My anti-anxiety medication is a benzodiazepene, which is supposed to be terribly addicting and have severe tolerance so you just want to take more and more of it. Well, I've been on the same dose since 1999 and it still works just as well as it used to. A few months ago, I ran out, which is supposed to cause seizures and be potentially a life threatening event. On the next day, I also had multiple crises and child abuse investigations, and I had no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever... just a little extra energy.

My experience with antidepressants was very bad. I was on them for about 12 days and my sex drive was screwed up for about four years. A lot of the research I've read suggests that when SSRIs block the reuptake of neurotransmitters, your brain eventually compensates for this, which causes the symptoms to return, which causes the doctor to prescribe more SSRIs, and so on.

I have seen them work for a few of my clients for a few months. I don't actually know anyone who says, "Thank God, my depression is gone since I started taking Celexa" or Lexapro or Prozac or whatever. It's like trying to find someone who will say, "Man, I love smoking pot, I wish I'd started at 14 instead of 18 years old." I just don't think the track record is that good.

My mood swings are still bad since my last flare, or since my brief run on Flagyl, the evil antibiotic. I have five or ten day periods when I'm all right, but I do have these mild "mixed states" of irritability with depression, which is a sign of a significant mood disorder-- something like Bipolar II caused by MCTD. My friends have confirmed that I did get moody and strange around the same time as I first had symptoms, and I'm sure today a psychiatrist would have put me on Abilify or some other god awful sh*t.

My two cents is, try to get on some kind of very carefully monitored program to go off any SSRIs or mood stabilizers, and don't use anything except benzos, and never more than a dose equivalent to 10 mg of Valium and never more than once a day.

Then just try like hell not to do anything stupid when you're mood is bent out of shape, which feels about as easy as fighting a pack of wild dogs when you're walking down the street. The mood systems have to be attacked just like the other symptoms. Use every weapon you have. Call friends constantly. Exercise when you don't feel like it, even if that's just walking across the room or doing isometric exercises in bed.

At least it works some of the time, which is more than I can say for most of the drugs.

Thanks Cat
I can always count on you. it's really bad. I am not who I was, I tried stopping the meds after 15 days in the hospital without them. No luck. I am to the point that Mary Ann seems sarcastic. I am just moody and mean.
And tired of the fight. And to all of you who complain about your rash, grow up. This can kill you

Wish I could find you a cure in my bag of tricks, my friend! But, I also wish I could find one for myself.
It has been awhile since I have had really serious depression. I get disgusted at times, but am able to finally accept this disease as something that is part of me. Sometimes, I think my brain will not allow me to get better. Then again, I have really wanted to get better and it did not happen. Maybe there is no such thing as mind over matter.
Reading all the literature about depression and meds, it really looks to me like meds are only a partial fix for many people. And what Cat said bears this out. Living as healthy as possible including trying to keep up relationships seems to be as important. Every think I have read says exercise is huge! Of course, not everyone can run a marathon, but most people can walk down the driveway for a few minutes. Just start where you are.
I also think sunshine is important in small fixes. Just not so much to set off a flare. Just enough to know it is another day. But, that is my opinion!
May the force be with you!
Mary Ann

Yeah, Moody and Mean-- I know those guys. They used to be content to hang out with Drunk and Stupid, but they've developed a bad habit of showing up at my place unexpectedly.

And I wind up doing or saying things that don't turn out the way I intended. Or thinking people are being nasty when they are not... so here's hoping our younger friends on the board cut us some slack when we get all cranky and bent out of shape... we don't mean it. It's just the anti-RNP talking.

Here's what my shrink and I came up with when we had a long heart-to-heart about medication: if I did decide to start a psych med, it would be Remeron or Desyrel. These both seem to affect the type of sleep one gets, which would be great for me, because I have a lot of evening anxiety and depression. They are also supposed to have better side effects profiles, though Desyrel would probably not work for you because of cardiac issues and Remeron causes weight gain (which would be a plus for me, because my dysphagia is now bad enough that I'm losing too much weight, but a negative for you. Still, a lot of people have told me that those two tend to be safer, particularly Remeron.

I may decide to pull the trigger on that one soon; my mood swings are just getting really bad. There are periods when I seem to be all right, but then I just feel great waves of sadness or irritability that come sweeping over me with no warning, and I fixate on minor injustices people have committed for me. And then I have intense shame about feeling that way... shame that makes me feel unworthy of being anyone's friend. Shame so deep that it seems like even glimpsing it changes you somehow forever, though of course, that's absurd.

As for mean and moody- I just write what I think and then delete it! I feel better and no ruckus is caused! LOL!
I hate drama. This is one way I get around it.
Mary Ann

I take Cymbalta and Valium as a PRN. I think I deal more with anxiety and panic attacks rather than depression. Having said that, I can sleep all day, which could be depression. I can be moody and mean for sure. Ask my husband. I have been on many medications for depression since my 20s. I hated Paxil. I liked Effexor. I can't remember why I am on Cymbalta now, but my rheumy was happy about it. Apparently it is good for autoimmune diseases?

