not cheat. God Bless You.

deleted_user 01/14/2014

My husband does the same thing! I am choosing to stay as well, although I'm not sure why. It is hard, but you are not alone. I'm not sure why they do this but the things he did are identical to what my husband does. We just had a baby 2 weeks ago and while I was in labor he was talking to another girl. I have worse stories than that if you can believe it. Nothing is wrong with you. It's scary to move on and you always hope for the best with people you love.

deleted_user 01/14/2014

I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. I don't know you, but I can hear my Grandmother in the back of my head right now..."Once a man hits you, there's always a second time". It seems as though you have experienced the 2nd time though and that's 2x too many...for the safety of yourself and your children, you should consider removing yourself. You mentioned that you have an 11 year old who is now acting out...imaging how scared he/she is...you need to show him/her that you are not afraid to protect your family and be strong. I know you are scared, too but you need to feel and BE safe.
His CO would love to hear of this, too, I am certain. Your ambudsman will also have NUMEROUS reliable, confidential resourced to help you. If you don't want to go that route, your assigned medical center should have plenty of resources to help you relocate and there are MANY organizations that help military families of abuse get back on their feet, Good luck to you.
C

deleted_user 01/19/2014

Hello Lady,

I just want to let you know that there are MFLC (military family life consultants). Find you a family resource center and if things do not get better you can always talk to his 1st Seargent. I hope things get better for you and your family.

deleted_user 08/14/2014

This is a terrible situation, and I feel for the pain you are experiencing. There are most definitely resources available which could help you get out of this. I would start looking into them and begin planning options for work. I believe that you can become a strong, independent woman if you get out of this situation and keep telling yourself that you can do it. IF for nothing else, do it for your children so they do not have to grow up believing that this type of behavior is okay. Wishing you all the best.

newmee99 12/28/2014

OMG, I feel your pain girl! My husband has been cheating on me since the beginning. I would make up excuses for this or that in my head because he so good at lying and manipulating. I found out that hes done SO MANY THINGS WITH SO MANY WOMEN, I have lost count. He uses the internet, his job, cell phones, basiclly any opportunity in which he can meet new people, he cheated and cheats. I depend on him also and I dont know what to do. Im a wreck, cant function. I keep crying and crying. I dont know what Im going to do as well. He also is in the military and I wish his ass would get in trouble but he would just sleep with who ever gave him the punishment. I also need help. Im curious to know how your doing at this point? I wish he would get deployed so I could have a chance to pull myself together.

carissa1219 01/28/2015

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. As sad as it is, it seems to happen a lot with military relationships. In the first year of my marriage I found my husband using multiple dating sites. He never actually met the women, but the way he talked to them was completely uncalled for. I confronted him, and he felt nothing was wrong with the situation. After several long talks and many fights he realized what he was doing to me and our marriage. Luckily we have been able to work things out and he doesn't spend as much time with his single friends who are bad influences!

Not all problems can be fixed though. I know many people choose to stay married for their children. All I ask is that you do not use this as an excuse. You need to look out for yourself and your needs as well. As hard as it is to think about, you need to really consider getting out of the marriage. If he continues to treat you this way even after you tell him how it makes you feel then he does not truly love you. That is not your fault, and you deserve so much better than that. I wish you the best, and if you ever need to talk there are so many supportive resources available for you. I am just a click away, and I know there are others in this group that would be willing to talk as well.

muriah00 02/03/2015

I can only begin to imagine the feelings that you are currently experiencing. There is a lot of support available through the military such as couples counseling, individual counseling, as well as domestic violence advocates. It is important to ensure that you and your children are safe as you mentioned the violence in your relationship. Have you thought about your safety and what you would do if the violence escalated? What does your support system look like? I would encourage you to explore these particular avenues as well. You also mention that you want to stay, which is fine. However, you mention that "the only reason I keep on living is for my kids, but I hate him so much". What makes you feel this way? Have you considered seeking counseling for yourself? It may be beneficial to explore your resources.

sheisfreenow 04/25/2016

Here is some great advice for how to act and how not to react to a partner who is cheating. To help you get your self-esteem and self-worth back.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/2591291-180

...Also, some advice on when you should leave a relationship.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/8163576-time

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