Military Families Support Group
Today's military family faces a lifestyle that is comprised of frequent deployments, which results in increased family separations. This often proves to be a stressful challenge for military families. This community is dedicated to the families that are dealing with the unique challenges of distance and military-related stress.
I hope to God that I'm not the only one here who's spouse has been cheating on them using the internet. I have 2 kids. He's been doing this before we got married but I never thought it would go this far. I have been finding emails, pictures, phone numbers of women for as long as we've been married. It seems he always has someone he is talking to or chatting with or facetiming with on the internet. Some of these girls are so young and so stupid and immature! We have been married for 13 years. I dont know why I stayed with him so long and now, my life is so dependant on his support that I cant even imagine what I would do if I left. Other than the cheating he is ok. I mean he used to hit me but then he stopped and would cheat. When I catch him cheating and he tries to stay off the internet, he starts getting violent again. I am so lost and hurt and feel so hopeless. Recently he was deployed to Aghanistan while I was 8 months pregnant with our second child. I thought what a good opportunity for us to start anew. But the whole time i stayed home and struggled to raise our kids alone and cried for him and missed him he had been up there courting some girl on the internet. He would facetime me and tell me we would grow old together and tell me how much he loved me and the kids and then turn right around and facetime this girl. He would tell her he is divorced and so on. When I found out I took his phone and found that he'd been doing this constantly since we've been married. He's never met them from what I've read of their conversations but he constantly has someone on the side. I dont know what to do. Will he ever stop. Am I stupid for staying with him? How do I work my way out of this codependant marriage? He has sabotage my career by sending me to the office with discs filled with pictures of these women knowing I would find it. I would be so floored that I couldnt get out of bed for months. Im so beside myself. The only reason I keep on living is for my kids, but I hate him so much. I hate how much he's hurt me. I hate that he lies to me and lies to my kids. I hate that he is such a pervert. But still I cant leave. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!
I am deeply sorry about what you are going through. This goes to all those other participants who have shared a similar experience as well.
Experiencing the infidelity of a partner involves an emotional injury, which can be compared to any other type of injury (physical or traumatic). It is still a wound that requires healing and even after it heals it can leave a scar.
However, you should also know that the behavior of the cheating partner, in this case your husband, typically carries a lot of issues on itself that also affect that person (the one who is cheating). There are several reasons why a person commits infidelity, and a lot of times this behavior does not make them any happier. Just as with drug addicts (and by this I am not saying that infidelity is an addiction) infidelity could be a maladaptive way of releasing stress, anxiety...a dysfunctional cooping mechanism for a deeper issue...or even a problem of self-esteem, believe it or not.
Infidelity is never right, but what I am trying to say is that there is hope. Although it certainly shows otherwise, the fact that your spouse cheats on you does not mean that they do not love you, at least not in all cases. And it certainly does not mean that there is something wrong with you. The cheating person just has some unresolved issues and he or she needs help identifying them and finding alternative/healthier ways to deal with them and resolve them.
Also keep in mind that all problems in relationships exist because there is a context or setting that supports them. In order to eliminate the problem the relational pattern between both partners must change, so it is important that you both go to couple's therapy.
The military should have many resources for therapy. I know that with tricare prime you can pretty much find any therapist you want who takes tricare and see them for as long as you need to. There are also VA centers and other counseling centers on bases, depending on the branch and base that might have services. I strongly recommend a marriage and family therapist as they specialize in systemic therapy which is relational and are solution oriented.