I thought I was going into depression, but my psychiatrist suggested that I may have a neurological disorder because I have three sleep disorders in addition to all the other crap. She is going to consult with my neurologist.

Wishing everyone the best.

Gabrielle

MT, I can spend half the day writing sh*t I wind up deleting, so that actually can become a problem for me.

GAB, ya, paroxetine (Paxil) is one of the worst SSRIs, that was the one that turned women into, like, attractive pieces of sculpture instead of real people for four years. What fixed that eventually was group therapy... but I had almost given up.

The issue with Effexor is the withdrawal, which is notoriously intense... like I said, I can skip a day of benzos, but I know some dudes, if they are an hour late with Effexor, they start getting electrical shock sensations.

I am very suspicious of the idea that an SNRI like Duloxetine (Cymbalta) would do anything for immune disorders-- again, the withdrawal symptoms seem at least as bad as narcotics to me. The literature on this looks a little weak to me-- based on small sample sizes and few studies. There is supposedly one meta analysis that bears this out, but I have no idea what the research design looked like.

I am pretty sure I have some kind of neurological problems, and I think the primary cause is MCTD, but I can't imagine that modern medicine would have anything that would work for that. Neurology is not like virology where you can actually measure outcomes with any accuracy; you can't see what's going on at the synaptic level, though you can tell if you cracked a virus, or measure the levels in blood. Even brain mapping and imaging has turned out to be pretty uninformative. IMHO, this is why neurology will always be way, way behind other branches of medicine.

I agree Cat. The withdrawal from all of these drugs is awful, including Cymbalta. Two or three days off, and it is as if my head and body are not working or connected. It IS like electrical shock sensations.

I am pretty sure I have something neurological going on too, and I don't expect anyone will be able to explain it. Kinda like no one can explain my dysphagia. I have had every test in the book at the hospital. It is all a mystery!

Gab

Well I suffered from depression long before I was ill, I am still on an antidepressant and it seems to hold everything stable for the most part. I still have a few dark days here and there. Trying to deal with a chronic illness and regular life would get anybody down. I learned some meditation techniques and I learned to just not give a damn about the crap the doesn't matter.

I hope you feel better Robert

Beth

Thanks everyone, not being alone is cool. And I made it past the holidays on this side of the dirt

Hi Robert and all
I have had major depression for years, with trying just about every antidepressive med created. Cymbalta was the last and I am successfully off it now since May. I do take Clonipin for sleep/anxiety at night which enables me to get a great nights sleep.
This is gonna be way out there, but maybe one or more of you are in the same boat. When I was real sick with my migraines and all, my nuerologist asked if I had a family history of strokes and depression as well as migraine. I do, so she did this bloodwork. Well, it came back positive for the MTHFHR gene which in short means my body does not produce the enzyme necessary for the folic acid to break down, Because this can't happen, my body wasn't utilizing the neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine at all. They put me on deplin (which is the pure broken down folic acid) and magic, I am off depression meds!!!! Because my body is utilizing what it needs now and is fully functioning. What a breakthrough! Not saying that I may not need meds anymore in the furure. But this was huge!!!! If any of you have that type medical hx, think about this and get tested. Just some food for thought. Best wishes to all.
Nancy

Wow! What a great discovery! Thanks for sharing!
Mary Ann

I'm about to lose my job .The brain fog is taking its toll .I have disclosed to my employer I have a Mctd and Sjogrens .They cane up with saying I have mood swings and can't recall processes.IM so stressed by their downgrading me I'm depressed seriously and can't cover up anymore .My head is spinning there are days I really feel like I can't take anymore.I need to be able to earn my income .I am seeing the rehung in a few days .I have been getting severe headaches and blurred vision.I quit azathioprine over 7 months ago as it didn't seem to help .

I take 1.5 mg Atavan (a benzo) daily 1 at night 1/2 in morning. Also 10mg Celexa in morn. It seems to work well. I used to take 2mg of the Atavan and 20 mg Celexa. The MP has allowed me to reduce. According to the MP, depression and anxiety are caused by pathogens in the brain. The herx while killing them can be a real hassle but once they are gone, so is the symptom.

Very interesting thread. Deplin sounds really interesting. I am continually stunned by how complex mood is, and the multiple factors that control it. My mood is still really unstable, but I'm finally making some progress by setting really hard limits on myself-- not pushing too hard with exercise, but maintaining a regular regimen, going to bed before midnight every single night no matter what, not exceeding my limit for alcohol ever and lowering that limit slightly every week, eliminating pseudophed and countless other minor things.

Dawn, I am so sorry you are going through that. The only thing that helps when you over-disclose is to educate your coworkers about the illness-- selectively. Tell them MCTD is in the same family of diseases as arthritis, and you don't fire someone or downgrade them for having arthritis. Tell them it rarely affects cognitive functioning (less than completely true, but you can find plenty of references for that) and if it does, it's usually transient.

What kind of processes do you have trouble remembering? It's curious, that does not actually sound like MCTD. Processes are about the only thing I can remember. It's names and spatial memory that get dodgy for me.

Robert, you still out there? How are you doing, man? Any improvement?